Öeldes ühe lausega

oli eilne õhtu ilmselt üks mu elu kummalisimaid.

Muidu veel seda, et ma avastasin enda jaoks keldi folkmuusika. Homme on kursuse teine tutvumispidu. Friedrich Nietzsche ees- ja perekonnanimes on kummaski 9 tähte. Tartus on harjumatult palju ilusaid inimesi. Ja mul on tunne, et tegelikult ma tahtsin siia midagi mõttekat kirjutada, aga ma ei mäleta enam, mis see oli...

...

Yes, it's despicable how I'm making something so trivial be so overly significant. But, dammit, why can't I just for once fall in love and be happy about it? Maybe I shouldn't even think about it, maybe, all things considered, it just isn't for me. I mean, it isn't, I don't want any of the things it's supposed to lead to. The reproductive stuff. It wouldn't be fair for anyone else to develop feelings for me only to confront all the obvious issues coming from there. And I'd be a true emotional masochist if I wanted to develop feelings for someone and not have them be mutual. I've... really had enough of that. I crave the feeling though. It might sound crazy, but it's such a high. The obsession, the awareness of every tiny detail about the other person, the emotions - the positive ones. Something so beautiful and overwhelming. Only it leaves you so very vulnerable till you know how the other person feels... and if there's nothing there on the other side, it's far from a pleasant experience. (So yeah, what else is new.) *sighs* So confusing. But... uh... I had a crush on an anime character in May. There must be something wrong somewhere.

Nagu ma aru saan...

...on Kuninga Tänava Põhikoolil krooniliselt "hea" sisekliima. Jah, kallid lapsevanemad, pange oma lapsed just sinna kooli, uskuge propagandat... selle osalus mitmesugustes huvitavates projektides mõjutab lihtsalt nii palju seal tegelikult valitsevat olukorda. (Või no, jumal teab, vahest mõjutabki. Ma vist ei taha teada, mida kujutavad endast sel juhul teised põhikoolid.) Ma loodan, et kõik said sarkasmist aru.

Unique like the stars

Recently I've had reason to think about people... how many of them there are, how much an individual matters in such a mass... how to feel about things like that. If you're just one of many, how can you really matter? But how could it be possible to live with the awareness of one's utter insignificance?

It's something I could write a lot more about, but as I've only got a few minutes to write this before I'm meeting up with a friend, I'll just say the feeling I got a short while ago, from personal experience. Namely, that even though I've got acquainted to a lot of people recently, been socially active to an unprecedented degree, and all, the fact that there are more people around me these days doesn't really make these people any less significant to me. Or, to be honest, I suppose to a degree it's inevitable that the significance wouldn't be quite exactly as big as in the case of a very few rare people being part of my social circle... but even so, the people I've met, the people I know, they're important to me. Even some I've known only for a short period of time. If any one of them were to die, I'd feel loss and sorrow... if any one of them needed help I could provide, I'd do my best to be of assistance... and even though I do not speak about individuals here, they are individual. My feelings for each of them are unique. Like good music, no two can ever be quite the same. And that just makes each of them the more valuable.

Even though this wasn't exactly an answer to the questions I posited in the beginning, it's something that at the moment I feel is relevant... to myself, and perhaps also to somebody else who happens to read this text.

On an even brighter note...

This weekend has been wonderful. I was (to my great surprise) invited to Taliesin's birthday party, and while I knew practically noone there, the people were so nice and the general atmosphere so cosy that I really enjoyed it. It took place in the countryside, and I went there together with Goblin (who, as it turned out, knew as little about where we were going as I did). We arrived a couple of hours earlier than the others, and somehow came to the idea of playing a trick on the other guests. Which basically involved me playing a Romanian witch girl in search of the Necronomicon (oh yes, I got the Necronomicon as a gift for Taliesin... as I heard they'd tried to summon Cthulhu on his last birthday, so I guess that will be one book put to good use :-P). I and Goblin had been hitchhiking when the driver started acting suspicious, and I hit him with my umbrella and ran away, in the end reaching Taliesin's place. While there, I exhibited a somewhat unhealthy interest towards the Necronomicon book, although as I had with me a piece of paper with a fragment of one of the book's texts in Runic writing (which I'd been able to copy from some old manuscript in a Romanian library, thanks to some friend working there, although the Necronomicon is a forbidden book in Romania), maybe the interest wasn't that strange. Well, it didn't really go much beyond that, we hadn't had much time to come up with it all. I hope the other guests weren't too upset at us after we revealed the truth! Any way, let's say it was a pretty good way of getting into the mood for a fun evening :-P Although we spent most of it talking about morbid topics, but that didn't mean a morbid mood.

So the birthday was great. Hopefully I'll be seeing the people again. I should probably go and try to rest/sleep/something now, as I'm pretty tired... yeah, I'll go and do that.

On a brighter note

I noticed that all my English blog posts lately have been pointless sob stories which in no way adequately depict the way life in Tartu is generally like. So I thought I'd write something more cheerful here for a change. I'm not sure what, because nothing stands out really (maybe Schopenhauer was right in that we only pay attention to the negative experiences in life, while feeling good usually means the lack of noticeable suffering and unpleasant feelings or sensations). Or well... hmm...

Being ill is not really such a good thing in itself, and I've been ill for the last half a week or so, but because I haven't been able to go out or do much anything at all, I've had the time to read, rest and reflect upon various things. Today I found myself looking out of the window in my room... just observing, perceiving, really taking in the various details of the view. Kind of a meditative state of being. I did that a lot in the summer, but these days I've always been so active and overwhelmed by all the novelty here that it's been a while since I felt anything like this. I'm glad I did today :)

Mental tranquillity is nice, but so is mental activity, and the debate club seems excellent for that. I didn't realise just how much my brain was craving for some action till last Monday when we the newbies got to do some intro exercises... even that brief and mild effort needed for them felt like something long-needed for the brain. Which in itself is probably not a good thing (showing that I've not been giving the old grey matter much work), but the debate club is definitely promising. I went to their meeting again yesterday despite still feeling relatively under the weather, and for a while, when I got to actively do stuff, I didn't even feel drowsy any more, it was just so good. They're having another meeting tomorrow, which will hopefully be even better. What's funny is that every time I've gone there so far, I've been afraid that the enjoyment and relative success I've experienced with debating so far has been illusory/a thing of the past/something else like that, that reality will be discouraging, and that I would see the reality at the meeting I was going to. And every time I've just enjoyed it more and more. Of course, it's still only the very beginning and all. But I hope it will continue being like this, being exciting and enjoyable and something that feels quite right for me. Sheesh, why did I never go to the debate club we had in our school? Well, I suppose better late than never... or, then again, maybe now is not late at all, but just right in timing :)

Anyway, this was something more positive.

Oh yes, did you know that a single dose of PCP can have weeks-long negative effects on the mind, including (but not limited to) increased aggressiveness, paranoid delusions and catatonic states? Just something I read from a biopsychology textbook :-P So, have a nice sunny day everyone! Midnight and pouring rain over here :-)

Well, all it took was one party...

...to prove once again that I'm socially illiterate. Or... I don't know what it is. One moment everything is great, and then it just... isn't. Everything is wrong. Everything is distant. People around are having fun, but for me they and that experience are like in a different world. I tried to get back into it... maybe I didn't try hard enough. States like that are hard to come out of, because one part of you doesn't really want to. It's easier to just stay like that, just find some way to drown the feeling in something. I did try though, at least I tried to make it look like nothing had changed. I guess I've learned a few things about showing a good face this summer. I at least hope I made use of the lessons. It's weird how even in Tartu you can feel cut off from everyone around you. Though I know it's not because of the place or because of the people... it's just me. It's like the very opposite of everything I've been feeling ever since I moved here. I know I better get back to it being the usual way by the time I wake up tomorrow. I can't afford being down at a time like this. A time when it is only up to me to make things as close to perfect as they can come in this place, at this time... in this world maybe. All the novelty, all the possibilities, all the people... yeah. It's kind of funny (or not so funny) to realise that while my social life is flourishing like never before, there really isn't anyone I feel all that close to any more. I'm not sure what I'm writing about any more. I might feel like I'm an idiot for doing this tomorrow, tonight I don't care. Maybe I just don't care about anything for a change.

Jälle Tartus

Tundub, et esialgne energiatulv ja hüperaktiivsus on üle läinud. Tänane päev on rohkem minu tavaline ma-ei-viitsi-ennast-ülemäära-liigutada seisund. Aga tore on ikkagi :) Ma ei saa siin veel eraldi välja toomata ja mainimata jätta, et ma kirjutasin midagi see nädalavahetus. (ehk siis need eelmised kaks kergelt haiget jutukest siin blogis) Asi pole siiski päris lootusetu!

Tegelikult mul polegi hetkel suurt midagi öelda, aga lihtsalt tahtsin kirjutada midagi siia, sest eile siinne wifi ei töötanud ning see, mida ei saa, muutub teadagi selle võrra ihaldatavamaks...

Aa jaa, üks mõtteke siiski. Eile, kui ma Pärnus olin, mõtisklesin selle üle, kuidas oleks jäädagi sinna elama. Mõte, mis iseenesest alati suht jubeda ja kujuteldamatuna tundunud. Aga kuigi ma ei pruugi olla linna suurim fänn, leidub ka seal kohti ja inimesi, mida/keda ma armastan. Ja kui ma peaksin olema sunnitud seal elama, aga armastaksin ja hooliksin ühestki selle elanikust, võiks see olla päris talutav. Ka selles linnas on ilusaid hingi ja neid, kellega ma mingit lähedust tunda saaks. Vahest pole ma neid küll eriti palju leidnud, kuid võib-olla tähendab see ainult, et ma peaksin paremini otsima. Muidugi nüüd ma olen Tartus ja see pole enam niivõrd oluline :) Aga jah... võimalusi leidub kõikjal... ning tundub, et kõrvalt on neid alati kergem näha.

MSN, new and improved

Veel haiglaseid mõtteid...


***

Paul says:
Tere Heidy! Kuidas läheb? Sul on mingi huvitav display pilt...

(See ei olnud minu valitud.)

Heidy says:
Oi, tere Paul! Kas pole tore see uus täiendatud MSN-i versioon? Sisesta ainult oma meeleolu tase skaalal ühest kümneni ja programm valib ise parasjagu sobiva kujunduse. Lisaks on see õppimisvõimeline ning kui sulle tema valikud ei meeldi, kohandub ta järk-järgult üha täpsemalt sinu eelistustega. Aga minul on ta küll kohe algusest peale toiminud laitmatu täpsusega, ei kujuta ette, mis veel paremaks minna võib.

(Ja see ei olnud minu öeldud.)

Heidy says:
Tõmba kohe täna endale ka, sa ei kujuta ettegi, kui võimas see on!

(MSN räägib minu eest.)

Paul says:
Peaks vist jah. Tuleta mulle meelde pärast. Aga enne räägi, mis uudist, pole mõnda aega suhelnud ega midagi...

(Ma istun oma toas arvuti taga.)

Heidy says:
Kuule, ei miskit erilist... nagu ikka, tead küll. Käisime tüdrukutega rannas täna jälle, neid päikesepaistelisi ilmu peab kasutama!

(Ja MSN räägib minu eest.)

Heidy says:
Millega ise tegelenud?

(Ja teeb kõike muud.)

Paul says:
Ikka töö, nagu tavaliselt. Loodetavasti peaks varsti puhkus tulema, ei meeldi ka kogu suvi kontoris kükitada. Saaks see nädalavahetus äkki kokku muidu?

(Me ei saa enam kunagi kokku.)

Heidy says:
Jaa, see kõlab nagu hea plaan! Lepime siis detailides täpsemalt kokku pärast. Aga mäletad, sa pidid MSN-i viimase versiooni alla laadima. Tuletan sulle meelde, see on lihtsalt liiga hea, et loobuda!

(Palun ära tõmba uut versiooni endale.)

Paul says:
Jah, olgu-olgu, ma teen seda siis kohe. On sul ikka kindlalt kõik hästi muidu? Sa kõlad natuke kummaliselt täna... mitte enda moodi.

(Sa ei tea, mida see kaasa toob.)

Heidy says:
Kõik on ülimalt hästi!

(Mitte miski ei ole hästi.)

Paul says:
OK, ma siis tõmban selle nüüd ära. Pean MSN-i kinni panema natukeseks... pärast räägib edasi?

(Ei, me ei räägi enam kunagi.)

Heidy says:
Ikka. Tsau siis praeguseks!

(Ma ei saa su heaks midagi teha.)

Paul says:
Tsau!

(Hüvasti, Paul.)

Lühijutt

Ühe loengu alguses tekkinud mõte/kujutlus. Jah, mul on imelikud mõtted. :)




***

5. detsember
Täna on essee tähtaeg. Ma ei saanud seda ära saata. Valmisolnud variant oli kesine, pastakaotsast välja pigistatud. Nüüd kirjutan ma uut, paremat. Ideed voolavad minust läbi ja valguvad iseenesest paberile. Selleks pole vaja mingit pingutust, mul on visioon sellest, mida teen. Head esseed ei saa endast jõuga välja sundida. Ma ei taha enam saata keskpärast, ainult paari punkti saamiseks mõeldut. See on midagi enamat. Kui ma ainult võiksin, kui ma ainult suudaksin luua midagi täiuslikku. Paari tunni tagant loen ma kirjutatu üle ja teen parandusi. Ikka on mingid konarused, üldisesse voolu sobimatud sõnad ja laused. Ma ei ole kunagi suur esseemeister olnud. Aga selle ma teen ära, ma ei saa lõpetada enne ülimuslikkuseni jõudmist.

6. detsember
Teine päev kirjutamist. Veel pole ma täiust saavutanud. Mind valitseb suur loomepalavik. Toit ja uni tunduvad täiesti ebaoluliste nähtustena. Ma tean, et tähtaeg on möödas ja mul on aega homseni, kui tahan üldse mingeid punkte essee eest saada. Ka see pole tähtis, enam mitte. Vahepeal kuulen ma hääli oma peas, mis dikteerivad mulle. Segaselt, mitu erinevat korraga. Minu enda hääl on kõige arusaadavam. Iga lausega muutub ta öeldav täiuslikumaks. Ikka pean ma parandama üle valesid kohti, tekitama suuremat selgust algsetesse mõtetesse. Isegi kõige pisematesse detailidesse süvenemisel ei vaibu algne hoog, mul pole vaja peatuda ja mõelda. Inspiratsioon juhendab mind lakkamatult, ma liigun ainult vooluga kaasa ja kirjutan.

7. detsember
Viimistlen. Essee ei ole ikka veel päris täiuslik. Kord muutsin ma terve lõigu ära, see oli madalam, sobimatu. Iga uue parandusega ma tunnen, et see ongi minu elu mõte, kirjutada valmis see üks ülimuslik töö, pühenduda ainsale tegevusele kogu oma hingega. Ma ei ole kunagi varem midagi sellist saavutanud, keegi pole varem midagi sellist saavutanud ega saavuta ka, see essee on ainulaadne, parim, ja see on minu looming. Kas ma saaksingi rohkemat tahta? Ma olen mittemiski, ma olen kübeke kosmosetolmu kaootilises maailmas, aga minu kaudu on sellesse sündimas midagi täiuslikku, täiuslikult mõttekat ja korrapärast. Minu hääl dikteerib mulle sõnu ja ma tean, et see on minu elu tipphetk, midagi suuremat ei ole enam võimalik luua.

8. detsember
See on valmis. Akadeemilises mõttes pole sellel enam tähtsust, aga minu jaoks koondub kõik sellesse ajapunkti, eneseteostuse kulminatsiooni. Varsti pean ma essee ära saatma, mis siis et liiga hilja. Ainult minust väljapoole jõudes saab see tegeliku väärtuse.


***
Professori kabinetti sisenes vaikselt üks kõhnemapoolne silmapaistmatu välimusega tudeng. Õppejõud tõstis arvutiekraani tagant pilgu ning uuris noormeest põgusalt.
"Ma ootasingi, et te tulete. Jah, teie essee oli suurepärane. Isegi rohkemat kui suurepärane, see oli parim, mida ma kunagi lugenud olen. Selle kohta võiks peaaegu kasutada sõna täiuslik, niivõrd kui siin ilmas üldse miski taolist nimetust väärida saab. Teie mõttelend ja sõnaosavus on muljetavaldav."
Naine tegi oma juttu pausi ning süvenes pikemalt nooruki rohekashallidesse silmadesse, mis vaatasid teda äraootavalt, stoilise rahuga.
"Muljetavaldav, aga paraku esitatud liiga hilja. Nagu te teate, ei saa ma teile selle eest ühtegi punkti anda. Oleksite te antud essee saatnud mulle kolm päeva varem, saanuks te kahtluseta maksimumtulemuse."
Professor vaikis. Tudengi nägu ei reetnud ühtegi emotsiooni.
"Ma tean. Ma tahtsin ainult, et te seda loeksite."
Õppejõu küsiva pilgu all süütas tudeng välgumihkli ning kattus järgmisel hetkel leekidega.

***

kuivanud roos.
ma ei puista kunagi
laiali ta õielehti,
soovides.

Panic...

Well, I guess I became old before growing up. Somehow, within this last week, I've managed to get wrinkles. Yes, you heard it right, wrinkles. I just freaking turned 19 and I'm beginning to look like an old woman! I'll be old and ugly before I'll even have the chance to see much life outside my mother's home... my life is over before it's even managed to properly begin... I've waited for this so much, wanted to go to Tartu, be with people I can be more myself with, explore life and all things that are possible therein... and now, before I've even had the chance to truly begin doing that, I'm getting signs the best part of my physical life is over. I'm becoming old. I really didn't expect this to happen so soon. One is supposed to have time to be young till their thirties, their mid-twenties at least? I'm still in my freaking teens! I've always looked younger than my age... I thought it would go on like this... but now I'm starting to look older than everyone around me, I still look like a 15-year-old, only less attractive than I was before. I'm not really sure if I ever was truly attractive, but when you're young, maybe all you really need is faith in that. But while old men can look okay, old women look disgusting. That's the truth, the sad and bitter truth, and it's a truth I'm not yet ready to live. I'm not ready to be old yet. I'm not even sure if I'm all that ready to be an adult! I'm not ready to accept the fate of the ugly old maid that is only a nuisance to everyone and who is doomed to withering dully, knowing that things can only go worse from hereon. I want at least the illusion that I'm attractive, that I at least might be attractive, that I still have a life ahead of me, an interesting and enjoyable one, I don't want it all to start slipping away so soon... just as I could leave this suffocating town, just as the hope of a beautiful future was to turn to a beautiful present, is it now doomed to become only a fleeting moment already in the past? Maybe I am overreacting, but I'm scared, I am...

Lihtsalt üks tore päev

Vähemalt esialgu on elu küll päris tore. Täna hommikul ärkasin kella 7 paiku, sest mu toakaaslasel oli esimene loeng ilmselt minust varem, kella 9-ni üritasin tulutult magama jääda ning sealt edasi järgmised 2 tundi siis muidugi suurte raskustega ärkvel püsida... Loenguid oli 3: sotsioloogia alused, sissejuhatus sotsiokultuurilisse psühholoogiasse ning tunnetuspsühholoogia ja käitumise regulatsioon. Mitte just eriti palju uut infot, aga esialgu on lihtsalt õhustikku sisseelamine piisavalt huvi ja väljakutset pakkuv. Sai jälle natuke tutvusi sõlmitud ja teisi süvendatud.

Kella 4 paiku käisin korraks ühikast läbi ja sealt edasi kammerkoori katsetele. Kuulutusel oli kirjas, et TÜ peahoone ruum 232. Kas teie teadsite, et peahoones on vähemalt viis erinevat viisi saada esimeselt korruselt teisele ning iga trepi kaudu jõuab erinevate ruumideni? Võimalik, et neid võimalusi on veel, mina igatahes jõudsin avastada viis treppi, enne kui ma lõpuks leidsin soovitud 232. Kandideerijaid kuulati üle ühekaupa ning enne kui saabus minu kord, tegin tutvust teiste ootel olijatega, kelle seas oli 3 Saksamaalt pärit vahetusõpilast, sh üks klassikalise laulmisega tegelev noormees (mitte just igapäevane nähtus). Läksin vahepeal allkorrusele tagasi ja proovisin häält lahti laulda, kuivõrd võimalik. Loodetavasti oli sellest kasu, teada saab tulemused muidugi alles 20. septembril või hiljem. Ega ma väga ei loodagi enam sinna sisse saada, aga lõppkokkuvõttes vahet pole, ühel või teisel viisil saan ma laulda ikkagi, kui tahan.

Kella 8-ks läksin koos Annikaga (kes ka õpib psühholoogiat) väitlusklubi kokkutulekule, kus täna toimus näidisväitlus teemal iludusvõistluste keelustamine. See oli juba iseenesest suht tore. Suur oli aga minu üllatus, kui ühel hetkel uks avanes ja samasse ruumi astus René, keda tunnen 2006. a. filosoofia lõppvooru päevilt! Kui ma peaksin tegema nimekirja inimestest, kellega suhtluse katkemine mind kurvastab, kuuluks tema kindlasti sellesse. Ma loobusin juba mõnda aega tagasi lootmast, et temaga veel kunagi ühendusse saan. Nüüd aga istus ta seal, elusuuruses... Tartu on ikka tõesti eriline paik inimeste kokku sattumise osas :) Pärast näidisväitlust läks kogu see seltskond edasi Illegaardi (jälle mul mingi koht avastatud...) ning meil õnnestus seal tervelt kolm tundi vestelda igasugustel huvitavatel teemadel. Kuna ta mõtleb ka väitluses käima hakata, siis tõenäoliselt näeme veel, suht varsti isegi. Jah, ma lootsin/loodan küll Tartust palju asju, aga see kohtumine oli tõeline ootamatu kingitus.

Igatahes nüüd on kell ammu kesköö läbi ning ma istun siin ja kirjutan kõike seda üles, sest muud ma teha ei viitsi ja homme on esimene loeng ka alles keskpäeval, seega võib natuke magamist edasi lükata veel. Tänane päev on jälle olnud toredate killast. Kõik tõesti tundub praegu kuidagi positiivne. Loodetavasti jätkub see nii ka edaspidi :)

Birthday

I've been really busy lately as I've moved to Tartu, am starting university, already have more of a social life here than I ever did in Pärnu, etc. But have a moment to spend for writing here now, and thought I'd do so. Last year I was really aware of becoming 18, but this year I haven't thought about becoming older much at all. Don't want to think about it, really... But it's been wonderful to receive all the congratulations. My friend from the Netherlands actually wrote a poem to me on the occasion, and a great one, too. Stunning. :) It's been cloudy all day and was raining in the morning, but that's okay. I'm glad to be alive, surrounded by the people that I am, doing the things I do. I hope things will continue to be as wonderful as they have been these past couple of days.