Nägin täna öösel unes Taliesinit ja teisi. Kuna netti satun nii vähe hetkel, siis kôigile kirjutada ja isiklikult soovida ei ônnestu, aga head vana aasta lôppu!

Hispaania ja toit

Kuna ma tean, et mõningad selle blogi lugejad on järgnevat infot pikemat aega kuulda tahtnud, siis tulen nüüd lõpuks nende soovile vastu...

1. Kohalikud kondiitritooted on midagi võrratut (kuigi hinnaklass on ka teine kui Eesti poodides).
2. Puuviljavalik ületab (oodatult) Eesti oma nii kvantiteedilt kui kvaliteedilt. Nimeliselt tooks välja chirimoya - meenutab välimuselt suurt rohelist käbi, sees on suured mustad seemned, viljaliha on magus (täpsemalt millegagi võrrelda ei oska). Septembris oli vist virsikuhooaeg ja võin garanteerida, et Eestis ei maitse nad selliselt mitte kunagi.
3. Jõulumaiustused on see-eest suures osas kuidagi mõttetud, vähemalt minu põhjaeurooplase silmele. Samas tundub, et praegu on ainuke aeg, kus müüakse igal pool ilma soolata pähkleid.
4. Igas endast lugupidavas lihatooteid müüvas poes võib leida rippumas mingite vängete vürtside järgi haisevaid seajalgu. Üleüldse erinevaid sinke, vorste ja teab mida kõike on meeletus valikus. Keskmine hispaanlane söövat kordades rohkem liha, kui see toidupüramiidi järgi kohane oleks. Mis minusse puutub, siis hakkan vist vaikselt de facto taimetoitlaseks muutuma. Kuigi...
5. Kala on ka. Ja muid mereelukaid. Üldiselt minu silmele mõnevõrra vähem õõvastavad kui lihaletid (ühes korralikus poes on ikka mitu). Või noh, kaheksajala tükid ei kuulu veel päriselt minu ettekujutusse normaalsest toidukorrast.
6. Toidukordadest rääkides, keskmine hispaanlane sööb vist üldse rohkem kui vaja oleks. Restoranidesse ma üldiselt ei satu, aga ülikooli sööklaga on paar kokkupuudet olnud küll ja süsteem on sama. Üks õige lõuna on kolmekäiguline ja minule isiklikult jätkuks esimesest. Sellist asja nagu taimetoitlaste menüü praktiliselt ei eksisteeri, veab kui lisaks lihale saab kala valida.
7. Ilmselt ei üllata see kedagi, kui lisan veel, et rukkileiba siin ei müüda. Sain ühelt kohalikult teada, et sõja ajal sõid seda näljased ja vaesed - ja tänapäeval ei taha ju enam keegi ennast näljaste ja vaestega samastada.

Kindlasti annaks siia veel ühte koma teist lisada, aga selleks korraks vast piisab. Head neljandat adventi kõigile!

Nerja

Paraiso de Nerja. Nii ongi. Tundub, et mõned kohad Hispaanias mulle ikka meeldivad ka - vägagi. Vahemere kant on tõesti midagi hoopis muud kui see tasane sisemaa, kuhu ma ise sattunud olen. Mis siis ikka, järelikult rohkem ringi reisida. Aga jah, meri, mäed ja Gerly. Lihtsalt suurepärane.

***

And sometimes you can only look into a bright light when you are overwhelmed by an even brighter one. What else can you do when you realise your beloved is you as well as your highest ideal before the formless unknown? When your beloved is a myth and a land, when to be one with your beloved means to live Him. You look into the light, you draw to yourself whatever reflections you can find. Those that are His children in the end, growing to become Him like yourself.

God, I sound like Dion Fortune. I don't believe half the things she writes. Why then do I keep finding myself described in them? My feelings, my aspirations, my loves. Maybe in the end the only thing that matters is that it is something that matters to me. And if I find something to give meaning to my life, maybe that's the one kind of reality that can make one happy in the world of forms.

Jah

Ma mõtlen teile. Päriselt ka. Vaatamata sellele - või kes teab, vahest just selle tõttu -, et ma teiega rääkida ei saa.

Nagu ikka

Netiühendus on etteaimamatu. Teda jätkub parasjagu nii palju, et ma ei hakkaks väga tõsiselt koduväliseid võimalusi otsima selle kasutamiseks. Vahepeal käisid mingid tüübid, kes seda parandada üritasid. Siiani pole vahet märgata.

Salamanca-Taliesin on kuidagi printsist konnaks muutunud. Või noh, tegelikult väga lihtsalt. Tartu-Taliesinil on see imetlusväärne omadus, et ta on piisavalt hoolitsetud ja heade kommetega, et minu (nagu välja tuleb, väga olulise hääleõigusega) esteetikameel rahul oleks, aga ta ei ole selles kinni, vaid see on nagu loomulik kultuursus või midagi sellist (jah, need kaks sõna on omavahel vastuolus). Välja arvatud see, et ta võiks oma juukseid sagedamini kammida. :) Well, nagu välja tuleb, siis väga palju peale selle fraasi kahel Taliesinil ühist vist pole. Või noh, natuke vast ikka, aga ütleme nii, et Salamanca versiooni loomulikkuse-kultuursuse tasakaal on minu jaoks mõnevõrra liiga loomulikkuse pool. Pluss asjaolu, et ta on minust huvitatud. Kuna Hispaanias tundub see olevat ainuke põhjus, miks eri soost inimesed üldse mittetöises olukorras omavahel lähemalt suhtlevad, siis... noh... mida ma ikka ootan. Paraku on nii sügaval kui pinnapealsel tasandil olulisi põhjuseid, mis välistavad minu poolt rohkem kui hea tutvuse tasandile jõudmise huvi. Kahju tegelikult, ta on nagu reaalselt keegi, keda huvitab konkreetselt minuga isiklikult põhjalikumalt suhtlemine.

Tartu-printsi asemel Salamanca-konn... muide, konn on Salamanca sümbol. Ülikooli peahoonel on segadusseajava hulga detailidega fassaad, kust iga päev pea iga kell leiab turiste ühe väikese konna kuju otsimast.

Aa jaa, üks positiivne omadus, mis nii pseudo- kui mitte-nii-pseudo-Taliesinile ühine on, on see, et kumbki ei suitseta. Mõelda vaid, et saabunud on ajad, kus ma ei võta seda enesestmõistetavana. Ma tean, et statistiliselt iga teine Eesti mees ja neljas naine suitsetab, aga mulle tundub, et mu tutvusringkond (või vähemalt sõprusringkond) on selles osas imeline erand. Lisagem sinna avalikes kohtades suitsetamise keeld ja võiks öelda, et ma olen pea unustanud, et inimesed seda tänapäeval üldse enam teevad. Nüüd tulles tänapäeva, Hispaaniasse, reaalsusse... alustagem sellest, et siin ei ole avalikes kohtades suitsetamise keeldu. Liikugem sealt edasi fakti juurde, et pea kõik tudengid tunduvad suitsetavat. Kui ma psühho Erasmuse tudengitega tutvumispärastlõuna tegin, siis ma nägin seal vist umbes kolme inimest peale minu, kes kordagi suitsupakki välja ei võtnud. Mõni teine inimene oleks praeguseks sellega juba ära harjunud, aga mind häirib see pigem üha rohkem. Hetkeseisuga kujutlen ma üpris vägivaldseid asju juhtumas juhuslike inimestega tänaval, kes minu läheduses suitsetama juhtuvad. Päriselt ka, kui te peate ennast aeglaselt ja piinarikkalt tapma, siis palun tehke seda kodus omaette või ärge imestage, kui mõni teine teie surmaprotsessile hoogu juurde anda otsustab!

Positiivsemast rääkides - üleelmine nädalavahetus käisime kahe tüdrukuga Lissabonis. Mõelda vaid, riik, kus reaalselt osatakse inglise keelt! Lisaks pean tunnistama, et kuigi mulle meeldib kuiv ja päikseline ilm, väärtustan ma mere lähedust rohkem. Või noh jah, tegelikult võiks veel väga palju asju "lisaks" mainida, sest see kant tundus olevat kõike seda, mida Salamanca minu jaoks ei ole. Või noh, peaaegu. Mis on vahest naljakas, on see, et suuresti meeldis see mulle vist seetõttu, et ta ei tekitanud minus pea üldse seda tunnet, et ma olen nüüd Portugalis. Siin tunnen ma üldiselt suht selgelt, et olen just Hispaanias, olgugi et rahvusvahelist seltskonda liigub siin rohkem kui kohalikke. Seal olin ma esmajoones ja põhiliselt Euroopas. Ma tean ainult ühte riiki, kus riigitunnetus tekitaks minus ülevamaid tundeid kui see - ning tegu pole Portugaliga. Õigupoolest minu kõige ülevamad hetked Portugalis olid seotud kohtadega, mis mulle antud riiki kõige rohkem meenutasid. Või vähemalt minu fantaasiat sellest. :)

OK, ma nüüd lõpetan, kuni mu netiühendus veel töötab. Et jah, ma küll ei satu hetkel väga tihti endast teada andma, aga ma olen elus. Ja mõtlen teist. Päriselt ka.

OK ma lihtsalt pean naerma

Just siis, kui ma olen oma netiühenduse puudulikkuses nii kindel, et seda avalikult oma blogis mainin, tulen ma koju ja avastan, et see täitsa töötab. Muidugi pole mingit garantiid, et ta seda ka viie minuti pärast teeb, aga... noh... elu nagu Salamancas ikka. Ootamatu ja irooniline :D

.,.

I should be used to things not working out quite as I expect them to by now. But... you know... I really didn't expect to start missing Estonia for the warmth. Mind you, it is way warmer during the day in Salamanca than it would ever be in Tartu at this time of the year. But not so much during the night. And apparently the heating systems around here are something that aren't really there to be used. Maybe they're waiting for the daytime temperatures to reach the same level in order for that...

My net connection is about as changeable as the temperatures around here, so that's why I've not written much again recently. At least the faculty computer room actually works like its Tartu equivalent so I get the basics done.

Interesting

I'm going to guess that Gerly is the only person out of the readers of this blog who will understand the following, but what can I say, it seems that the 5 rhythms lingo is singularly appropriate for this one:

I think my problem is that I've been trying to jump from silence to staccato, rather than allow for the flow to happen in between. Not everything has to happen here and now, it's more important to keep moving, keep doing something, even if that something doesn't bear fruit immediately.

Back in the Internet-world

First of all: I now know two interesting people in the area. One is the girl who makes me think of Dani. The other is a guy who makes me think of Taliesin.

---

I know someone who is on the road to success according to what most people would say. Who is talented, who has a certain social position that establishes him firmly in the upper-middle class. And who is deeply unhappy.

I also know someone who is free. Who travels around, who has probably seen and heard so much more than the average person. Who is probably in many ways the opposite of the first person. Only he, too, is unhappy.

Of course, you could say, these are extremes, and extremes aren't really all that good. But oh I could give you a very much longer list of unhappy people who fall in the middle of the spectrum.

They say the only true kind of happiness comes from within. It does look like it's not really coming from anywhere else.

The old and the new, country version

It's interesting to be here in Spain, to see just how similar and how different the two countries are. How a legacy of history can have both its positives and its negatives. There's something that fascinates me about it, the idea of roots, heritage. I don't think Estonia really has it, not in the way it exists here. Mind you, of course Estonia has a history and all that goes with it, and maybe I'm just less aware of it because I've grown up knowing it, living in it... But there have been so many changes over the last century, and the focus now is on the progress, on the new. We want to get ahead, to change things, to do well. I think here, the focus is more on the past, there is more of the old to hold on to, so they do.

Like for example in the university, you really have to take notes in lectures because it's not all there in PowerPoint presentations. Or even if there are such things, you have to buy a printed version of them on paper. You can't just go get it all through the Internet like in Tartu. In general all the notifications go up on the walls in paper form, some stuff on the university's website maybe (but not the stuff that matters generally). It's modern here, and I think the faculty itself is relatively new, but even so... one girl I spoke with said that things work here the way they did in her university maybe 50 years ago. While I wouldn't quite go so far when comparing it with the Estonian system, I would say there's something older, more traditional about it here.

They say this region is quite traditional within Spain as well. All the shops are closed on Sundays, and you have to search for the all-in-one-place type of food stores that are all you see in Estonia. Here it's meat shops and fruit shops and bakeries and canned food shops etc etc etc all separately. (Though the "normal" variety of stores does exist when you know where to look for it. :-))

I suppose I don't really know the country well enough yet to be truly able to compare. But I do feel there are both similarities and differences. And these make me both very happy to be here to experience this kind of a place and appreciate more the way some things are in Estonia.

Just a quick little note

To say that my Internet connection hasn't been functioning for a few days and I don't know when it will again... so that's why I've not been active in the WWW world recently. Though I suppose that's actually a good thing as it motivates me to be more active in the real world around me for a change :)

Individualism, individuality, altruism and modern society

I don't know about you, but I keep hearing people say "individualistic" and mean "selfish" all the time. Of course, a word has the meaning that is given to it. But you might find it interesting to know that for the scientists who study culture and society, the above equation is by no means a sure thing.

In fact - sorry I can't remember the original article - it's been found that members of individualistic cultures are actually more helpful to others when they're not part of their in-group (family, friends, etc).

One might say that for an individualist, there is me and there is the rest of mankind, "me" and "them". For a collectivist, the "me" is not so important, it's a part of "us". But that "us" is really a small group of people that belong together with the person, and the rest of the world is once again "them".

Now, this was the kind of thinking that kept you alive in the Stone Age, and even today the vast majority of cultures are still collectivist. One could say that's the default state of things for human beings, social animals as we are. You can only survive as part of a group and therefore the well-being of that group is important. The worst that could happen to you is being left out, so no matter what demands or limitations the group might set for you, it is better to comply than do your own thing and risk rejection. You serve the greater whole of the group and that in its turn provides for you. There's a very clear line between the people that are part of your tribe and people who are not, and a stranger is not to be trusted.

Perhaps not quite such a life-and-death matter since we moved out of caves and into skyscrapers, that tendency still quite obviously persists. Everywhere, including the cultures we call individualistic. I suppose that's why so many people criticise contemporary society as one that induces conformity, isn't sufficiently meritocratic, etc. Well, guess what, the very fact that there are people out there who openly express such opinion shows that we've come a long way since the days when conformity was not just the best, but the only choice for pretty much everybody. We now live in a world that allows people to go out and do their thing, even if it does make following the path of one's heart quite difficult at times. You won't be stoned to death for disobeying your parents, and if you're not happy with your marriage you can go and find a more suitable partner. Disregarding at the moment the potential arguments over whether this is a good or a bad thing for a society, I think it's safe to say that we're more free to make our own decisions about out lives than we've ever been before.

And I think that perhaps this is the next step in our cultural evolution, made possible by the progress of science and technology. Perhaps it's the first time we can afford people acting as individuals and not just parts of a larger group.

As for me, I'm just curious to see where this is all going.

Sometimes I surprise myself

Today I had my first fluent conversation with some Spanish people (in Spanish). After two hours of lectures where I understood about 99% of what the lecturer was saying. Now, I know languages come easy for me and I also know that if you're actually surrounded by a language, you learn quickly. But this quickly? Though hey, I'm perfectly happy with that. But, like, so if I spent a month in France, I could be fluent in French? I'm going to guess my Finnish and German would need a bit of grammar revision before trying the same... but. Wow. I always assumed there was something unique about English. Maybe the unique thing is just my fascination with it.

Gosh, I should really learn some more languages properly.

Foreign country stuff

So then. I'm in a country that's obsessed with meat, smoking, sports and bull fights. Hundreds of kilometres from the nearest beach and very close to the historical birthplaces of the Franco regime and the Inquisiton.

Then again, I'm also in a country that just had two weeks of 30+ degree weather in September, in a town that houses one of the oldest universities in the world and a museum that has some, uh, shall we say interesting content (yeah, I know, the New World Order will take me to the reptiloid dungeons if I say this one aloud).

And pray tell, where are all those promised guys with long hair? Oh well, I guess I'll just have to go around staring at the ancient buildings on the streets. :-P

Home away from home

Gerly was here. She's on her way to Seville now. Last night we danced. 5 rhythms. And talked. For hours. I felt as though I were home.

I do feel great in this place where I live. This room is just excellent. Something about it just makes me feel really good and comfortable, when I look around I just enjoy what I see. I actually feel so good here I don't want to leave it that much. Which might not be all that great as far as developing a social life is concerned, but it's very nice for doing things by myself, and just relaxing as well. I was definitely lucky to find this place.

Meeting Gerly again was wonderful. It seems that no matter what's going on in her life, she inspires me. And now, she's on a journey, an adventure herself. And meeting up with her seems to have been exactly what I needed. To wake up. To remember some things again. It is good to know she's here, just a few hours away.

I don't feel the compulsive need to go out and meet everyone else in town within the next two weeks. So what, that doesn't have to be a bad thing. I'm doing that at my own pace - and I am doing that - and in the meanwhile there are other things that are important for me that I'm doing as well. I'm really glad to be doing those other things really. And in the end, isn't feeling good about what you're doing that which matters the most?

Books read sept 2008 - aug 2009

And yes, I know it's depressingly short this year. What can I say, I had a life outside books.

• Dennis Greenberger, Christine A. Padesky "Mõistus juhib tundeid"
• Roman Dobrzynski "Zamehofi tänav"
• Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton & Sheila Heen "Rasked kõnelused"
• Jean Rhys "Wide Sargasso Sea"
• Dion Fortune "The Sea Priestess"
• Dion Fortune "Sane Occultism"
• Marshall Rosenberg "Vägivallatu suhtlemine"
• Hermann Hesse "Peter Camenzind"
• Geert Kimpen "Kabalist"
• Hermann Hesse "Demian"
• Israel Regardie "What You Should Know About the Golden Dawn"
• Andrzej Sapkowski "The Last Wish"
• Carol Topolski "Monster Love"
• Mary Sparrowdancer "The Love Song of the Universe"
• Evelyn Waugh "Peotäis põrmu"
• Robert B. Cialdini "Mõjustamise psühholoogia"
• Rita Carter "Consciousness"
• Kate Middleton "Eating Disorders"
• Michael Newton "Destiny of Souls"
• John Galsworthy "Kaasaegne komöödia II"
• Jennie Austin "Praktiseerime reiki't"
• Arthur C. Clarke & Gentry Lee "Rama Revealed"
• Arthur C. Clarke & Gentry Lee "The Garden of Rama"
• Elizabeth Gilbert "Söö, palveta, armasta"
• Arthur C. Clarke & Gentry Lee "Rama II"
• Neale Donald Walsch "Jutuajamised Jumalaga 2"
• George R. R. Martin "A Feast For Crows"
• George R. R. Martin "A Storm of Swords 2: Blood and Gold"
• Luule Viilma "Ellujäämise õpetus II"
• Paulo Coelho "Kurat ja preili Prym"
• Paulo Coelho "Portobello nõid"
• J. K. Rowling "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"
• Umberto Eco "Roosi nimi"
• Dion Fortune "The Machinery of the Mind"
• Dion Fortune "The Mystical Qabalah"

---

I'm getting the feeling that I'll be doing as much studying as in Estonia, for fewer credit points. At least that's the impression that currently strikes me when I look at my (likely, theoretical) timetable. Or, OK, more precisely I'll be spending as much time sitting listening to lectures. How much studying I'll be doing, I'm yet to find out. In any case, tomorrow is going to be a nice long day with classes from 10 am to 7 pm. Listening to monologues in Spanish for lengthy periods of time. If I'm still alive by the end of the day, I'll probably have converted my mind into a Spanish one.

Ja elu läheb vaikselt käima

Täna on lõpuks ometi see suurepärane päev, kui ma saan ennast jälle inimese moodi tunda. Ehk ma sain täna endale raamatukogu kaardi. Kaks esimest hispaaniakeelset teost laenutatud ka. Ja tundub, et sotsiaalne värk hakkab ka lõpuks hoogu juurde saama. Täna tutvusin ühe tüdrukuga, kes miskipärast meenutab mulle Danit, kuigi tegelikult NII palju ühist justkui pole. Must kübar ja blondid juuksed ilmselt. Igal juhul esmamulje põhjal tundub tore ja huvitav.

Et jah, so far so good. :)

:)

Ma olin just tunnistajaks nähtusele, mida võin igasuguste reservatsioonideta nimetada oma senise elu kõige vägevamaks tulevärgiks, mis mu silme ette sattunud on. Käisin mööda linna ringi, sotsialiseerusin (vahelduseks). Ja.. hmm... ma vaatan sellist sarja praegu nagu "The 4400". Vahel tundub, et tegelikkus polegi sellest nii väga kaugel.

Ja muljed jätkuvad

Patrimonio de la Humanidad ehk inimkonna kultuuripärand. Alates 1988. aastast kuulub nende kohtade nimekirja ka Salamanca vanalinn. Täitsa uued on aga valged autod, mis mööda linna ringi sõidavad ja mille peal on kiri "patrimonio limpio" ehk "puhas pärand". Miskipärast kõlab see sõnakombinatsioon minu jaoks tohutult naljakalt. Samas idee on muidugi igati tore ja rõõmustav. Ja eks tegelikult ongi nii, pärast kõike seda, mis ma lõunapoolsete maade prügi igale poole viskamise kommetest kuulnud olen, tundub Salamanca ikka täitsa üllatavalt puhas olevat. Mitte küll ideaalselt puhas, aga ainult paaris üksikus kohas on mingi risu tõesti silma riivanud.

Viimased kaks päeva olen rahulikult võtnud, käinud natuke mööda muuseume ja kunstinäitusi ja suht palju ka niisama oma toas istunud ja muusikat kuulanud või lugenud. Mis kõlab ilmselt nagu viimane asi, mida võiks tahta teha kohe pärast uude kohta kolimist, aga tegelikult tundub see hetkel tarvilik. Nii palju on käimist ja suhtlemist ja plaanimist ja tegutsemist olnud. Ja ma usun, et juba täitsa varsti tuleb seda veel ja veel. Natuke on vaikust ja rahu ka vahepeale vaja.

Hmm, mis veel. Viimased paar ööd on juba normaalselt magada võimalik olnud. Aga pärastlõunaks on ikka nii 30+ kraadi sooja. Mis mulle hetkel täiesti sobib ja meeldib. :)

Sunday morning in Salamanca

It's kind of strange to be in this new place where I know almost nobody, but could get to know almost anybody. So far I've spent a minimal amount of time making acquaintances and know about half a dozen people in the town. I suspect it's going to change some time very soon. But it's an interesting situation to be in, a new one for me really. When I was in Pärnu, I interacted with few people, but then again I never really believed there were that many more there I'd have something important in common with anyway. In Tartu, even when I first arrived there, I was immediately surrounded by people I'd met during olympiads or some other events or on the net, and also many of the people I'd interacted with in Pärnu also moved to Tartu with me. But here, I'm confident there are many people I'd be interested in getting to know - but so far I've not yet had a chance to meet them. It gives me a kind of feeling of being right in the middle of the process of creation, of creating this whole new life for myself here. I don't know yet what it will be like, but I imagine that whatever the end result will be, it will tell me a whole lot more about what kind of a person I am. So, exciting times ahead. :)

Greetings from the other side...

So here I am, in Salamanca. In my new room, which has one of the best possible placements for a psychology student in the town: around the middle of the way between the the centre of the town (the position of which is not really in the physical centre) and the psychology faculty... now who in their right mind puts a faculty in the other end of the town? It's like the last building on the long road out of here. Not that one could call any distance long around here, mind you. Wikipedia says that the area of Salamanca is 0,2 square km larger than that of Tartu, but for some reason, I just keep having the impression it's smaller. Maybe there are some more distant areas that I simply haven't been to yet and which add to the area, but you could probably get from one end of the town to the other in an hour.

Even though the distances seem smaller, the town itself feels a lot more like a city. There are lots of people on the streets, lots of activity, tiny little shops everywhere you look. They do have some supermarket chains, but you won't see them at first. What you do see is fruit shops and bakeries and all kinds of other places like that. I've heard that's how it used to be everywhere before. I guess Spain has slightly more traditions to adhere to than Estonia does... What's kind of sad though is just how little nature there seems to be around here. At home, I used to take it for granted that a town would be green all over, but here you're lucky to find a tree or two in some small square. Right now it doesn't bother me cause there's too much to explore in the town itself, but I suspect at some point it might begin to disturb me more.

But then again, there are all the historical buildings here to get to know. There's even a bridge from the Roman times. And I do hope I won't just be staying here all the time, it'd be nice to see the rest of Spain as well. For now, of course, just getting to know Salamanca is quite enough. I've been here for five days now, and I've only really got to know the streets: what is where, how to move around without getting lost without having your nose in the map all the time, etc. Even where I have actually entered a place, I've only managed to get a first impression, a superficial impression. The centuries and centuries of history present here deserve a lot more.

Anyway, I could go on and on and on, but I think this is enough of first impressions for now. I'm gradually becoming acquainted with the place, finding my way around, getting to know a person or two. It's just the beginning... it's nice to experience a beginning really. Being aware of all these opportunities open to you. Now it's just a matter of going ahead and exploring them. :)

Last moments before going

I think I'll be back soon enough, writing here to let you guys know how everything's going over there far in the other corner of Europe. Until then, there's the Great Unknown. The voyage, the journey to the new and unexplored - which at the same time is a place of the old. Whether it will be the old or the new that will matter most to me over there, I don't yet know. For now, the entire experience is about the new.

So then... till we meet again on the other side...

Life is a circus

My life and sometimes anyway. At least I can say one thing: this summer has really had everything in it.

Saturn and Uranus with hints of Venus. Oh yeah.

*

Interesting. I just realized that the network I so wanted to create a few years ago already exists, and it's called Freemasonry. Well, the more progressive kind of Freemasonry anyway.

Home

Happy. So happy.

My Danish friend

You said I'd soon forget you. And then you said that you hope our friendship lasts a lifetime.

Looks like you were wrong with the first and chose to be wrong with the second of these. See, it's been five and a half years, and here I am, up at 4:35 am, writing these words, and still a part of me hopes that one day you'll read them and get in touch with me again. My dark Plutonian friend, I've changed so much in these years, and I imagine so have you. Maybe it is only a fantasy I have, of what it would be like to hear from you, write to you again. Maybe it was all a fantasy. Only I still have those e-mails. And they still make me feel the way they did then.

I wonder what you'd do if you were to read this. Would you recognise me? Perhaps you would, after all you know me by the same name I use here. I've never mentioned yours here, though I've mentioned you time and time again.

Maybe it really is better this way. Even if my fantasy of you has roots in reality - maybe it's the sunlight that I need to focus on right now, rather than the darkness of the wastelands of loneliness. Autumn will come soon enough. For now, at least, I have summer. I wonder, do you have summers, too? You, who you are for me a symbol of the darkness that need not be feared.

:;:__;:;

Quiet rest, everyday life. Being at home. Always wanted to move away as much as possible from there, to gain new experiences and see what there can be. But sometimes that's not necessary. Right now, things are just how they need to be at the moment. Nothing more, nothing less. Even if it's not perfect, it's still right. Who knows how I will feel about this tomorrow, next week, next month. Right now, there's acceptance. And contentment. Little everyday things need attention, too. I'm experiencing now what a month ago I didn't want to experience at all, and it's not so bad. It's actually good. It's all about the timing. A month or two from now, something else will be necessary for the moment. But now is now.

Whoever you are who you are reading this blog right now, I hope you feel good in the place and moment where you are.

(Note to self: would be good to write here when my brain is still awake for a change)

Irresistible quiz

Luke Skywalker

Boldly striving to overcome the darkness both in this world and within yourself, you are righteously devoted to forging your own destiny.

It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.

________
Quiz discovered from Mialee's blog. So... what character are you?

And then there was inspiration.

You know how people always talk about borrowing things from other cultures as though it's a bad thing? Well, I just started wondering right now. Is it really a bad thing? If yes, why? If no, why not?

Now, as I can see, this blog has quite a few readers (from quite a few countries). So why don't you comment on this one? Whoever you happen to be, I'd be interested in reading your thoughts.

Stillness

Thought I could write something here again. I've had so much going on this month and yet perhaps it's even been too much for me to write about it here. Now I've had some days of quiet life in Pärnu, and the thought of blogging seems attractive once again. It's funny how I seem to write here more when there's less happening in my life. I suppose that's when I have more time to do it.

It's good right now, being here and just doing little everyday things. After the miraculously amazing past two weeks I thought I'd be really frustrated to sit in one place with little happening, but this feels perfectly right the way it is. I've started reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now", and for once I seem to have spent more time with the practice than the theory. Being in the moment, noticing the little things, appreciating the little things. Seeing beauty in everything. It's amazing how everything can really be beautiful.

Yes, you really are where you need to be at any point in time. Whether it be silence or turbulence. When things were happening, it felt right. Now this peaceful state also feels right. Maybe soon something else will come along. For now, it's just amazing to rediscover something like home comfort. To realise that there really is a place that I can call home, and that word has a real meaning. Not perhaps the Great Spiritual Meaning that I seem to be always searching for, but a meaning nonetheless, and a very valuable one. And I think for once I feel I can actually appreciate the Earth element. Comfort, stability, abundance. Fertile soil that green living plants grow out of. Everything feels just right, from talking with mum to sitting in the garden and feeling as though I were an organic part of it. It might just be a moment's thing, and probably will be so, but I think it's a necessary moment.

Life can flow smoothly when you move with it.

Armastus

Hea on vahel kuulda ja kasutada seda sõna sellises tähenduses, mis sellel minu jaoks on. Tähenduses, mis pole kuidagi seotud seksuaalsuse ja on igat pidi seotud spirituaalsusega. Spirituaalsusega jällegi minu tähenduses muidugi.

Jah. Elu on hea. :)

Inspiratsioon! Nii palju, et tõuse või lendu.

Jah, minu "sukelduda ja lennata". Nüüd ma vist saan jälle. See kord vist rohkem südame kui mõistusega. Hinge ja vaimuga igal juhul.

Tänu.

***

I seem to be living a life of wonders. Things are moving, experiences I've long wished to have are happening to me. There is so much to say that it's too much for writing in a blog. Maybe one of these days. Right now I just want to say thank you to Life that has brought me here. :)

Tänu

See nädalavahetus oli midagi kaunist. Ma võiksin siia praegu palju sõnu ritta panna, aga hetkel vast piisab sellest... aitäh, aitäh, aitäh.

:)

P.S. Seiklusfilmi sissejuhatus jätkub ja areneb.

*

Kui elu oleks film, siis minu omas toimuks vist mingi suure seikluse sissejuhatus.

Mis iseenesest võib ka täitsa paika pidada, arvestades mu tulevikuplaane. Aga mõned momendid panevad sellele filmivõrdlusele kuidagi eriliselt mõtlema.

Tunded ja taoline

Ja mõelda, kui palju võib mõjuda üks telefonikõne. Üks väike MSN-i vestlus. Mõte võimalusest või võimaluse puudumisest. Kui palju valu võib tekitada loobumine üheainsa põgusa kohtumise võimalusest. Kui palju õnne võib tekitada teadmine, et ühe teise kohtumisega see võimalus täiesti olemas on.

Kui tähtis - tahad seda või mitte - võib olla üks inimene.

Thought

I've been a bit obsessed with usefulness. The idea that there's some great goal towards which I should be working. And working is exactly the word - working, not playing. After all, you can't go through life just having fun, right? You definitely can't do anything productive that way. Productivity implies a bit of routine, a bit of dullness perhaps. You're supposed to learn to enjoy those things.

I wonder if that's true though. Maybe the truly memorable lessons you receive while you're having fun, through having fun. Through the things you do because you enjoy them, through experiences you have because they're something exciting and new. Through doing things the way that works for you, rather than letting some old idea of how things "should" be rule over you.

Now that I have more energy to do things again, I realised I'm feeling quite bored a lot of the time. The activities that were great in winter aren't quite enough right now.

But no worries, I have a mind and I know how to use it. ;-)

Though as I seem to be having difficulties writing coherent text, it's probably time to go and get some sleep...

Idealiseerimine

Teen seda vahetevahel. Ja siis? Kas elu oleks range realismi raames mõttekam ja meeldivam? Didn't think so.

Aga teie kõik Tartu inimesed, kes te seda blogi loete: kui teil on juhtumisi huvi mind veel näha enne mu aastast eemalolekut, andke endast lähema 2 nädala jooksul teada. Umbes nii kaua peaksin ma veel linnas viibima.

:)

Ja iga kord, kui tunnen ennast lootusetult üksikuna, astub tegelikkus vahele. Täna siis juba teist korda. Huvitav, mis saab homme. Kas ma julgen usaldada seda kulgemist, mis mind siiani välja toonud on?

_._

Seminaritöö on tehtud, kaitstud, hinne saadud. Eksameid siit-sealt natuke veel on. 2 nädalat veel ja ongi kõik. Edasi on tundmatu maa. Natuke vist liigagi tundmatu. Ma ei karda niivõrd uute muljete üleküllust, kuivõrd tühjust. Seda tühjust, mida viimasel ajal liiga palju tekkinud on. Või kas alles tekkinud... võib-olla lihtsalt teadvustatud. Või ka nii ja naa. Sest viimasel ajal on iseenesest põhitähelepanu läinud seminaritööle. See täitis suure osa mu elust mitme nädala jooksul. Ja nüüd on see läbi. Aga mis iganes sinna asemele tulemas on, pole veel päriselt kohale jõudnud. Just praegu, hetkel kui tunnen niigi mingit tühjust, puudust millestki, pean loobuma sellestki, mis siiani olnud... Njah, mitte et ma konkreetselt seminaritööd just niimoodi leinaks. Pigem seda, et varsti on käes aeg Tartust lahkuda. Pikaks ajaks lahkuda. Tartust ja Tartu inimestest. Ja kuigi see, mis ees ootab, tõotab palju imelist ja rõõmuküllast, on seal vahepeal nii palju tundmatust ja tühjust. Ja just nüüd, just praeguses seisus tundub sellega silmitsi seismine raske.

._.

Yeah. Spring must really be getting to me. But I'm learning something new every day. And trusting the flow. Things have been just right so far, really. If tonight I manage to focus on preparations for tomorrow... who knows what floodgates will open after I've done what needs to be done? I am in the middle of such an amazing time that I don't even know why I'm sounding as though I were complaining. Maybe cause the last couple of days have been not quite as amazing. Not even bad, just... kind of useless. Mind you, I did and learned some very important things today. And yesterday, OK so I spent most of it daydreaming, but if anything I've been doing too little of that lately. Though there's the ever-present feeling that time is slowly slipping away through my fingers, and every moment needs to be lived fully. And it is real-life experiences I want in the end. Though yes, sometimes daydreaming can be good. Because not all things can be had in real life.

I wonder if everybody is so full of contradictions. It's rarely the case that I'm neither one or the other extreme cause I'm simply in the middle ground. Nah, it's middle ground cause I'm pulled in both directions. Or however many directions there happen to be with any given issue. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't been torn into several pieces already. Art and science, fear and power, connectedness and independence, action and reflection.

Connectedness and independence. Yeah. Let's be honest, that's the one that's kind of confusing me right now. On the one hand, I want to have long deep meaningful close relationships with people. On the other hand, I want freedom and variety even more. Novelty is the key word. I don't want to be dependent on anyone.

Right. Anyway, I better go and do some preparation for tomorrow now. We'll see what happens from here.

Loveless

If the name doesn't ring a bell, watch this for an overview (and if it does ring a bell, it's still a pretty cool video):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4qttlESGEg

It's kind of weird to find myself watching and enjoying something like this. The fact that it's a "boy meets man" type of scenario with hints of BDSM actually makes it a bit less weird, but still. A love story. Aahhh...spring must really be getting to me.

FLOW

Yes. Yes!

LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE

Expectations

are the root of all evil. Or something like that.

It is the surprising, the unexpected, that excites us the most in the end. When you go somewhere, meet with someone, do something with the thought that it must be something truly amazing, you're bound to end up disappointed. To amaze, something needs to extend beyond your previous idea of what it might be like.

And really, it's past time that I stopped defining some people as "people who know T.". One would think that three years should be enough to move on already.

.*.

Ma võiks tõesti kord juba leppida sellega, et ühe inimese asemele teine astuda ei saa. Et mõned kogemused jäävad minevikku ja sellisel kujul neid enam lihtsalt ei ole. Kas ma üldse tunnekski seda kõike nüüd samamoodi, kui T. päriselt mu ellu tagasi tuleks? Kolm ja pool aastat tagasi olin ma praegusega võrreldes väga erinev inimene. Ma ei mäletagi enam õieti, mis või kuidas seal tegelikult oli. Mõni asi tunduks praegu võib-olla enesestmõistetav. Mõni teine ei puudutaks mind äkki üldse.

Ja siiski, jälle ma mõtlen tema peale. Jälle ma võrdlen inimesi mingisuguse etaloniga, mida pean temaks. Ta ei pruugi sellele õieti isegi vastata... Ja ometigi, kui ülev näib mõte kohata kedagi, kes tõeliselt tunneb teda.

..

Cold has come again. Yesterday it rained. Today the clouds are still there, blocking the sun and making one wear a coat. I suppose it's not really such a bad thing. It would be far worse if it were warm and inviting outside - having to sit in my room, focus on things I need to get done. Making the final improvements in my thesis. Yes, I suppose it's good this way. It was sad before, when the weather was glorious and I had too much to do to enjoy it for real. Now, the loss is not so big. Anyway, it will be over soon.

No matter what, tomorrow at least I will Live.

All hail the Flow

I've just had the most amazing weekend of... well, a while. I'd like to say "my life" cause that's how I feel right now, but the rational side of my mind doesn't let me. But seriously. Everything is just so amazing and unexpected and beautiful and right.

Long live the month of May. Long live Prima Vista.

:)


Bonito, todo me parece bonito
Bonita mañana
bonito lugar
bonita la cama
qué bien se ve el mar
bonito es el día
y acaba de empezar bonita la vida
respira, respira, respira

El teléfono suena, mi pana se queja
la cosa va mal, la vida le pesa
que vivir así ya no le interesa
que seguir así no vale la pena
se perdió el amor, se acabó la fiesta
ya no anda el motor que empuja la tierra
la vida es un chiste con triste final
el futuro no existe pero yo le digo...

Bonito todo me parece bonito

Bonita la paz, bonita la vida
bonito volver a nacer cada día
bonita la verdad cuando no suena a mentira
bonita la amistad, bonita la risa
bonita la gente cuando hay calidad
bonita la gente que no se arrepiente
que gana y que pierde, que habla y no miente
bonita la gente por eso yo digo...

Bonito, todo me parece bonito

Qué bonito que te va cuando te va bonito,
qué bonito que te va

Bonito, todo me parece bonito
La mar la mañana, la casa, la sombra,
la tierra, la paz y la vida que pasa.
Bonito, todo me parece bonito.
Tu calma, tu salsa, la mancha en la
espalda, tu cara, tus ganas el fin de semana

Bonita la gente que viene y que va
bonita la gente que no se detiene
bonita la gente que no tiene edad
que escucha, que entiende, que tiene y que da

Bonito Portet, bonito Peret
bonita la rumba, bonito José
bonita la brisa que no tiene prisa
bonito este día, respira, respira
Bonita la gente cuando es de verdad
Bonita la gente que es diferente
Que tiembla, que siente
Que vive el presente
bonita la gente que estuvo y no está.

Bonito, todo me parece bonito.

Qué bonito que te va cuando te va bonito,
qué bonito que te va.
Qué bonito que se está cuando se está
bonito qué bonito que se está.

Bonito, todo me parece bonito

(Jarabe De Palo - Bonito)

Flow

It was a beautiful evening. From the moments I stood at the window in my room, listening to Dead Can Dance, thankful for the here and now... to the moment now, when I am sitting at my laptop and once again listening to Dead Can Dance, which seems to have become what I listen to the most these days. The music strikes a chord in me, one that I wish to hear more and more.

When you expect whistles, it's flutes
When you expect flutes, it's whistles

With sadness I saw him leave the room, the man I'd admired for so long for his writings. Admired perhaps even more so for being related to someone more than just admirable for much more personal qualities. I didn't know what I had been expecting really. Instant recognition, instant welcoming? If the one I'd once been friends with had moved on with his life, why did I think a complete stranger would understand how much meeting him really meant for me?

After all, it had just been a few words. About how I admired his writing, how it was a pleasure and honour to finally see him in real life. Things he probably heard quite regularly from people. Things it made sense to say. Some stupid question about inspiration. Then, just awkward silence. And indeed, there was nowhere to go on from that point. Nothing connected us, except perhaps that someone I had known a long time ago. Someone who long ago moved on.

So I stood there as he spoke to his companion, trying to look as though I was doing something. As the two walked out the door I stood there, gazing at his pale grey coat for the last time. Gone. I'd gathered my courage and approached him, spoken to him. I'd done what I could - at the wrong time in the wrong place, but the best there was open for me. I'd sought the person and found the writer. For the writer, I was just another girl who'd read his books.

I sat down, trying to collect the scattered remains of my hopes. In the end I didn't know the person. It was someone else who had inspired me, who I burned for with such passion that everyone who knew him seemed to have become holy. It was someone else whose memory made my eyes water when I saw this man, someone else and the inspiration I hoped they might have in common.

The event I'd come to see was almost over. There was little point in staying. I'd had a day full of magic and the culmination I had so desired. It was a dead end, but at least I'd arrived there, if only to prove to myself once again that some people were way out of range for me. Like father, like son perhaps. I'd been reaching out to people who could never be my equals. To people whose lives were just too distant from my own.

It was dark when I stepped outside. Still I kept hoping for a miracle of some kind, but little enough was likely to happen. I had wanted to meet someone who understood the transcendental... someone who could see beyond the mundane... someone with whom I could go on a journey of (self-)discovery. I'd thought I could find that in the man I'd spoken to. Perhaps I'd got too carried away with old connections, perhaps I should've paid more attention to something else. It was too late to think about it there, though, having reached the end with little more than once again broken illusions. It was not what I had come for, but it was what I would naturally get.

Right?

Someone spoke to me. It was a guy I'd had a brief conversation with at the event. He and a friend of his were thinking of moving on someplace else for conversation. Would I be interested in joining them?

Well... I thought. Might as well at least give it a try. Small chance I'd find anything transcendent there, but it would be a better end than a lonely walk home.

So on we went. With talk that in time went far beyond the mundane.

...


Only back at home did I look up who it was that I'd been talking to. And to think. He was a writer who'd approached me as a person.

How amazing. How ironic. How absolutely beautiful.

No expectations

Perhaps that is what you need for things to flow.

So then

I found it hard to let go. After those few miraculous minutes with Him, I found it hard to just go on with my everyday life as though nothing had happened. And yet I couldn't reach Him, I had to either find the miracle where I was or forget about it altogether. And I found the miracle. Just on Saturday I was so aware of it, I'd transcended the longing and rediscovered the wonder in my life the way it is. Opened my eyes to the world both without and within. And I still feel it is so.

But just seeing the name come to life, words written by Him, not even directed to me... and then just a minute of actual interaction, about things entirely impersonal... The way it made me feel, still is making me feel, leaves no doubt as to whether He is still a person of importance for me. Even though today in my mind I was the furthest I had been from Him in two weeks. Perhaps those moments only happened because I'd thought I was ready to move on.

When you expect whistles, it's flutes
When you expect flutes, it's whistles

.

...and the work just goes on and on and on, doesn't it...

But I have faith. It will all be good in the end.

People

In the end, there is something to learn from everyone. Everyone has some bits of wisdom you haven't yet discovered for yourself. At the same time, nobody has all the bits. It's good to learn from both strengths and weaknesses... successes and failures... and not limit yourself in who you think can teach you something.

Just because someone is really good in one area of life doesn't mean they're good at everything. And just because someone is really unsuccessful in one area doesn't mean it's the same with everything else as well. Sometimes what you see depends on what you're looking for.

Just some late night thoughts. :)

Hea

Hea on jalutada aprilli lõpus öösel mööda Emajõe kallast ja näha-kuulda-tunda loodust ja elu enda ümber. Hea on (taas)avastada enda ümber inimesi, kellega ühendab midagi väga sügavat ja erilist. Hea on kuulda, kui keegi, kellest lugu pead, arvab, et sust saab kord üks väga hea psühholoog. Hea on istuda küünlavalgusel kergelt viirukisuitsuses toas post rock'i, kassi, tee ja heade sõpradega. Hea on teada, et elu võibki olla selline. Hea ja ilus. Teada, et see kõik võib olla alles algus.

Sõbrad

Tunnen praegu midagi ääretult sooja ja head teie suhtes. Te olete suurepärased... vahepeal ma unustan natuke, kui suurepärased. Aga õnneks mitte kauaks. :)

Recognition

...you will see
the whole cause of your loneliness
can be measured in dreams
that transcend...

(Dead Can Dance "Enigma Of The Absolute")

I know

I can't believe I'm going on complaining, either. Right now of all times.

Nostalgia

Once upon a time there was a person. Kind of different from and kind of similar to the one I met on Saturday. We talked on the Internet. We talked perhaps for a few months. I'm not even sure how exactly it ended any more. I guess from some point onwards we were just both too busy. And after that I tried and tried but it never happened like that again. Finally I accepted that it was part of the past. Moved on. Life was ahead of me, real life. But sometimes I still remember how it was. To talk to someone who was somewhere between the mundane and the beyond. Who actually showed me that it was possible to live in both worlds, and that I didn't have to choose between the two. At least not on all levels, not all the time. Someone who inspired me. By his very nature.

And I just had to go and look through those old emails again, didn't I. Remind myself of what had once been. Of what might never be again. Not with him, not in this way. Of what might a be faint possibillity for the future in another way with someone else. Of what, no matter how many people there are around me it seems, is not that easy to find. And what am I to do if I do find it? Because the next question is, what is there for me to give to someone like that... and if I don't have an answer to that, is it even right for me to seek communication? Just because there are few things more valuable than such communication for me, doesn't mean it would be the same for them. The very nature of what it is I value makes it seem unlikely.

Though maybe I'm wrong. I'd be glad to be wrong about this. But would I be sitting here, feeling like this, writing these words here then?

:)

An hour with one person can mean more than months of interaction with another. Give more, change more, shake something up within you, revive fantasies and feelings deep in your soul. Revive the awareness of the soul itself.

Yes, there are people out there who know how to dive and fly. To go beyond. And the inner recognition, even if the moment is brief, transforms something deep within. Perhaps a sentence or two can have the power to transform. It is not even about what exactly is said, but how. Perhaps one of the most noticeable qualities of a person further along the path of spiritual alchemy is the weight and power of his words. How they hold your attention, make you process them more deeply than those of a regular conversation.

It is strange to meet someone who is already well on his way towards something I only aspire to attain. To find such unexpected confirmation of that it is really possible.

Wish come true

Now I know why I had to wake up too early for my taste today.

Now I know why I had to fight with myself despite wanting just to stay in bed and rest and do nothing at all.

Now I know why I had to drag myself through the streets, feeling weak and dizzy and wondering when I'll pass out.

Why despite all that, I came. Why I stayed. Why I stayed till the end. And beyond.

Had I known what I had waiting for me, I would've done more than that. Oh, what wouldn't I do for what I found today.

LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE.

In response to Kärt

The beautiful androgyne

Busy time starting. Long days, 3 exams next week, data gathering, and once that's done, the frantic writing of the seminar paper. Some time in the middle of it all, two essays to write. After the seminar paper deadline, up come the remaining exams, quite closely following each other once again. Hopefully, there will also be some time for having a life...

But I'm going to Spain next year. So doing this for now is not so bad. It will be good taking some time to really live. :)

The ebb and the flow

I've had two amazing weeks. I've managed to do so much and at the same time have fun, be with friends, even get a couple positive new experiences of life. Now there will be studying and the like ahead in considerable quantities. I thought maybe this semester I could actually get to go deeper into the subjects I'm studying, learn more than is necessary to pass the courses (well). But apparently, human limitations need to be taken into consideration. Right now, I'm once again just focusing on getting enough done, never mind the extras. Though I know some subjects I'll be pursuing further in my spare time in the future... :)

Right now, I've got a bit of a cold again, which I hope will get better soon. So I need to balance between conserving energy and getting enough done. The thrill of being active again has been replaced by a need to take it easy once again, but hopefully it'll return soon all the stronger. After all, it's spring and sunlight makes us all feel more alive again.

:)

I've had a wonderful weekend. It's been both productive and entertaining, both quiet and intense, and just plain great to sum it up.

And there is someone in my life who nearly fits a character in a storyline I've had in my mind for a long time. Not entirely, perhaps. But for now, I think it's close enough. ...I mean, okay, a 100% fit is like not real in the world as we know it. And actually it's kind of mind-boggling to think that I know someone who... oh my god, shares practically all the relative traits really, when I start to think about it. And the more I learn, the more there is in common.

Well, life is just getting ever more interesting.

LARP

Aitäh Alleriale ja Taliesinile! Te olete geniaalsed. :)

Learning, growing

Made a little shift in thinking today. Probably just a first step in a long long row of them, but it was a step, and a noticeable one at the time. If I manage to keep on going, then... well... if I manage to effect such changes in me, then there's hope for other things as well. :)

And I'm still feeling the flow.

:):):)

I just realised a wish of mine has come true. And while it's amazing to think about it, it actually seems kind of right at this point in time. Maybe I'm finally ready for it.

Still amazing though! I feel like I want to express that emotion so much, without going into the details. Just how excited and happy and thankful I am.

And to think how much has happened in a single week. To think that not so long ago I was feeling as though I didn't have the energy to do anything, and my life had kind of lost its meaning once again, and so on. To think how radically can things change in a short time. And yet, with this one thing, all I really needed was to realise the opportunity had long been there. I just needed the courage to go for it. Hopefully I'll also have the courage to go for what this should be the beginning of.

Well, I'm working on that one. :)

Exhausted

I don't get it. All I've done today is meet up with some people for a couple of hours. And I'm so exhausted I can barely get myself to think. Even writing here right now is an effort. And I have things I need to do yet tonight.

Goals

Let's just face it. I don't even know for sure what I want to be doing in the long term. And at age 20, that's totally normal and acceptable. I mean, I know the basic direction I want to be moving in - and that's probably more than quite a few of my friends can say about themselves. Maybe for now it's good to just accept that long-term perspectives are a bit too far in the future for me. That the only real path I will continuously keep walking is that of learning from life. Kind of comes with the whole deal of living really. :) Other than that, maybe I'm best going for reasonable, short-term goals. And rather than trying to change my personality into something that would conform with some idea of what it "should" be, it'd be less frustrating - and probably more productive - to work with what I've got and see what happens. The fact that people who share my interests sometimes seem to interest me more than said interests themselves used to seem like a problem. Now I think it might be just my way to approach things. Maybe I just need that human element. And maybe I can learn through that. Might be it's actually a kind of strength. For a future psychologist at least. :) Maybe if I accept the fact that I'm not likely to commit myself to anyone or anything for the long term any time soon in my personal life - and look at what I can do in days and weeks instead of years - I might actually move along further.

It's funny how some things my mum's tried to teach me for so long really have stayed with me. Values etc. I may have rebelled against them to some degree when they came directly from her... but apparently I accept them only too easily when they come from other sources. And while they make sense in general, the discrepancy between the "is" and the "ought" just ends up making me feel inadequate. Too inadequate, really. Makes me feel as though I had none of the qualities I "ought to" have at all. But that's not really true. I just need to find my own approach to them. Something more productive than the all-or-nothing one I've had regarding some standards that are likely near impossible to achieve any way.

People are just people

Been browsing through some forums and once again came to the realization that most of the people with lofty goals are just as fallible and limited as I am. That many of them are struggling with the same issues as myself... as perhaps many/most of us. It is something that is both discouraging and encouraging at the same time. On the one hand, it makes me wonder - where are the masters? Is mastery even attainable? But on the other hand, it also reminds me that it's natural that most people aspiring towards mastery have not attained it yet. Just because I seek perfection of a kind, that doesn't mean I have to be perfect here and now. It doesn't mean I have to know everything about the subjects that interest me... or be completely internally balanced... or even be able to get myself out of bed and doing productive stuff every day. Most others don't, either! I guess in the end I just need to find my own way.

Once again

Life is amazing. Somebody upstairs must like me. :)

Room

They say it takes a person of infinite patience and persistence to get a single room in the dorms around here. Apparently I am such a person.

It will be mine in 30 days. Yay!

Spring!

...and a week after the breaking point of passivity and low energy, I am ALIVE! Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually alive... moving, doing, enjoying, and so happy I can live this :)

Dopamine, my faithful friend

Whee, rush of hormones! I am so high, so exhilarated and overflowing, I feel like jumping around and smiling at the world, I am happy, happy I tell you!

And yes, I know, it's just a moment's feeling. But life is just a lot of moments put together. And it is wonderful to have moments like this. Even if they are me being up at 3:30 am, sitting in my dorm room writing in my blog. I know that tomorrow I will do the things I need to do with joy, because a world where I can know him is a world deserving that.

And yes, I know you will all get the wrong impression from that last sentence. Even though the symptoms are the same, it's not about romance, at least not by the normal definition.

Hopefully it's about something so much more. :)

But right now, I don't know. And it doesn't really matter. What matters is the moment. And moments like this make life worth living. :)

Hmm

Mialeel oli omamoodi õigus :D

To think

For so long I've wanted to get back in touch with that Danish guy again. But even though I might not be able to find him again... there are other people who live that something that's attracted me so much. At least one other person that I know.

:)

OK, so I'm just going over and over the same things. In the end what I seek is the same, regardless of what name I give it.

"Master of Life", huh. Why am I even surprised to understand what that really meant for me. It might've come from a different point of focus, but the essence is the same. I just come back and back to it, regardless of what I think "it" is at any given point in time.

I don't know. I'm so scattered, so confused a lot of the time. And yet there's this instinctive drive towards something that just keeps surfacing again and again. As though I was born for it. In spite of everything.

Relationships

I talked recently with a friend about how I have less and less interest in any kind of romantic relationships and things like that. Not to mention anything that goes on from there. Couples, families etc are not all that attractive for me.

But god how I long for a family in a different meaning of the word. Closeness and connectedness on a whole other dimension. I'm still not even sure what exactly that dimension is, how to put it into words, but I know it exists for me.

I wonder if there is anywhere at all in the world where it could happen with the people that surround me in real life.

.......no, that was kind of wrong really, wasn't it. There ARE people I feel connected with, deeply connected with. I'm just feeling unsettled right now somehow.

Lost and confused. Again? What is this, some habit I'm falling into?

I wish I knew if He exists. Yes, that's it. I wish I could find someone who could tell me. Tell me how to find Him maybe.

Myrddin Emrys.

Really

From now on I'll just make it a principle to not drink things containing caffeine within 8 hours of going to sleep.

Or, wait, I already had that principle. And now I remember why.

Caffeine high

OK, so I had 2 cups of black tea in the evening with a friend. What could possibly be the harm?

Well, it's past 2:30 am, and I quite literally want to jump around. Now I obviously haven't been going around developing tolerance to caffeine... but this is kind of weird already?

I guess going to bed (relatively) early tonight isn't going to work out...

Night thoughts

Wow, I've managed to barely write anything at all here this month. I don't even know why. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about. It's not even about not having the time. I was feeling terribly overwhelmed by university things I had to do for a while, yes, but it was probably more of a subjective perception than an objective fact. I'm not really sure what exactly I've been doing for the past month, other than panicking about not having the time and energy to do everything I should be doing, and getting sick again and again and again. At least it's now officially spring, and hopefully the longer days and warmer weather will begin to revive me a little.

Right now is one of those "wonderful" moments when I don't really have a clue where I'm going or what I'm doing or what I should be doing. I've been spending a lot of my time on rather pointless things recently. I think it's kind of ironic that this would be the case at a time when I've been so worried about accomplishing everything I need to do and find time to actually enjoy life as well. I think I'm starting to see the value of having some kind of a time plan with things...

It's funny how I've always seen myself as a night person - and yet I see more and more just how much I really need the Sun, the daytime, summer. As much as I love the mystery of a November night or seeing eternity reflected from the icy cover of the winter sea... the cold and dark makes me weak and weary.

Maybe I should just accept being both a Sun and a Moon person. Actually even my names reflect that, my birth one being that of the Moon Goddess, and the one I've come to use everywhere on the net a self-created one that for me sounds/feels like golden sunrays. It's actually quite funny how I've been using what I myself consciously chose to be a Sun name for years without considering myself to have anything to do with it for real. And it's also funny how I only recently found out for myself the connection between healing and the Sun. Even though that name I chose had it all together in it years ago.

In the end we all have everything within us anyway. I've been the misfit and the social butterfly, confused and determined, euphoric and miserable. I can identify with the qualities of the Sun and the Moon... and all the rest of the planets, too, now that we come to it. I've even discovered some of my Martian side, though that one's still kind of a challenge. The one thing I don't see myself discovering is my "morning person" side. :-P

...which reminds me that once again I've managed to stay up till 4 am, looking at the time... and as for once I'm actually feeling sleepy, I might as well at least try to get myself to shift to somewhat more reasonable sleeping times. Not really sure how to feel about 4 am being "relatively reasonable" already...

*

The art of the flame is the art of alchemy, yet does the alchemist hear the screams of the dross metals he burns? - The Zelator

...

Üldiselt ma seksistlikke vaateid ei poolda... aga mõnede asjade peale tekib tahtmine mingi kõrgema instantsi käest ahastuses küsida, miks mehed on kas tõprad või värdjad. Ei, mitte kõik mehed muidugi. Minu tutvusringkonnas kindlasti mitte. Aga paraku on minu tutvusringkond ilmselt pigem erand kui reegel. Ja - vabandust, kui nüüd keegi ennast sealt ära tundma peaks - aga tõpraid ja värdjaid jätkub seal ka.

Ja miks põrgu pärast satuvad mõned inimesed regulaarselt just selliste kätte?

So true...

more music charts

Natuke pilves :)

Aeg, kui ma siiralt uskusin valgusesse, oli omal moel ikka nii ilus. Maailm, milles ma neti kaudu pooleldi eksisteerisin, oli ilus. Inimesed, kellega koos ma selles maailmas eksisteerisin, olid veel eriti ilusad. Keskeltläbi üpris reaalsusekauged, aga selle võrra veel enam sees milleski teises ja imelises. Inimesed, kellega suheldes oli mul tunne, et see ongi mu pere ja kodu. Naljakas, kuidas ma tunnen ka nüüd, aastaid hiljem, sellele mõeldes samamoodi.

Vaimselt armunud

Ta on minust seitse aastat vanem. Ta elab Euroopa teises otsas. Ta on homo, taeva pärast. Sellest on aastaid möödunud, kui ma temaga viimati suhtlesin. Ja siiski mõjub ta mulle nii väga. Nii väga.

Võib-olla pole asi niivõrd temas, kuivõrd maailmatunnetuses, mida ta minu jaoks esindab. Ülevuse, pühaduse ja inspireerituse tundes, mis temast kiirgub. Armastuse ja valguse... pilvekeste, tähtede ja vikerkaarte maailmas, milles ta igapäevasega paralleelselt elavat tundub. Millest ta sädemeid igapäevasesse toob. Elades seda, mis on minu jaoks üks imekaunis ideaal. Jah, palju sellest on illusoorne. Kuid see tunne ei ole.

Hea on teada, et kusagil on keegi, kes mind sedamoodi tundma paneb.

.

To think a person can evoke such feelings in me after all these years.

Life

It is strange... having both the angelic and the demonic, the beautiful and the vile in my life at the same time. And knowing I have so much to learn from both. And everything between the two extremes.

It's an interesting world, isn't it...

Experiencing life with and through other people around me is very important to me.

Finally I'm beginning to understand that it's not a bad thing after all. Maybe it just happens to be my path in life.

:)

Elu nagu seebikas

No tõepoolest. Rohkem ei kommenteeri.

To make a long story short

I successfully faced up to one fear today. And - after a few hours of thinking there is nothing I need to worry about any more - I realized once again that I've got a long way to go on this road yet.

Well, hey, doing something about one fear at a time is still pretty good.

:)

Why, oh why

I think I've had an overdose of information...

Now tell me, why would anyone have a studying frenzy during their holidays??? After all the time I spent worrying about my lack of motivation around the end of last year, I can barely get myself away from all the material I loved to hate just a while ago... and anything to do with psychology... and some other topics.

It started innocently enough - just going over some old materials a bit to see if I might find some hidden gems. With the idea being connecting theory to practice. Right now I'm so overwhelmed by the amount of theory out there that I've started to simply try to absorb it like I normally do... and even this is not going nearly fast enough. I think I've once again completely lost sense of what is reasonable. It's like I want to learn everything, now.

I'm not sure if I want or don't want to see what's going to happen two weeks from now when the new semester begins...

When the student is ready... (read: keep waiting?)

You know, it's kind of funny how it seems that the older I become, the younger my friends become. 6 years ago the difference could be measured in decades. 3 years ago it was years. Now there is no difference. I remember my mum always used to worry about me not interacting with my peers enough. Well, no worries there any more. I'm actually beginning to worry about the fact that I know too few people that aren't my age. (Or, then again, as I've been worrying about it for the past year, maybe "beginning" isn't quite the correct word here.)

"Worry" is a bit of a wrong word here. I'm not really sure what the right word would be. Feel kind of sad about it, maybe. It'd be great to know someone who'd have seen life and mastered its challenges. Who'd have learned to handle situations and themselves, rather than have it all simply come easy for them. Maybe I'm asking too much from people... maybe my standards are too high. As always. I used to idealize the intellectuals, the cultural elite: authors, professors, the like. Now it's kind of hit me how they're all just people like everyone else. They can be just as petty and prejudiced... just as sad and lost. My own parents seem to have failed miserably at making something out of their lives. How can I really see them as authorities as far as making it goes?

It's like... on the one hand I'm feeling like I want to open my eyes and ears to every person around me because there is something I can learn from everyone. And I really do feel that right now, I feel it so strongly and know it to be true. I so hope I'll make good use of my opportunities with it.

But on the other hand, there are the ubiquitous high standards. I might think I just need someone who's older and more experienced... but that's not really true, is it. A friend of mine uses the name "Master Of Life" on MSN. I guess that's a pretty good way to sum up what I mean.

Ok, I'm getting the feeling I've been over this time and time again in this blog. I'm not really sure why at the beginning of writing this I thought it was going to be something new. Like, I was thinking the exact same thing a year ago! And the situation hasn't changed much, has it... Oh, it has changed so very much in so very many other ways. But this particular one - not even a sign of any improvement here. Standards and everything aside, it really is a problem just meeting older people.

Of course there are so much more productive things I could be doing right now instead of going on about this on my blog. Like focusing on solutions instead of problems. Or simply going to bed, now that I noticed what time it is. I think I'm going to do that last one now.

Muutused

Ma just avastasin, et ma naudin jazz'i kuulamist. See ei tekita minus jätkuvalt praktiliselt üldse emotsioone, kuid mingisugusel meelelis-intellektuaalsel tasandil reageerin ma sellele kahtlaselt positiivselt. Mis iseenesest on tore, sest minu muusikalisel silmaringil on selle võrra võimalik jälle avarduda.

Silmaringi avardamine on muidugi üldse väga aktuaalne teema praegu. Kuidas, kui sügavalt, mis suunas jne. Loomu poolest lähen pigem laiuti kui sügavuti, pillun end vahest liigagi laiali. Samas avastan endas üha enam eelarvamusi ja vastumeelsust uue proovimise suhtes. Pidevalt tõuseb üles küsimus, kas keskenduda pigem enda tugevate või nõrkade külgede arendamisele. Kas vajalikum on jõuda meisterlikkuse või terviklikkuseni? Mu ümber on nii palju inimesi, kes juba sellises vanuses mingis oma valdkonnas silma paistavad, mõni praktiliselt eksperdi tasemel. Päris taoliseks ei saa ma vist kunagi. Tahaks nii laiuti kui sügavuti minna, kuid paraku tuleb laiuti minek vist mõnevõrra loomulikumalt.

Seega minna enda seatud piiride ületamise teed? Aga kes/mis olen siis mina, kui mul enam piire ei ole?

Kas keskenduda elu sümfoonia või enda sees peituva viisi avastamisele? Tegelikult tahaks ju mõlemat, aga kardan, et valides ühe, kaotan teise.

Tegelikult oma küsimuste üle mõeldes tekib mul praegu küsimus, et - JÄLLE? Nagu, ma JUST sain üle mingist suuremast eksistentsiaalsest segadusest, mis tulenes "uute maailma ja enda omaduste" avastamisest ning ajutiselt oma harjumuspärasest mina- ja maailmapildist eemaldumisest. Ma tahan JUBA JÄLLE uuele ringile minna?

Nojah, mis siis ikka. Kui ma kogu sellest segapudrust elusalt ja terve mõistusega välja tulen, siis see ilmselt tegelikult rikastab, mitte ei kaota mu isiksust. KUI ma sellest välja tulen muidugi...

Vähemalt ma vist tean nüüd, mida ma tahan põhimõtteliselt. Meisterlikkust ja terviklikkust. Ehk siis... meisterlikkust elus... või midagi sellist. Jah, ma tean, näis, kuidas ma selle ära teen. Aga hei, ma ei pea ju selleni kohe jõudma. Muidugi on suht frustreeriv mõelda, kuidas nii paljud inimesed minu ümber on minust nii paljus ees. Vähe sellest, et nad ees on, nad liiguvad pidevalt eest ära ka. Kui on nii, et neil on oma valdkond ja minul oma, kus särada, siis on veel enam-vähem. Aga kui ma olengi selline... natuke midagi igal pool... siis mida minul üldse pakkuda on?

Nojah, edu kultus. Miks üldse tegeleda millegagi, milles tõenäoliselt lootustki pole keskmisest üle hüpata - milles keskmiseni jõudminegi hea tulemus oleks...

Ah, midaiganes. Niikuinii tegelen ma ilmselt veel mõnda aega enda laialiaotamise, piiride ületamise ja uutmoodi jaotunud tükkide kokkukorjamisega. Ja mulle vähemalt meeldib uskuda, et sellel kõigel on mingi üldisem mõte ka.

Sõbrad. :) Mul on hea meel, et te mu maailmas olemas olete.

Lihtsalt natuke midagi

Uus aasta on kahtlemata alanud väga mitmekesiselt. Viimase mõne päeva jooksul on loodud hulgaliselt uusi tutvusi ja värskendatud vanu. Mõeldud enda elu üle järele. Otsitud lahendusi. Hakatud ise selleks, kes lahendusteni jõuda aitab - lahendus.net'i kaudu siis täpsemalt. Magatud. Üleval oldud. Tehtud nii palju. Tehtud nii vähe.

:)

Vanale tagasi vaadates

Pean tõdema, et möödunud aasta tõepoolest kulges enam-vähem täpselt kahekuuliste perioodidena. Alguses pühendumine ja saavutamine. Siis otsimine ja igatsus. Siis põnevus ja pilves olemine. Siis veel otsimist koos pühendumise ja selgema sihiga. Siis teostamine ja aktiivsus koos vaikselt kasvava pettumuse ja segadusega. Siis pettumuse ja segaduse võimutsemine koos stressi, kurnatuse ja kõige muu "toredaga". Nüüd jälle puhkus ja lootusrikas pilk tuleviku suunas... näis, kui kauaks. :-) Enam-vähem kõiges, mis mulle praegu pähe tuleb, tundub mulle, et olen poole aastast olnud rohkem ühte- ja teise poole rohkem teistpidi. Põhiliselt siis kahekuuliste faasidena (selles osas mõne erandiga küll). What can I say, kardetavasti need kahekuulised faasid on midagi, millega te lihtsalt elama peate. :-P

Tahaks loota, et selle kõige kaudu on ka piisavalt arenetud... igal juhul kogemusi on esinenud värvikaid, mitmekesiseid, seinast seina. Nii välis- kui siseelu osas.

Tegelt ma arvan, et mul on hetkel algava faasi jaoks üks põhiteemasid juba olemas ka. Aga seda ma jagan teiega... millalgi hiljem võib-olla. 0:-)

2009

So here it starts again.

Or rather goes on, as the flow of time is continuous and it is only us that see beginnings and endings in it. (Perhaps it is only us that see it flow as well?)

In any case, it's been a wonderful end of the old and beginning of the new year. Looking back on the past 12 months, I've experienced many extremes of emotion and thinking. I've done great in some ways, not so great in others... but always trying to learn what I can from everything. To keep trying my best is my new year's resolution, too. I don't know what the future brings. I'd like to think it brings opportunities for growth and experiencing life to the fullest. Challenges that I can overcome and develop into a better person through. I don't know if I will always do the right thing or if what's ahead is a lot of nice things or difficulties or whatever. I do know I'll keep going and doing what I can to continue growing and evolving. Perfection is far away... I guess that just means there's plenty for me to do around here still. :)

And the people around me... friends... it's wonderful to know they exist. That they will continue existing in this new year. And even just people I know... I hope my social circle continues to expand. It's fascinating to meet someone new. Overall, I've been learning so much from my interactions with those around me. Yet I could be learning so much more. I've not been always open to the possibilities, through some prejudices and old habits in communication. And there's the eternal dilemma of whether to focus on what's going on around or within me... I've been suggested some ideas on how to work with it though. To have both and more, perhaps. I do have so very much to learn in the field of human interaction. But I think - I hope - I'll learn quickly once I've figured out my priorities. In any case, I'm planning to do my best.

Those of you who have followed me this far, thank you for accompanying me on my journey of life. It's been an amazing experience with much to be thankful for... and hopefully even more amazing things ahead. I am happy to know you are around me to share in this. Thank you, and I hope you have a fantastic year ahead of you. :)