kanaljee
4 years ago
Friday, September 7, 2007
Panic...
Well, I guess I became old before growing up. Somehow, within this last week, I've managed to get wrinkles. Yes, you heard it right, wrinkles. I just freaking turned 19 and I'm beginning to look like an old woman! I'll be old and ugly before I'll even have the chance to see much life outside my mother's home... my life is over before it's even managed to properly begin... I've waited for this so much, wanted to go to Tartu, be with people I can be more myself with, explore life and all things that are possible therein... and now, before I've even had the chance to truly begin doing that, I'm getting signs the best part of my physical life is over. I'm becoming old. I really didn't expect this to happen so soon. One is supposed to have time to be young till their thirties, their mid-twenties at least? I'm still in my freaking teens! I've always looked younger than my age... I thought it would go on like this... but now I'm starting to look older than everyone around me, I still look like a 15-year-old, only less attractive than I was before. I'm not really sure if I ever was truly attractive, but when you're young, maybe all you really need is faith in that. But while old men can look okay, old women look disgusting. That's the truth, the sad and bitter truth, and it's a truth I'm not yet ready to live. I'm not ready to be old yet. I'm not even sure if I'm all that ready to be an adult! I'm not ready to accept the fate of the ugly old maid that is only a nuisance to everyone and who is doomed to withering dully, knowing that things can only go worse from hereon. I want at least the illusion that I'm attractive, that I at least might be attractive, that I still have a life ahead of me, an interesting and enjoyable one, I don't want it all to start slipping away so soon... just as I could leave this suffocating town, just as the hope of a beautiful future was to turn to a beautiful present, is it now doomed to become only a fleeting moment already in the past? Maybe I am overreacting, but I'm scared, I am...
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2 comments:
According to Aristotle, a man reached his physical 'peak' at 25, so mid-twenties is correct. Sorry, just the 'trivia-providing' part of my brain taking over. I must say (and please, please don't think I'm making fun of you, or belittling you, or not taking you seriously, or anything negative) that I felt more or less amused reading this post. But I'm a male, so I'm supposed to be harsh and insensitive when young women go 'AAAH!' about these kinds of things, right? And the idea of becoming 'old' at 19 sounds rather strange, since I see old people as being around 70 or so. 'Melodramatic', that's the word ('I'll be old and ugly before I'll even have the chance to see much life outside my mother's home... my life is over before it's even managed to properly begin...'), and normally people are consciously funny when they act like that.
You still look like a 15-year-old, you say, only less attractive than before (when is 'before'? is deterioration going that fast?). Fine. Somebody who looks 15 does not look old, by definition, and it might take years before you look your own age, let alone 'old'. You still have some time, then, before the ticking time bomb really explodes. Let me quote you...
I've waited for this so much, wanted to go to Tartu, be with people I can be more myself with...
OK, stop right there, because you, as a skilled psychologist, provided the best advice to give. Just be yourself.
I told you I had a few great teachers. Probably the greatest was Mr Oosterom. He was very tall, very handsome, very intelligent, quite capable of teaching not-so-intelligent youngsters, passionate (especially about music), profound, active, social, positive, unafraid, and in possession of many other characteristics I forget now. In short, he is the kind of man every intelligent woman would dream of marrying. He turned 40 last year, and his wife is about the same age. Now, Mr Oosterom told us that he really, seriously thinks that his wife is the most beautiful woman is the world, and (pay attention here) she is getting more beautiful every day. He said that whenever he tells her so, she doesn't believe him, but he thinks so anyway.
In short, if you are yourself, like you planned on being, people will either like you or dislike you. People who dislike you won't care much about the way you look (except if your looks make you popular, of course...they won't like that). People who like you will not care very much about any wrinkles you may have, and you may very well run across someone who likes you and who will go on thinking you become more beautiful every day, now you're nineteen, and when you'll be twenty-five, and when you'll be forty.
Don't worry, Andeora. You'll be fine.
I suppose you're right. Thank you :)
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