Saturday, March 21, 2009

Night thoughts

Wow, I've managed to barely write anything at all here this month. I don't even know why. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about. It's not even about not having the time. I was feeling terribly overwhelmed by university things I had to do for a while, yes, but it was probably more of a subjective perception than an objective fact. I'm not really sure what exactly I've been doing for the past month, other than panicking about not having the time and energy to do everything I should be doing, and getting sick again and again and again. At least it's now officially spring, and hopefully the longer days and warmer weather will begin to revive me a little.

Right now is one of those "wonderful" moments when I don't really have a clue where I'm going or what I'm doing or what I should be doing. I've been spending a lot of my time on rather pointless things recently. I think it's kind of ironic that this would be the case at a time when I've been so worried about accomplishing everything I need to do and find time to actually enjoy life as well. I think I'm starting to see the value of having some kind of a time plan with things...

It's funny how I've always seen myself as a night person - and yet I see more and more just how much I really need the Sun, the daytime, summer. As much as I love the mystery of a November night or seeing eternity reflected from the icy cover of the winter sea... the cold and dark makes me weak and weary.

Maybe I should just accept being both a Sun and a Moon person. Actually even my names reflect that, my birth one being that of the Moon Goddess, and the one I've come to use everywhere on the net a self-created one that for me sounds/feels like golden sunrays. It's actually quite funny how I've been using what I myself consciously chose to be a Sun name for years without considering myself to have anything to do with it for real. And it's also funny how I only recently found out for myself the connection between healing and the Sun. Even though that name I chose had it all together in it years ago.

In the end we all have everything within us anyway. I've been the misfit and the social butterfly, confused and determined, euphoric and miserable. I can identify with the qualities of the Sun and the Moon... and all the rest of the planets, too, now that we come to it. I've even discovered some of my Martian side, though that one's still kind of a challenge. The one thing I don't see myself discovering is my "morning person" side. :-P

...which reminds me that once again I've managed to stay up till 4 am, looking at the time... and as for once I'm actually feeling sleepy, I might as well at least try to get myself to shift to somewhat more reasonable sleeping times. Not really sure how to feel about 4 am being "relatively reasonable" already...

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