Pointlessness

Just feel down and stupid. I'm not any good for anyone. Just some random person who does nothing. Nothing of any lasting value, anyway. Not good enough, not smart enough, not diligent enough, not social enough, not beautiful enough, not anything enough... not enough to stand out, to make a difference. And that's not something I can accept and live with. Maybe other people can, maybe it's "normal" and "healthy" and whatnot, but I just can't. I can't be a grey mouse. A mediocre replaceable person. But I am just that in everything I do. Excellence in schoolwork means absolutely nothing in the real world. Other than that, there's nothing really. Just this... person, who might as well disappear, and it wouldn't change anything. But what can I really do to change that? I can't think of what I could reasonably learn or do or change about myself to make things different. Small changes I can make, but they don't really shake the world around me. Coming to Tartu was a big change, but somehow I'm stuck in a rut again. It's very different from what it was like in Pärnu, but I'm still stuck. Stuck and mediocre. I don't even know where I want to be... what I want to be.

I have to figure out what it is that I want to do. Right now I just know I can't keep on going the way I have. Something has to change, and not a little. I have to find some more specific goals and a way to keep myself working on reaching them. But I don't know what would be enough.