René was at the debate club meeting today and we had a very interesting chat afterwards. Much food for thought. About going beyond yourself and self-imposed limitations, being open to experiences and daring enough to go for them, to do what you really want to rather than what you think you "ought to". I've definitely had lots of novelty these days... but at the same time I'm afraid to go beyond certain limits, to act in ways that "aren't me" on the one hand and express dimensions of me that might be "far out" to others on the other hand. Although maybe right now I actually need those limits in a way, because with all the changes I do need to have some idea of where I'm going... at least I probably needed them before. Right now, I'm not sure any more.
I think I need to be more "here", more present, to make better use of my time. My life is far from boring, but it is also far from all that it could be. I could do more in every direction. Be myself and explore who I am within more... explore the aspects of life and ways of acting/being previously unknown to me... be the active participant, the doer... be the watcher, the observer... Maybe it's that most things are coming pretty easy for me now, I don't have to do much, and therefore I don't do much. I spend more time with people than I ever did in Pärnu (except for this summer maybe), but I'm not really sure how much I'm learning from it.
I've discovered that sometimes it's good to just communicate with people for the fun and enjoyment of it... but if it just stays at that level, then it doesn't really give you anything, get you anywhere. You need the experience of everyday talk, but if it doesn't go beyond that, there's no real substance to it. With René, it always goes beyond, there's always substance. But I don't really have to do much for that, either. He's just special like that. With just about everyone else, I feel I'm stuck at the everyday level. To some degree it's natural because many/most people I talk with these days are new acquaintances, and there's enough to discover on the everyday level with them. Though then again, is it really? I don't really know all that much about René, and yet our conversations (as many/few as we've had of them) have always had real substance.
Maybe I'm just not making the effort. I'm just staying in the comfort zone. As far as being myself goes, as far as exploring new ways of being goes, as far as other people go. It IS kind of understandable, life is quite interesting without me needing to go beyond right now. But I've lived in Tartu for over a month now. And I don't want to get stuck in this state. Personal growth is essential.
kanaljee
4 years ago
1 comment:
May I offer some thoughts?
'Going beyond yourself' is a good idea when it involves close attention to the world around you, so much that you (almost) forget yourself. Set in a context of rebellion against 'limitations', however, it becomes much more sinister. Limitations tend to be there for a reason, and they are hardly ever 'self-imposed'. You are right to recognize that especially when apparent chaos is all around you (or in you), you need limitations.
Doing what you think you 'ought to' is either following your conscience (doing the reverse of which would be wrong), or accepting the norms of authority (doing the reverse of which is mostly unwise and frequently wrong). An artwork needs limits; so do people. Students included. ;)
I generally agree with the rest of what you said, and I'm glad you met someone like René.
But I would like to know what you mean by 'new ways of being'. Personal growth surely does not always involve 'new ways'...?
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