Same old moaning from here today

I'm so confused. I feel so detached from everyone. Well, with one exception. Which, I suppose, gives me some hope... And one can't say I'm not trying here. Offline, anyway. It seems like the more social I am offline, the less social I am online. These days I can't even seem to have a decent MSN conversation with people, let alone anything like emails, forums, chat rooms... I just can't hold the attention, it doesn't feel real any more at all. Online communication can only have my attention if it's relevant to "real life". Which imposes pretty big limitations on the kind of people I get to interact with.

Maybe I'll feel better when I get to the international linguistics olympiad... which I'll be off to tomorrow, btw. Yep, 5-6 days of (hopefully) getting to meet a bunch of interesting young people from all over... um, Eastern Europe mainly, though with some exceptions like Holland, Spain and a couple of others. It's unlikely that the international philosophy olympiad "miracle meetings" will repeat, but at least there'll be new people, action, excitement. I'm not sure if I actually want to get very emotionally attached to anyone I might meet there, last time that happened, it didn't end too well... or, now that I think about it, such things not ending well is the usual state of affairs... but I think I'm actually starting to understand the concept of "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all" on this level.

I guess it's like, I know I've got personal issues with this, but - as that one person I do feel things about goes to show - it's not that I'm incapable of experiencing connectedness. Maybe it's just that for developing that, there needs to be some sort of harmony, similarity, resonance that goes beyond the everyday surface. If not to the core, then at least deep enough to feel personal. It's hard to form strong emotional attachments with people who are so obviously "walking a different path". I don't want to be lonely, I'm rather sick and tired of it really. But I can't give up who I am in the hope that maybe, just maybe, that would somehow improve the situation a little.

I suppose I've managed to start annoying anyone who actually reads what I write here. What can I say... it's an important issue for me. These days, it feels like the single most important issue a lot of the time really. So I think about it relatively much. And therefore write about it.

Anyway, I guess this will be the last time I write here before the olympiad. So hopefully I'll be back with something new and interesting to say after that.

Bye-bye, Briana

And there, you could say, ends an era. We visited her at the place she's staying in Pärnu with Gerda and Gerly today. Played Triology, looked at the photos she'd taken in Nepal and India, had some photos taken of us together, and just chatted a bit. It's kind of weird to think that this time it's really the last time things will be like this. Even if she returns and we meet again, I'll be living a whole different life myself. Funny how I'm ending this phase of life among other things by parting again with this person I first met when the phase started. Yeah. Bye-bye, gymnasium, too. Weird, so incomprehensibly weird, when I try to grasp it. Although at the same time almost simply natural.

***

it is dark
and his footsteps
are stained with blood.

far away is his silhouette,
cringing and shivering.

night has set
but his path
takes him further still

through the desert
to mountains,
exhausted young wanderer.

desolate land is illumined
around him tonight.

only pain can ignite
the incipient healer's heart.

Be like the Sun

Of course the cards were right. I looked up some old things, and... oh, I've known it all along in theory, but it's so hard to put it into practice. To be so giving, so courageous, so strong, so self-sufficient... when you're so vulnerable, when the ground under your feet can give way only too easily. I seem so foolish, looking back, I've let my weakness consume me, even though I always knew what's right. Maybe it was how things needed to be... no, I'm sure it's exactly how things needed to be for me. I just could've been so much better for others around me. Nothing we ever do is completely selfless... but how did I not see that caring less about my own happiness and satisfaction would bring more of it to me as well? Because that's the truth, sometimes you can have things only when you give them up. I guess Kierkegaard still has much to say to me, his words are not only about acceptance and surrender, but courage in humility, the seeming paradox can mean so many things and appear in so many ways. Sometimes you need to be simply human. To live the light in your heart, remembering you are no better than any other, and yet are important enough to make a difference. Because everything about your existence, even that very existence itself makes a difference. "If you cannot be a tree, be a bush; if you cannot be a bush, be grass; and be beautiful grass..." I hope, I really hope that at least for now I will remember this. And appreciate the gift I'd previously failed to truly value and understand.

Muljeid päevast

Täna sai käidud koos Jariga vene ooperimuusika galakontserdil. Peab mainima, et Toomas Kuter valmistas õhtujuhina mulle mõningase pettumuse, ma mäletasin teda justkui kuidagi huvitavamana. Samas kuna too üks kord, kui ma teda taolises rollis varem näinud on, laulsin ma ise ka, mõtlesin ma ilmselt rohkem enda kui tema esinemisest. Üldmulje oli igatahes nauditav. Ma polegi mõnda aega mingil sellisel kergelt pidulikumat sorti üritusel käinud, seega oli juba õhustik ise omaette kogemus. Eriti koos kaaslasega, kes ise sellesse nii hästi sobivat tundus. Naljakas, kuidas mõni inimene võib näha välja nagu kodus peaaegu igas keskkonnas.

Pärast kontserti läksime vihma ja tuule käes Café Akbanasse, kus Kristiina ja Lilian töötavad, muidugi sulgemise ajaks. Natuke sai suheldud ikkagi, üksteist saadetud, ja loodetavasti on praeguseks kõik kenasti kodus. Ülehomme läheme meie + Airi ja Laura avastama Mandariini restorani. Või no, õigemini olen mina küll ilmselt ainuke avastaja sellest seltskonnast. Aga tundub, et suhtlemisvaeguse all see suvi tõesti kannatama ei pea. Kui see kõik oleks ainult kuidagi varem juhtuda võinud... Muidugi ei anna kahetsus möödalastud võimaluste pärast midagi peale kasutu frustratsiooni. Vähemalt ma üritan olevikus neist maksimaalselt haarata.

Huvitav, kui palju teised inimesed sellele mõtlevad, et "kui ainult", kuidas kõike teisiti teeks, kui aega tagasi keerata saaks. Ma olen üritanud võimalikult palju olevikuhetkele keskenduda, aga vahepeal tulevad mingid sellised mõtted. Vahel tulevad meelde mingid täiesti tobedad asjad, kuidas ma mingis olukorras (enda arust) valesti/ebasobivalt käitusin kuid või aastaid tagasi, kui jube mulje teistel inimestel ikka minust seetõttu olema peaks vms. Mitte et teisi inimesi nii väga huvitaks midagi peale nende enda elu tegelikult. Üldjoontes olen ma oma elu osas jõudnud vist sellise suhtumiseni, et "kui ma poleks läbinud punkte A, B ja C, poleks ma nüüd punktis D ega suunduks edasi punkti E". Aga mind ümbritsevad inimesed, kas ma ei oleks saanud nende jaoks rohkem midagi positiivset olla? Rohkem sõbralik, kannatlik, mõistev, abivalmis, sisemiselt tugev, isetu, paindlik, hooliv? Jah, nende omaduste täiel määral evimine on nagu omaette Püha Graal, millest ma kahtlemata praegugi väga kaugel olen. Ma olen ju tegelikult alati üritanud mingeid selliseid ideaale järgida, enamasti küll mitte eriti edukalt, aga vahest just nii edukalt, kui vastavates olukordades võimalik oli. Aga... kui siiski... oleks võinud paremini...?

Muidugi ei anna selline mõtlemine absoluutselt midagi juurde. Olgem ausad, teataval määral tuleb see ilmselt sellest, et ka praegu olevikus tunnen ma, et ma võiksin igasugu olukordades palju paremini olla ja käituda, kui see mul õnnestub. Muidugi eks ma ürita edasi. Mida muud ma selle jaoks ikka teha saan?

Back from Helsinki

Believe it or not, but I've never been to Finland before. So spending a whole day just walking around Helsinki and seeing what it's like was quite an experience. Although in the end we spent about half the time in this bookstore where I realised that the selection of psychology books in our local stores is... pathetic? non-existent? Although with the average price being around 1000 kroons a book, I'm not sure if having the same selection with the same price here would make any difference. I did end up buying one book, though, "The Gift Of Therapy" by Irvin D. Yalom... and I'm already craving to get my hands on his other books, not to mention overwhelmed in a positive way by the personality of the author. Which, I suppose, makes sense if he's a great well-known therapist... somewhat inspiring and somewhat daunting when I think about how I want to be like that in the future, too.

Oh yes, and now I once again feel like I can't wait to get to learning about this sort of things for real. Although I'm getting this suspicious feeling that wherever I'd want to be doing that, it's not going to be the university... seeing how "psychology major" currently means "economy, law, sociology and just a little bit of psychology introductory stuff for the taste". Yeah, I know, it's like the first semester only, and if I've wanted to study psychology since like 7th or 8th grade, I'll survive yet another year or half a year. Although there are no guarantees it's going to get better after that! I guess I'll just try to do some active searching for opportunities of learning etc.

Coming back to Helsinki, I must say I was stunned by how it was like there were more Asians than Europeans on the streets at times. Probably because it's the tourist season there, too, and it's a big city and all. Still kind of interesting, though. Around here, I'm already different enough to stand out from the crowd with my naturally slightly darker skin and dark brown hair. There, there were people of all shapes and colours, and all that diversity was so fascinating. Also the houses and the streets and how everything was so much bigger than around here in Pärnu. I'd like to go there again some day. Big cities are exciting. I'm not sure how I'd feel about actually living in one, but just going there and feeling all that energy, hordes of people moving around everywhere, things happening, life happening around you... it's quite something.

But being back isn't so bad, either. Hopefully yesterday's trip was enough of a change of atmosphere for my life here to feel more interesting again. At least right now I feel like being at my computer and reading psychology stuff is the most exciting activity ever. Not that psychology wouldn't feel like that in general, but right now it's just especially so again. So... yeah... I think I'll go do that now.

Deep blue

I don't really know what I'm doing right now. Just writing here because it's the only thing that makes sense somehow. It's like everything else is meaningless, something distant and too heavy by nature for my liking. Maybe it's that I'm tired, maybe it's that I said the wrong things to people on the phone, maybe it's that and all that general confusion, somehow making this beautiful day into something that feels horrible. Maybe it's some kind of a weird balance act for all the good things I felt yesterday, maybe I'm just being selfish again today. I don't know. Everything just feels like an unnecessary burden and it's like in this whole world there is only one person I feel connected to. I'm living this fake life which is nothing like what I'd want it to be. I have to do things, make decisions, and I feel like I don't want any of it, not right now. I've been doing all these things, being social, learning, trying to "get into the flow" with people, and even though it's working, I don't really feel any closer to these people around me. I'm a feeling person, feelings are important to me. And if I don't have them, then something important is lacking. And I'm not sure how to change this. I know I'll feel better eventually and go on doing all the things I've been planning to do, enjoying them as much as I can, but there's still something lacking. Some kind of an emptiness in me and my life. I know I have so much to learn from small, simple and ordinary things, but I still end up feeling smothered. Or, well, I feel different every day. One day I feel one way, the other it might be the exact opposite. Or even in the same day. I was totally happy about my life like three hours ago. I don't even know which way to go or what to wish for. If I'm lacking something, what I'm lacking, what to do to find that something. One day it's my creativity, then it's my magic, then it's people who are like me, and then again I might feel it's just the need to feel overwhelmed by something big and beautiful, feel something more than ordinary everyday life events could ever give. Feelings. Yes. Feelings matter. I know I'm doing my best in making this life worthy of experiencing. I know I probably can't have the things I want because I'm not ready for them yet. I know... a lot of things. And of course none of them make me feel any better right now. I also know I'll feel like writing all this here is like the most stupid thing I could've been doing, but at the moment I just don't care. It's the only thing that even remotely seems to make sense. The cards said, be like the Sun. But I don't have the energy of the Sun. I have so damn little of it.

About being beautiful #2

I hope we've established that nobody can be liked by everybody. Here, of course, you can say that despite great variations in individual preferences, there are certain general ideas about beauty and attractiveness that are upheld by a great many people in at least your own society/country/neighborhood/area. If you fall short of these requirements, you are likely to get less positive attention than and be treated differently from those who have a stunning appearance.

I definitely agree that being considered beautiful is both pleasant and useful. However, there are other traits of a person that can matter as much or even more than appearance. Also, unless you're horribly deformed, you can probably project a certain feel of attractiveness around yourself if you believe you are attractive. There's definite truth in the idea that others see you the way you see yourself. I imagine it has something to do with subtle body language which sends messages to the subconsciousness of those around you. Sure, the way you look might matter some. But what is more important is how you make people feel. And while changing the former would require drastic measures beyond some point, the latter is much more under your control. From developing socially valuable traits of character like kindness and enthusiasm to those subtle signals you send when you're confident in yourself, this has probably more impact than anything the eye can see... assuming you follow basic hygiene etc.

So, being beautiful is more about acting beautiful. Assuming the point is to have positive social interaction and be noticed by... whichever sex you go for for reproductive purposes... if you get where you want to get through acting a certain way, do looks really matter all that much? OK, if the general instinctive reaction for looks is a "wow", it's probably easier than if there's no reaction, and considerably easier than if the reaction's more like a "ugh", but even in the last case I'm sure it's still possible to make it work for you. Maybe the only reason the reaction is a "ugh" is because you send out the signals showing you expect such a reaction?

What if you say it's not about how other people feel, it's about how you feel? You know, I'm sure there are people who have this one, and I wouldn't be surprised if they set themselves some impossible criteria for being acceptably good-looking, and then felt bad because they couldn't live up to that. OK, let's go over this. What you want is to feel beautiful, right? To look in the mirror and like what you see? You've got these ideas about how you should look to feel beautiful, and the way you do look doesn't quite match those ideas. Now you've got two options: to modify the way you look or to modify those ideas.

Let's say you go with option 1 here. You work out, change your hair colour, buy the kind of clothing that should make you look more like what you want. You've got all that, and then you discover your nose isn't quite the shape you'd like it to be, your ears are too big, your lips too thin... a bit of a tough one, as you can't change those things very easily. But, oh, nowadays there's plastic surgery! Maybe you're just lucky enough to have the money to afford it. So there you go and out you come looking all different, all more like your idea of beautiful. But what's that, the nose still isn't quite like what you wanted... and oh dear, how can you ever live with such small breasts and yellowish teeth? Looks like another visit to the plastic surgery... and then another... and maybe another... and oh my, you got all that done and you're still not satisfied. You should definitely lose a few kilos to get the results you want. Strict diet, intensive exercise. Still a few kilos too many. Probably should stop eating altogether. Lose some more. "What do you mean, anorexia?"

OK, this was an extreme example, and I'm definitely not saying that you should ignore your appearance altogether or anything like that. But think about how all those movie stars and models and people you'd think are already gorgeous, how they're actually going through things like this, using sometimes extreme measures to try to get themselves look better, because they don't really feel they look good enough. The point is that if you aren't satisfied, you aren't satisfied. If you aren't happy with yourself, then no matter how you might want to improve your appearance, it won't make you any happier, or maybe only for a moment. If you want to feel good about your appearance, then the only way to get there is to look in the mirror and accept what you see there. See all those small imperfections that bother you so much, and realise that nobody is perfect. You don't have to try to be the first in that. Maybe all you need is to find the beauty in being just what you are.

This got a bit long-winded here, but hopefully some food for thought. They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. That has definitely been my own experience. So don't worry, you can be, no, you are beautiful. :)

About being beautiful #1

In one of the films I saw today, there was a Danish guy who was, at least by my standards, noticeably good-looking. Let's put it like this, he had short hair and I found him rather attractive, now this is not something you hear frequently from me. And what caught my attention was how in a conversation with some friend of his he mentioned how he wasn't attractive. Yep, yet another gorgeous person thinking he doesn't look good enough. Sheesh!

It's not like there is any one set of "requirements for perfection" here. Even if something like that were to be created, it wouldn't really show anything that matters, it'd just be this artificial system some model agencies might use for picking out the people they'd want to work for them. If your dream is to become a model and you don't fulfill these criteria, then sure, it's understandable that you'd be frustrated by your appearance. But even then, that wouldn't mean you'd be seen as ugly or unattractive by other people. Actually, in everyday life it seems like appearance doesn't really matter that much at all.

Think about the people you know and their relations with the opposite sex. Are there not guys and girls, who despite being some of the most gorgeous people you know, don't get noticed, while others of more mediocre appearance enjoy immense popularity? Now, being considered attractive by the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on your orientation) is probably the main driving force behind our desire to look appealing. Basically all those instincts of reproduction, etc. Of course, there's also the general social position etc, you have to conform to certain norms of appearance to be accepted and viewed in a positive way. The latter is probably more about being clean and generally pleasant-looking and mildly conformist than anything more particular.

Going back to being attractive to... opposite sex, same sex, both, other, whatever. I've read that what people consider appealing is people who look "close to the average" or "different from the average". Now that sure gives us a lot to choose from here. :-P Basically option 1 is "relatively free from 'imperfections'", but at the same time could be seen as "ordinary/boring/not very striking". Option 2 is "unique, stands out in the crowd and gets your attention", but - as with all things "different" - such attention could be both positive and negative. If you were to think about what you consider attractive, and then ask your friends the same question, you'd probably find that opinions differ, to put it mildly. You might even discover that the same traits that one finds highly attractive, another finds repulsive and yet another doesn't care either way and stresses something else altogether.

So basically you've got a lot of different people saying a lot of different things. Might there be some general similarities there? Sure. But probably every apparent "rule" is going to have some exceptions. You know the whole "beautiful women have to be thin" idea? Guess what, I know a guy for whom a girl has to be overweight to appear attractive. Just because some people don't like the way you look, doesn't mean it applies to everybody. Actually, there are always bound to be some people who don't like the way you look, or at least don't find it attractive. So if for you, being beautiful = being liked by everybody... then you might want to think this one over twice.

Exploring life

It might sound kind of funny, but I've never really done things like just hanging out with friends before. And for the last couple of weeks that's pretty much been the main thing I've been doing. Being with people, going to the film festival or just randomly walking around or sitting somewhere chatting and having fun. Having a social life or something like that. And I think I'll probably look back at this time and see it as having been spent more usefully than if I'd just have been sitting at home reading... although my views about that were different once, and they might change again.

Today was good. First we went to see the 2-o'clock séance at the film festival with Jari... or more like, he went there and I went there, and I wasn't even sure he'd be all that happy to see me there, too. Fortunately it appeared that he was rather glad about it, which in turn made me glad, and so it was all good. After that we went to the Turkish restaurant where Kristiina and Lilian work, and we ended up spending over 6 hours sitting there and talking about various things and just having fun. We're going to go to the Chinese restaurant on Friday and have a picnic on Saturday, all four of us. At least such are the current plans.

It's funny to think about how you can sit and talk about nothing in particular for 6 hours and enjoy every minute of it. I suppose it depends a lot on who you do something like that with. There is definitely something to be learned from Kristiina and Lilian. They can just turn anything into a fun experience. Even laugh about things others might find irritating. Not that they wouldn't be irritated or upset by anything, but they do seem to have this way of seeing things from a joyful and/or humorous perspective as much as possible. A trait that quite a few of my old classmates seem to share, actually. Maybe I should've spent more time with them all...

I actually had all these thoughts I was going to write here, but now they seem to have just disappeared somewhere. Maybe they'll come back and I'll write more later on. :) But yeah, I hope all four of us will be meeting up quite a few times yet this summer. Seems like we do make a pretty nice group. *sighs* And I do wish this had happened sooner. Socially, these last three years feel like just heaps of wasted opportunities. Although there were probably as many opportunities I did make use of, as there were those that went wasted. And regret won't get me anywhere. I guess I'll just need to make the most of what there is and keep my eyes open for what will come to be. :)

Öised õudused...

...ehk selle maja tegelikud omanikud ilmutavad ennast. Vähemalt üks neist. Suur, tume ja kaheksajalgne. Seinal trepi kõrval, kust pööningule saab. Kuna mul oli sinna asja, pidin Sellest mööda minema. Tegelikult oleks võinud ka minemata jätta, aga mõtlesin, et võiks ikka mina hirmu valitseda, mitte see mind. Nõnda ma siis seisin seal oma viis minutit, vaatasin Seda ja valmistasin ennast vaimselt ette. Lõpuks suutsin ennast kokku võtta ja aeglaselt ülespoole liikuma hakata, kuni Sellega samale kõrgusele jõudsin, sealt edasi liikusin... natuke kiiremini. Üleval oli tore, vaatasin aknast tähti veel natuke ja mõtlesin, et hea, et ikka ära tegin selle. Siis tuli alla minna. Elukas oli muidugi ikka veel seina peal. Kui esimesed paar sammu tegin, liikus See natuke, ma taandusin kiiremas korras, siis üritasin uuesti hästi aeglaselt ja ettevaatlikult, kuni Sellega samale kõrgusele jõudsin jälle, siis suht jooksin alla, kuigi tegelt selle trepi peal joosta ei tohiks. Ja nüüd ma siis olengi õnnelikult tagasi. Parem oleks, et see lähemaks ajaks viimaseks ämblikuks jääks, mida ma siinkandis näen.

Muljeid/mõtteid "Metamorfoosidest"

Tegu siis Pärnu Filmifestivali ühe filmiga, mida täna vaatamas käisin. Huvitava pealkirja peale. Sisu ei petnud huvitavuse osas ootusi, aga oli üpris šokeeriv. Teemaks nimelt seksuaalne ahistamine ja vägivald tänapäeva lääne ühiskonnas. Mulle tundub lihtsalt kujuteldamatu, kuivõrd levinud see on. Filmis mainiti, et ligi üks viiendik naistest on kogenud vägistamist või intsesti. Ilmselt on statistika muidugi väga umbkaudne, aga vaevalt nad ka päris peast selle välja mõtlesid. Isegi kui poleks 1/5, vaid 5%, tähendaks see ikkagi 5% liiga palju. Aga sellisel meeletul arvul... see on midagi kohutavat. Ja kui mõelda, et see on ainult üks nii paljudest inimeste probleemidest ja kannatustest...

Huvitav, kas see tähendab, et ka mina tunnen selliseid inimesi. Muidugi eirab enamiku inimeste (ning sealhulgas kohe kindlasti minu enda) tutvusringkond igasugu statistikapõhiseid jaotusi. Aga tõenäosus on suht suur. Kuigi ilmselt ei saa ma ise sellest kunagi teada. Nagu ma prima psühholoogia valikkursuse ajal detsembris nägin, pole välisest muljest sugugi ilmne, kui kellelgi mingeid probleeme on. Ka julge ja lõbusana paistev inimene võib osutuda sisemiselt haavatuks. Ja haavatavad oleme me kõik. Kui me ainult seda teistega suheldes meeles peaksime.

Intro / Making a comeback

So, after a 3-year pause I'm finally back to the world of blogging again. Lilian mentioned today how she's got two blogs of her own, and we talked about that and blogs in general for a bit. Which all reminded me how interesting these things are and made me want to have one of my own again. So here I am. :) I haven't a clue how long I'll actually keep on writing here this time... but why not give it a try. I'm not sure what language I want to do this in, really, so I'll probably just use whatever I'm most comfortable with at any given moment. Don't worry, (contrary to popular opinion) I don't really have all that many to choose from... yet :)

I do hope I'll really keep writing here this time. As I'm currently in between gymnasium and university, and I'll be moving to Tartu this autumn for studying in the latter, with all the changes in life that are certain to happen etc, things should get pretty interesting over here.

It's kind of funny, really. On the one hand, this is probably the last time that summer = summer holiday (yeah, I know I've been saying that since like 8-th grade, but this time it's probably for real). So I should make the most of it... and I am trying to do that, rather successfully even (I currently think). But at the same time it's this strange in-between period where there isn't really any point trying to make any new connections with people in Pärnu any more, but at the same time I can't do that in Tartu yet, either. Not that I haven't spent like almost every day meeting up with my now "old" classmates and other people and doing fun things etc. *rolls eyes at herself*

Somehow I still feel a bit empty though. Distant from the people around me, despite really trying to overcome the "I'm so different and can't relate to the lives of 'common/normal people'" attitude that's brought me little but loneliness and confusion in life. I guess the problem is that despite the fact that I shouldn't magnify the issue by focusing on it overly, I am different. And I can't force myself to develop some kind of close emotional bonds with people it doesn't come naturally with. And the sort of people that it could come naturally with would be the kind that would be at least moderately similar in being different... not sure if that made sense, but basically I can't exactly meet such people on every street corner. Hopefully I'll have better luck in Tartu, after all it's pretty much the Estonian "university town" and home to 20000 students + all the other science- and culture- and whatever-related people. But right now it's just... confusing.

Right. I was actually going to have like one paragraph here for the intro, but then I got carried away. Oh well... here it is. Here I am. Nice to be back. :)