I did drown in the mass anonymity of university life. I don't know who I am any more. I'm not all that sure I did before... but now it's like there's nothing left. I thought I'd come here to Pärnu and have it all come back to me the way it did before. But this time... in a way I only lost myself even more. Tomorrow I'm going to go back to Tartu, and I don't think I even have a chance of finding it there. I'll just continue being the anonymous name-behind-which-there-is-nothing, whichever name that happens to be in any particular case... Just a tiny part of a big machine, as replaceable as any other. And in the evening I'll come back to my room - or rather my half of room - which looks like any of the other 600+ rooms with its synthetic greyness and walls that seem to start closing in on me. Or I'll sit in Urg, which feels more like home than my room, but which isn't really "my place", either. One way or the other, I will learn much and value the experience, but it seems to be more and more the learning and less and less the me.

Maybe it really does have more than a little to do with not having my own place there. Somewhere that I could go to and feel at home and be myself. That would have my energy and help me keep my focus on what really matters. Here, everything is about that. It's like both a fortress and a sacred place. I might use the computer more than anything else in the room... but it's all still here around me. There, I have a place where I keep my things... and the things I take from here to help me remember who I am don't have the energy they had here any more. Even the music doesn't make me feel the same there. Oh, I still prefer Tartu as the place to live in most ways, no worries. I guess I've just realised it's not as perfect as I thought it would be in the beginning. I don't even have a place to go and sing any more... not even quietly and to myself. Yes, it matters, of course it matters. More than most people could probably imagine. Yeah, sure I could go join a choir and sing all I like... but it wouldn't be the same as actually hearing my voice when I sing. It's kind of like that with everything... it's like if I want to do something, I could be part of a choir and go for it all I like... but there's no place for me to hear my own voice. Figuratively speaking. It's wonderful not having to be alone any more. But for some things you need to be alone. And how to find a satisfactory balance between things... I don't know. I don't have a clue.

Is it really that much of a too-big-ego thing not to want to be part of the mass? To reach something beyond the nice secure middle-class position... which would as such probably be a pretty good achievement. I guess if I wanted to actually Achieve something, I'd better work towards it in some way...which would require perseverance and self-discipline. Now you know the funniest thing about those two? It takes them to develop them. The way I am, I'm like a butterfly in the wind. With no real impact on anything. Only a hope to be beautiful. And beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. To whom one butterfly would no doubt seem not too different from another. *sighs* I hate admitting that my mother is actually right about something about me. But when I look at how much I've actually done in the past few months... it isn't much. Sure, my focus has been on the social side of life... and it's been good and necessary and all. But I've abandoned pretty much everything else. And that's not good at all.