Couldn't resist this one

True Neutral Elf Wizard (2nd Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength- 11
Dexterity- 10
Constitution- 11
Intelligence- 14
Wisdom- 15
Charisma- 12
Alignment:
True Neutral- A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.

Race:
Elves are known for their poetry, song, and magical arts, but when danger threatens they show great skill with weapons and strategy. Elves can live to be over 700 years old and, by human standards, are slow to make friends and enemies, and even slower to forget them. Elves are slim and stand 4.5 to 5.5 feet tall. They have no facial or body hair, prefer comfortable clothes, and possess unearthly grace. Many others races find them hauntingly beautiful.

Class:
Wizards- Wizards are arcane spellcasters who depend on intensive study to create their magic. To wizards, magic is not a talent but a difficult, rewarding art. When they are prepared for battle, wizards can use their spells to devastating effect. When caught by surprise, they are vulnerable. The wizard's strength is her spells, everything else is secondary. She learns new spells as she experiments and grows in experience, and she can also learn them from other wizards. In addition, over time a wizard learns to manipulate her spells so they go farther, work better, or are improved in some other way. A wizard can call a familiar- a small, magical, animal companion that serves her. With a high Intelligence, wizards are capable of casting very high levels of spells.


Detailed Results:

Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (17)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (16)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (22)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (19)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXX (6)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXXXXXX (9)

Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXXX (4)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Chaos --- XXXXXXX (7)

Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Evil ---- XX (2)

Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Dwarf ---- XXXX (4)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Gnome ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Halfling - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXXXX (11)
Half-Orc - XX (2)

Class:
Barbarian - (-4)
Bard ------ XX (2)
Cleric ---- (0)
Druid ----- XXXX (4)
Fighter --- (-4)
Monk ------ (-19)
Paladin --- (-23)
Ranger ---- (-2)
Rogue ----- (-4)
Sorcerer -- XX (2)
Wizard ---- XXXXXX (6)



http://www.easydamus.com/character.html

I did drown in the mass anonymity of university life. I don't know who I am any more. I'm not all that sure I did before... but now it's like there's nothing left. I thought I'd come here to Pärnu and have it all come back to me the way it did before. But this time... in a way I only lost myself even more. Tomorrow I'm going to go back to Tartu, and I don't think I even have a chance of finding it there. I'll just continue being the anonymous name-behind-which-there-is-nothing, whichever name that happens to be in any particular case... Just a tiny part of a big machine, as replaceable as any other. And in the evening I'll come back to my room - or rather my half of room - which looks like any of the other 600+ rooms with its synthetic greyness and walls that seem to start closing in on me. Or I'll sit in Urg, which feels more like home than my room, but which isn't really "my place", either. One way or the other, I will learn much and value the experience, but it seems to be more and more the learning and less and less the me.

Maybe it really does have more than a little to do with not having my own place there. Somewhere that I could go to and feel at home and be myself. That would have my energy and help me keep my focus on what really matters. Here, everything is about that. It's like both a fortress and a sacred place. I might use the computer more than anything else in the room... but it's all still here around me. There, I have a place where I keep my things... and the things I take from here to help me remember who I am don't have the energy they had here any more. Even the music doesn't make me feel the same there. Oh, I still prefer Tartu as the place to live in most ways, no worries. I guess I've just realised it's not as perfect as I thought it would be in the beginning. I don't even have a place to go and sing any more... not even quietly and to myself. Yes, it matters, of course it matters. More than most people could probably imagine. Yeah, sure I could go join a choir and sing all I like... but it wouldn't be the same as actually hearing my voice when I sing. It's kind of like that with everything... it's like if I want to do something, I could be part of a choir and go for it all I like... but there's no place for me to hear my own voice. Figuratively speaking. It's wonderful not having to be alone any more. But for some things you need to be alone. And how to find a satisfactory balance between things... I don't know. I don't have a clue.

Is it really that much of a too-big-ego thing not to want to be part of the mass? To reach something beyond the nice secure middle-class position... which would as such probably be a pretty good achievement. I guess if I wanted to actually Achieve something, I'd better work towards it in some way...which would require perseverance and self-discipline. Now you know the funniest thing about those two? It takes them to develop them. The way I am, I'm like a butterfly in the wind. With no real impact on anything. Only a hope to be beautiful. And beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. To whom one butterfly would no doubt seem not too different from another. *sighs* I hate admitting that my mother is actually right about something about me. But when I look at how much I've actually done in the past few months... it isn't much. Sure, my focus has been on the social side of life... and it's been good and necessary and all. But I've abandoned pretty much everything else. And that's not good at all.

What if...

...I was a suspect for a crime I didn't commit? What if they found I was guilty?

It might sound strange, but every now and then I start thinking about it again. I know being afraid of something potentially happening is counterproductive... but I still am. That I'd be convicted for something I didn't do, and that I wouldn't be able to prove the truth. That the police or whoever would actually want me to be convicted, regardless of whether I did anything. And that would be the end of my life, at least anything good that might come of it. Yeah, I know it's one of those stupid scenarios I construct for myself, which are so unlikely to happen. But what if it happened? What if people actually seriously thought I would be capable of something generally considered evil? Could I prove I was innocent? Would it even matter? I mean, wouldn't even the fact of such a doubt cast a shadow over my life forever? What if the people in charge of the investigation are the 'evil' ones? I was just reading through some material for the psychology exam about lie detectors and things like that... and I can't help but think: what if some day I will need to use one of those? What if I'd need to prove myself innocent for whatever reason? And considering how I get nervous when I have to talk to some random shop keeper, how exactly would I be able not to be nervous when I'm being interrogated or something? And wouldn't they interpret that anxiety as a sure sign of guilt? How could I ever prove it's not, if I'd be scared beyond rational thinking?

I know, I should probably go do something else and calm down. But... what if it happened? What could I do then? What would you do?

Life is good

Strange to finally experience something I've needed so much for so long. Many things I'd need to pay more attention to that I haven't, even though I planned to... little seems to work out the way it was planned this week. But that's not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all. Cause what I've found wasn't planned either. I'm only not sure if this is about walking. Or flying. Or a little of both. Oh well... I guess I'll find out with time. No need to think too much about it :-)



A recent study within the Princeton Engineering Anomalies Research Lab (PEAR lab), suggested that there is a small, though statistically measurable, link between human thought and patterns that occur in random data sets. There is no evidence as to whether this is caused by individuals unintentionally recognizing complex patterns and then molding their thoughts towards an unconsciously known result or if the thoughts of the individual are themselves affecting the random patterns in a manner of individuation. This study's results have not been replicated, and its methodologies are disputed.The PEAR lab closed at the end of February 2007, after conducting 28 years of research on the relationships and interactions between mind and matter.

(Wikipedia on synchronicity)

Endorfiinid, resonants

Tegelikult on see jõulupuhkus suurepärane.

Esperante ion... aux nenion

Mi devas ion diri, sed mi ne scias, kion kaj kiel. Pri tio, pri kio mi pensas, kion mi sentas. Mi ne scias, kio de cxio tio estas bona kaj gxusta... kiel mi devus agi, kion deziri. Cxu mi povas kredi en io, kio estas tiel nova kaj nekonata? Se cxio restas, kiel estas, mi scias, ke cxio estas bone. Se mi tion iel sxangxas, cxio povos disfali. Sed povas esti ke se mi nenion faras, mi perdas sxancon por io bela kaj grava. Mi scias, ke estus plej bone, ke mi ne farus iujn decidojn antaux reveturado al Tartu. Antaux mi almenaux povus kompari miajn sentojn en reala vivo. Povas esti ke tiam estas jam tro malfrue. Sed tiam mi scios, ke estis bone, ke mi ne prenis tiun riskon. Kion mi nun havas, estas tiel bona, ke mi ne povas gxin perdi. Certe ne pro io tiel svaga. Pro io, pri kio mi scias nur, ke gxi signifas ion sur la nivelo de animo. Tio povas esti io ajn... io, kion mi povos kunligi kun mia vivo tiel, ke nenio kaj neniu devos suferi. Jes, miaj pensoj estas ridindaj... mi scias, kio estus gxusta. Mi simple... ne scias, cxu miaj sentoj estas en la gxusta direkto.

Versxajne neniu de legantoj de tiu cxi blogo komprenas, pri kio mi cxi tie parolis. Nu jes, versxajne ecx se ili komprenus la lingvon. Mi deziris sxancon min esprimi pli libere, pli sincere. Ion diri, kvankam silenco estus pli bone. Mi estas tiel plena de io, ke gxi superfluas en vortoj. Sed mi timas, ke ecx en tiu stranga kaj nedirekta formo mi parolis tro multe. Tro multe, kvankam neniu komprenus. Preskaux neniu.

Suficxe. Nenion plu.

47,7 kg koos riietega

ehk ilmselt mitte üle 47 kg ilma nendeta. Jah, ma sain lõpuks kaalu ligi ja mingisuguse rahu hingele oma viimasel ajal tarbitud meeletute pitsakoguste osas. Muidugi tegelikult näitab kaal vähem kui igasugu ümbermõõdud, sest kaalu võivad nii paljud faktorid mõjutada. Neid peaks vaatama millalgi jälle... viimati olid nad vist suht samad kui ikka, aga ma ei tea, kas ka praegu. Ma ei saa aru, kuhu kohta läheb kogu see üleliigne rasv, mida ma näen, et see üheski mõõtmises ei kajastu. Muidugi kuniks peale mu enda silmade seda miski ega keegi ei tähelda, pole hullu ja poleks pmst ka vahet... aga kui seda hakkaks juba miski/keegi veel täheldama, oleks samas liiga hilja kuidagi omalt poolt tähelepanu pööramiseks.

Jõulupidu Gerda ja Gerly juures oli tore. Natuke nostalgiline koht justkui, aga miskipärast see nõnda ei mõjunud. Suhelda oli tore inimestega. Tundub, et sotsiaalsete oskuste tase on tõesti tõusnud. Või on lihtsalt kõik asjaolud nii teised. Vahest ma lihtsalt ei otsinud ega igatsenud sellelt koosviibimiselt enamat/muud, kui sellel pakkuda oli. Naljakas, kuidas vahel võib kõige suuremaks takistuseks millegi saavutamisel olla see, et sa seda nii väga tahad.

Gerly on õnnelik. Rohkem avatud maailmale väljaspool kuubikut. Või vahest sellest üldse välja tulnud, ma ei oska öelda. Pärast kõiki imeinimesi, kellega ma kokku puutunud olen viimaste kuude jooksul, on ta siiski üks imetlusttekitavamaid. Tõsine, kirglik, sügav, tundlik, tundeline, hingestatud. Kuigi ükski neist sõnadest ega ka kõik kokku ei anna tegelikult edasi seda, mida ma silmas pean.

Ja tegelikult tahaksin ma üldse midagi muud öelda. Aga kell on liiga palju ja ma olen viimased tund aega siia midagi kirjutada üritanud. Seega las ta jääb.

Jõuluvaheaeg

on siiani olnud mõneti sarnane oodatuga, mõneti aga kummaliselt erinev. Ei oskagi öelda, kas paremuse või halvemuse suunas. Ma tulin Pärnusse, lootuses leida üksindust, rahu, aega ja mõtteid enda ja kõige olulise jaoks, mis vahepeal unustusse jäänud. Selle asemel olen ma leidnud hoopis midagi muud. Ja ma ei oska leitusse kuidagi suhtuda. I guess who ever said everything has to be simple...

Aga ei, üksindust ja muud olen ma siiski saanud ka. Naljakas, kuidas see on viimasel ajal suht defitsiidiks muutunud. Kuna ma ei kannata oma ühikatoas eriti palju aega veeta, siis paratamatult kasutab iga võimalikku juhtu sealt eemaldumiseks... mis on tavalistelt inimestega seotud. Aga millessegi süvenemiseks on vaja omaette olla. Njah... peaks kuidagi leidma tasakaalu suhtlemise ja üksiolemise vahel. Loodetavasti saab millalgi omaette toa, siis muutub küsimus natuke kergemaks.

Ma nägin täna unes, et natsid olid siin jälle ja otsisid juute jms, et neid tappa, ja siis ma üritasin neist kaugemale jõuda, sest ma mõtlesin, et nad tahavad mind ka, kuigi ma pole juut. Huvitav, miks ma näen aeg-ajalt unes natsisid, aga pole vist veel kordagi kommuniste vms näinud... Unenäod on üldse huvitavad. Eriti need, mis eredalt meelde jäävad ja kuidagimoodi tähenduslikud tunduvad. Nagu see liblikaunenägu. Ma siiani ei tea, mida see mulle öelda tahtis. Aga see on kuidagi seotud surma, armastuse ja muutumisega. Nagu ka liblikad.

Symbols of the Butterfly

Departed souls

Round the world, butterflies are seen as the departed souls of our ancestors. Indigenous people recognise the chrysalis as the soul trapped inside in the body. The emergence of the adult butterfly symbolises the freedom of the soul upon death.

Butterflies and metamorphosis

The change from caterpillar though to the chrysalis and emergence as a butterfly is the greatest change in the animal world. It symbolises significant change in the course of one’s life, personality or way of thinking.

The caterpillar stage with its voracious appetite has been linked to insatiable materialism. The chrysalis stage represents fundamental changes occurring on the inside, for example in one’s mentality or point of view. The final adult butterfly stage is seen as the free expression of these changes in the outside world.

The emergence of a butterfly from its chrysalis symbolises transformation.

Psyche

The Greeks likened the butterfly’s constant flitting from flower to flower to the restlessness of the mind: constantly changing from subject to subject. Indeed, the Greek word for butterfly is ‘psyche’ from where we get our word ‘psychology’ – the study of the mind.

Modern day symbols

In the western world, the symbol of the butterfly stands for freedom, fun and joyous times. It is also symbolises a state of naturalness and purity.

What a strange world

I should go to sleep, but I can't, not before I've written something here. Somehow I feel that I've met one of the important people at this time in my life. Someone of substance. Deep and genuine. A mix of darkness and light which at least at first glance seems not too dissimilar from my own. Someone I've known for less than a week yet have already told some things I've told few... things that were met with uncanny understanding... and whose own words often sound as if they were my own. It's been a while since I've thought about things from that perspective... but I do wonder what the deeper meaning of this interaction is.

Or maybe I even have a clue.

But maybe it is only an assumption.

Hyde - Season's Call

Karami tsuku kazeni sakarai
Ushinatta kisetsu wo sagashite iru
Wazuka demo mezasu houkou e
Azayakana kioku ga tsuki ugokaasu

How many cuts should I repeat?
How many fates should I accept?
Does it have an end?

Itsumo karada juu wo
Kimi ga kake meguri afuresou
Dakara kowaku nai yo asu mo
Because I always feel you in me

Kawaki kita nodo e nagashita
Kimi no made
Kokoro wo uruoshitekku

How many cuts should I repeat?
How many fates should I accept?
Does it have an end?

Haruka ano tori no you
Sora wo tobi koete yuketara
Itsumo tsutaetei you ai wo
Because I always feel you in me

You taught me how to love
I feel
I can do anything

Yume ni egaku sekai wo
Kimi no me no mae ni hirogetai

Dakara kowaku nai yo asu mo

My beloved season calls me
Because I always feel you in me

Feel you... in me
I feel...


I know none of you can understand this. It doesn't matter. You don't have to.

I did it again! :-)

Suht hirmutav on mõelda, kui palju aega viimasest kirjutamiskorrast mööduda õnnestus kuni praeguseni... Aga see-eest on mul teile nüüd taas kord midagi valmis. Enjoy...



***

Päev oli palav ja päikeseline. Kõrbeses kandis, kust Barbara isaga läbi sõitis, ei paistnud kilomeetrite kaupa ühtegi elumärki peale väheste poolkuivanud puhmas- ja rohttaimede. Maantee oli samavõrd tühi - viimati sõitis neile auto vastu ligi pool tundi tagasi ning toogi üksik vana tolmune veok. Raadio siiski töötas ja sealt kostvad särtsakad poplood ergutasid mõnevõrra sõitjate väsinud meeli. Teekond seisis ees veel üpriski pikk, oma hea kuus tundi enne tollesse väikelinna jõudmist, kus onu pere koos vanaemaga elas. Ka järgmise asulani oli aega ning aknast välja vaadates mõjus maastiku üksluisus uimastavalt. Kui muusika asendus ühtlase sahinaga, üritas Barbara mõnda aega poolsuletud laugude vahelt mööduvat teed jälgida, kuid uut ei sattunud ette midagi. Auto sujuv ja ühtlane liikumine suigutas teda ning lõpuks ei saanud ta enam aru, kas näeb und või tegelikkust.

Terav jõnksatus tõi ta ärkvele tagasi. Isa vandus ja peatas auto - üks rehv oli katki läinud. Justkui ei peaks nad niigi mitu tundi oma elust selles jumalast hüljatud kõrbes veetma, tuli nüüd veel konditsioneeritud õhust välja palavuse kätte ronida ja lihaseid pingutada. Barbara ei lasknud ennast isa pahameelest häirida. Samal ajal kui viimane rehvi vahetamisega tegeles, kõndis tüdruk ringi ja uuris lähemalt ümbrust. Teispool aknaklaasi igavana paistnud kandis leidus paremal vaatamisel mõndagi põnevat. Puhmastes kasvas väikeseid kirevaid õisi, mis nägid välja nagu pisikesed tähed. Barbara proovis neid noppida, kuid varred olid liiga sitked ja jõu rakendamine tegi ainult kätele haiget. Siin-seal sattus peale mõnele tundmatule putukale, kes mingi taime sees päikese eest varjus istus. Maapinnast õhkus kuumust, pilku silmapiirile tõstes võis näha, kuidas kaugem ümbrus hakanuks justkui aurustuma. See oli teistmoodi maailm, erinev Barbara koduümbrusest ja muust tuttavast. Pere harvadel sõitudel läbi kõrbe polnud nad varem seal kunagi peatunud. Vahest tajus vaid tema tolle kandi kummalisust... ja kummalist tuttavlikkust.

Juba too palavus ise meenutas midagi, kandus temani justkui mingist kaugest ja ammuununenud ajastust. Kivid, liiv, maantee, viimase kõrvale visatud üksik katkine rehv... nad olid tuttavad, aga ei olnud ka. Õieti kuulusid nad kusagile mujale, sinnasamasse koos päikeselõõsaga, higiga Barbara nahal ja tundega, mis tüdrukut täitis. See oli segu ärevusest, ootusest ja millestki küllastumisest, pooleldi äratundmine ja pooleldi mõte, et maastik peaks olema õige pisut teistmoodi.

Kujutluspilt kerkis tema silme ette eredalt nagu mälestus. Päev, kõrb, kuumad päikesekiired. Mõnisada meetrit pikk betoonist müür, mille otsa oli tõmmatud okastraat. Vana lagunev telliskividest torn kaugemal sellest väljaspool. Pisike majalobudik seespool nägemisulatuses. Betoonist plats, eredas päikesevalguses valusalt hele. Natuke kaugemal hunnik rehve, kõrval teine samasugune muudest autode tükkidest ja jubinatest. Veel kaugemal kuhjades igasugu prügi, suured rämpsukünkad, mis küündisid müüridest kõrgemale. Majalobudiku vastas seismas üks lagunenud minibuss. Keegi mees teksades ja punase nokamütsiga. Tema kõrval ligi seitsmeaastane poiss, kes isukalt hallitanud saiatükki sõi. Sealsamas tema ise, vaatamas neid kahte ja ümbrust, tuttavat ümbrust vanade kaaslastega.

Vaid veel natuke ja ta võinuks nendega rääkida, vaadata toda maailma läbi ehtsate silmade, hingata sisse selle tolmust ja saastatud õhku. Kas ei olnud ta oma kodus kui võõras, kas ei jäänud ta perekond talle alati kaugeks? Ta ei mäletanud, ent kuidagi teadis, et kõik oli olnud teistmoodi, äratundmatult teistmoodi. Too kujutlus tõi temani rohkem kui vanemate jutud ja ilusaid pilte täis fotoalbumid. Karm ja ohtlik, räpane ja vaene oli see maailm. Vabadus ja julgus tähendas seal rohkem kui vaid sõnakõlksu. Mandunud ja metsik... kuid kas taltsutatus ei tee tuimaks? Haige, saastunud maailm. Tema maailm?

Surev maailm. Ainult mina olen järel. Ainult siin on mul lootust. Ärevus ja pinge moondusid õuduseks, vastikuseks nägemuse vastu. Ta võis peaaegu tunda prügimägede haisu. Kaugemale, ainult kaugemale tajutavast, tagasi isa juurde, argiellu, et ta võiks noil hetkil kõrbes kogetu igaveseks unustada... Ta ei mäletanud. Ta ei tahtnud mäletada. Ainult siin on mul lootust. Et too teine maailm teda kunagi tagasi ei nõuaks.

"Valmis sain, tule nüüd!" Isa hääl tõi Barbara tähelepanu ümbruse juurde tagasi. Oli vaid kõrb, tee ja auto, mille poole tüdruk kiiruga jooksis. "Leidsid sa jalutades midagi huvitavat?" "Ei, mitte midagi erilist." "Varsti peaksime lõpuks sellest pärapõrgust välja jõudma ka. Kui me mingist linnast läbi sõidame, otsime mõne koha, kus süüa saab. Ostame jäätist ka, seda sa ju tahaksid?" "Jaa, kindlasti!" Auto sees olev jahe õhk tundus pärast kõrvetavat päikest taevalikuna. Barbara pani raadio tööle ning leidis pärast natukest otsimist mõnusa muusikaga jaama. Üksluine maastik möödus teispool akent, ilma et mõni suurem kivigi endale tähelepanu pöörama kutsunuks. Poolsuletud laugude vahelt üritas tüdruk teed jälgida ja mõtles rahulolevalt eesootavast õhtust onu pere juures.

Still got hope

Made myself a list of things to work on. I'll be surprised if I actually follow through with it all :-P but hey, who knows. I feel fabulous right now, it's amazing how you can go from low to high in just an hour or two with a small change in perspective. It's probably a good thing I've been feeling so distressed today really, because there's some hope that now I really will get to doing something rather than just talking about doing something :-)

Pointlessness

Just feel down and stupid. I'm not any good for anyone. Just some random person who does nothing. Nothing of any lasting value, anyway. Not good enough, not smart enough, not diligent enough, not social enough, not beautiful enough, not anything enough... not enough to stand out, to make a difference. And that's not something I can accept and live with. Maybe other people can, maybe it's "normal" and "healthy" and whatnot, but I just can't. I can't be a grey mouse. A mediocre replaceable person. But I am just that in everything I do. Excellence in schoolwork means absolutely nothing in the real world. Other than that, there's nothing really. Just this... person, who might as well disappear, and it wouldn't change anything. But what can I really do to change that? I can't think of what I could reasonably learn or do or change about myself to make things different. Small changes I can make, but they don't really shake the world around me. Coming to Tartu was a big change, but somehow I'm stuck in a rut again. It's very different from what it was like in Pärnu, but I'm still stuck. Stuck and mediocre. I don't even know where I want to be... what I want to be.

I have to figure out what it is that I want to do. Right now I just know I can't keep on going the way I have. Something has to change, and not a little. I have to find some more specific goals and a way to keep myself working on reaching them. But I don't know what would be enough.

Restless

I want to do something productive. The way it is right now, I just feel so totally useless. And by "productive", I don't mean studying and stuff... it's good when done for oneself, but it doesn't make the slightest bit of a difference for the world if I get an A or a C for a test or exam. I've barely ever done anything of use to anyone other than myself, and that feels so wrong when I think about it. I'm not sure what to do about it, though... or, well, I have some ideas, but don't know how to make them happen.

Maybe I should try to write. It's been ages since I wrote anything.

Unine päev

Läksin eile magama kella 1 paiku, ärkasin kell 9, panin äratuskella kinni ja magasin kella 15-ni. Kella 19 paiku jõudis kohale, et psühholoogide jõulupidu pidi olema kell 18-21 ning mul ilmselt pole enam mõtet sinna minna. Istusin arvuti taga, tuletasin meelde hiraganat ja katakanat ja esperanto keele mingeid asju. Täiendasin oma fotokollektsiooni. Varsti läheb ilmselt toakaaslane magama ja siis liigub Uru poole... ma vähemalt eeldan, et Mialee või keegi seal ikka on. Kui ei ole, siis... noh... alati võib ühika köögis "A Clash Of Kings"'i edasi lugeda. Jah, uskumatult mõttetu päev. Kuigi viimasel ajal on enamiku päevadega tunne, et tegelikult on nad kuidagi raisatud, kuivõrd nauditavad nad ka poleks. Üksipäini nauding ei saaks minu jaoks elu mõte olla. Ta on tähtis, vajalik, kuid mitte ainutähtis. Mul on olnud imeline "pikendatud suvepuhkus", aga see ei saa päris niimoodi edasi kesta. Mingit eesmärki on vaja, mingit sihti, mille suunas tegutseda ja areneda. Tegelikult on need sihid ju olemas ka, aga... ma ei tea... ma pean nad enda jaoks paremini üles leidma.

Need to say more

Don't know what to say, but need to say something.

"Ocean Soul" by Nightwish reminds me of another dark light in my life. Once ages ago in another world. Sometimes even illusory illumination is appreciated. Looking back, I still do. Even without true understanding on either side, sometimes it is enough to believe in a dream. Although I never really did, until the very end. I wish I had... it wouldn't have changed anything. But now that I'm more sure than ever that it was illusion, I wish I had believed in it even more.

I wish there was something true to believe in now.

Online people

Got an email from Dave today. Was nice to hear from him. Reminded me how I've been even more terrible than usual at keeping in touch with people. Even though the few people I still try to keep in touch with from abroad, they really are important to me.

The Danish guy. It's absurd, but I'm thinking about him again. I know the chances of finding him on the net again are very small... I guess that's why I write about it here, because I can't talk with him and nobody would really understand how or why he's important, but I need to say this somewhere. I wonder if he remembers me. The girl who called him dark dragon. The girl who thought she knew so much about everything and yet knew so little... but maybe, just maybe she could be forgiven, having been so young?

Although maybe the person I long to find exists only in my mind. Maybe the marvel I saw was only a dream of mine. I guess I'll never know. Or... maybe I will? Somehow, some way...

I should think more about my other online friends, though... or I might lose them too... I don't know what I'd do then.

To be on a quest

Satisfaction. Is wonderful. What would I do if I had to choose between what I have and the great unknown? I no longer know, I never thought I'd end up having so much it might be hard to give it up. Still I dream of that something, the quest, the journey through worlds and meanings of my longing. Greater than this everyday life. Would I be willing to give up this everyday life now, though? Willing to take the chance, break free from all I've tried so hard to reach within the mundane. I don't know. And maybe that's the best answer. What would be the significance of making a choice if the choice was obvious?

Who knows if it's a choice I'll ever have to make. More than likely it is just a fantasy I've not grown out of... I hope I'll never grow out of. I guess now that I don't need to hide into my fantasies, I can discover which ones have true deeper meaning for me.

I think I'm doing good at learning to walk. Maybe now it is finally time to learn to fly.

If I only knew if I really have wings. And a world to discover.

Tasakaal

Essee on tehtud. Sotsioloogia test on tehtud. Semester on peaaegu läbi. Varsti on jõulud. Siis lähen ma nädalaks Pärnusse. Aga seni on veel aega.

Jah, minu tuba on seda väärt, et Tartu inimestest ja tegemistest mõnda aega eemal olla. Ma ei oska seda tunnet sõnades kirjeldada, mis sellele mõeldes tekib, kui kujutleda ennast seal muusikat kuulamas ja/või lihtsalt maailma Tunnetamas. See ei ole lihtsalt koht, kus ma viimased 5-6 aastat oma vaba aega veetsin. See võib ka seda olla muidugi. Aga seal on lisaks veel midagi... midagi, mida lausa sealsest õhust tunda võib. Midagi maagilist. Midagi mulle olulist. See on koht, kus kõik mu ümber mind toetab ja mulle energiat annab. Koht, kus ma olen samal ajal ümbritsevast maailmast eraldatud ja samas rohkem avatud kui kusagil mujal... ja kuigi keegi ei saa sinna siseneda (kui ma sinna vähegi midagi parata saan), saan ma Interneti kaudu peaaegu ükskõik kellega ühendust võtta, kui soovin. Ilmselt saab seda niimoodi teadvustada ainult lühikest aega pärast pikemat eemalolekut sealt. Aga see kõik on tõesti seal olemas. Nüüd ma siis tean.

Aga Tartu on võimaluste linn. Kui ma võimalustele avatud olen. Tasakaal ja vaheldus on head märksõnad. Pean mõne koha pealt vist mõõdukam olema, et head asja liiga palju ei saaks. Näis, mis sellest välja tuleb.

Elu on vahel nii ilus. :)

The dark Danish guy

I still want to get in touch with him again. I know it's close to impossible now. But I can wish for it, right?

Jälle Tartus

Essee on umbes pooleldi valmis. Ideed on jälle otsas, aga pole hullu, vähemalt midagi juba tehtud. Kolmapäeval on sotsioloogias töö ka, milleks õppima peaks... ja kui töö ja essee kaelast ära saab, tuleb sotsioloogia referaat. Joy. Aga pole hullu... kui võrrelda seda Sütevakaga, siis... mille üle ma siin nüüd kaebangi? Ennast kokku võtta ja natuke pingutada millegagi seoses on iseenesest hea. Kuigi see essee tekitab küll tunnet, et miks ennast vaevata, kui see niikuinii kellelegi tegelikult korda ei lähe. Njah, olgem ausad, minupoolse motivatsiooni tekkeks on tarvis, et tulemus egole mõju avaldaks. Filosoofia olümpiaadiks esseed kirjutada on puhas rõõm, sest seal silmapaistmine tähendab midagi. Massidele mõeldud sotsiokultuurilise psühholoogia raames seda teha... tekitab mõttetuse tunnet. Sest see ei tähenda absoluutselt midagi absoluutselt kellelegi, kui välja arvata (loodetavasti) mõned punktid juurde minu tulemusele selles aines, mis siiski mulle soovitavad on. Samas ei tähendanud muidugi ka koolikirjandid kellelegi midagi, aga ikka sai nende kallal pingutatud ja häid tulemusi saadud. Eks ta ole, laiskus või midagi...


Vares on hämmastavalt korralik õppija. Imetlusväärne iseenesest. Huvitav, kuidas ta jaksab. Kooliasjadega reaalselt tegelevad meessoo esindajad on minu jaoks endiselt kurioosum. Nagu ka süüa teha oskavad meessoo esindajad. Kuigi viimane tuleneb puhtalt tõigast, et mu isa kulinaarsete oskuste tase on õrnroosaka varjundiga piimjasvalge borši keetmine... jah, see juhtus üle kümne aasta tagasi, aga see OLI üks mäletamistväärt supp... ja ega see oligi ilmselt tema tippsaavutus köögis. Kuigi ma ei tea, kuidas tal praegu sellega. Ta on ikkagi pidanud juba suht pikka aega ise ennast söötma. Aga vast saab ta seal Inglismaal ka piisavalt raha, et väljas süüa või toitu koju osta või midagi.

Nojah, tegelikult tahtsin ma siia midagi mõttekamat kirjutada... aga mingi teine kord vast.

Pärnus

Kummaline päev. Õndsus ja stress. Peaksin siia sagedamini sattuma... siin on mu tuba. Mu kindlus ja draakonikoobas. Koht, kus kõik mu ümber toetab mind ja meenutab mulle, kes ma olen. See on üks asi, mida mul Tartus ei ole. Tartus on palju, peaaegu kõik... aga seda ei ole.

Esseed peaks kirjutama tegelikult, aga see on see asi, mida kohe absoluutselt teha ei taha praegu. Sealt ka too stressipool. Õndsus... poleks vist õige isegi üritada seda sõnadesse panna. Kui mul see ainult meeles oleks, Tartusse minnes ikka meeles oleks. Hommikumaaränd.