Sunday, April 5, 2009


Let's just face it. I don't even know for sure what I want to be doing in the long term. And at age 20, that's totally normal and acceptable. I mean, I know the basic direction I want to be moving in - and that's probably more than quite a few of my friends can say about themselves. Maybe for now it's good to just accept that long-term perspectives are a bit too far in the future for me. That the only real path I will continuously keep walking is that of learning from life. Kind of comes with the whole deal of living really. :) Other than that, maybe I'm best going for reasonable, short-term goals. And rather than trying to change my personality into something that would conform with some idea of what it "should" be, it'd be less frustrating - and probably more productive - to work with what I've got and see what happens. The fact that people who share my interests sometimes seem to interest me more than said interests themselves used to seem like a problem. Now I think it might be just my way to approach things. Maybe I just need that human element. And maybe I can learn through that. Might be it's actually a kind of strength. For a future psychologist at least. :) Maybe if I accept the fact that I'm not likely to commit myself to anyone or anything for the long term any time soon in my personal life - and look at what I can do in days and weeks instead of years - I might actually move along further.

It's funny how some things my mum's tried to teach me for so long really have stayed with me. Values etc. I may have rebelled against them to some degree when they came directly from her... but apparently I accept them only too easily when they come from other sources. And while they make sense in general, the discrepancy between the "is" and the "ought" just ends up making me feel inadequate. Too inadequate, really. Makes me feel as though I had none of the qualities I "ought to" have at all. But that's not really true. I just need to find my own approach to them. Something more productive than the all-or-nothing one I've had regarding some standards that are likely near impossible to achieve any way.

No comments: