Deep blue

I don't really know what I'm doing right now. Just writing here because it's the only thing that makes sense somehow. It's like everything else is meaningless, something distant and too heavy by nature for my liking. Maybe it's that I'm tired, maybe it's that I said the wrong things to people on the phone, maybe it's that and all that general confusion, somehow making this beautiful day into something that feels horrible. Maybe it's some kind of a weird balance act for all the good things I felt yesterday, maybe I'm just being selfish again today. I don't know. Everything just feels like an unnecessary burden and it's like in this whole world there is only one person I feel connected to. I'm living this fake life which is nothing like what I'd want it to be. I have to do things, make decisions, and I feel like I don't want any of it, not right now. I've been doing all these things, being social, learning, trying to "get into the flow" with people, and even though it's working, I don't really feel any closer to these people around me. I'm a feeling person, feelings are important to me. And if I don't have them, then something important is lacking. And I'm not sure how to change this. I know I'll feel better eventually and go on doing all the things I've been planning to do, enjoying them as much as I can, but there's still something lacking. Some kind of an emptiness in me and my life. I know I have so much to learn from small, simple and ordinary things, but I still end up feeling smothered. Or, well, I feel different every day. One day I feel one way, the other it might be the exact opposite. Or even in the same day. I was totally happy about my life like three hours ago. I don't even know which way to go or what to wish for. If I'm lacking something, what I'm lacking, what to do to find that something. One day it's my creativity, then it's my magic, then it's people who are like me, and then again I might feel it's just the need to feel overwhelmed by something big and beautiful, feel something more than ordinary everyday life events could ever give. Feelings. Yes. Feelings matter. I know I'm doing my best in making this life worthy of experiencing. I know I probably can't have the things I want because I'm not ready for them yet. I know... a lot of things. And of course none of them make me feel any better right now. I also know I'll feel like writing all this here is like the most stupid thing I could've been doing, but at the moment I just don't care. It's the only thing that even remotely seems to make sense. The cards said, be like the Sun. But I don't have the energy of the Sun. I have so damn little of it.