Darkness, light and beyond

Cloudy grey outside. Just sitting in my room and thinking about things. I've got so much food for thought. So much new information. I've dulled my perceptions to the degree that every new experience fades in my mind almost as soon as it's over, and I'm already waiting for the next one. But if I just let everything pass away, I don't really learn anything from it.

At least I know that while I've come to live on the light side of life, I have not forgotten the darkness. Maybe that's what you need to be a healer. A healer... yes. It's part of my calling. Even if I don't have the full picture yet.

An intermediary between this world and that. Astral? Archetypal? Spiritual? Whatever the name. It is there for me. And it is beautiful. Even if it is only glimpses. Even if it is not even that much for others around me. For me it is real. Meaningful. A connection I need to be whole. A connection that in a way makes up the best of what I am. What would Jung call it... the collective unconscious? The realm of the divine Self? Fire and water, space and sky and ocean. The Sun and the Moon and the stars. Symbols. Beyond words. Maybe that is why I'm not afraid to give away too much of myself. The most sacred I could not share even if I so wanted to.

Yet without that I am nothing. An empty shell, having nothing but the world around to give importance to.

I want to be close to people. I want to be close to myself. There has to be a way for me to have both. Right now I feel I have neither. I've rarely had more reason to be happy than I do now. Happy and thankful. Oh, and I am. I am so very much. I'm just a little bit lost as well.

Although a little bit less lost right now. Yesterday I met some people and we talked. And I remembered a promise I'd made to myself, one I don't know how to fulfil, but somehow I'll find a way.