.

...and the work just goes on and on and on, doesn't it...

But I have faith. It will all be good in the end.

People

In the end, there is something to learn from everyone. Everyone has some bits of wisdom you haven't yet discovered for yourself. At the same time, nobody has all the bits. It's good to learn from both strengths and weaknesses... successes and failures... and not limit yourself in who you think can teach you something.

Just because someone is really good in one area of life doesn't mean they're good at everything. And just because someone is really unsuccessful in one area doesn't mean it's the same with everything else as well. Sometimes what you see depends on what you're looking for.

Just some late night thoughts. :)

Hea

Hea on jalutada aprilli lõpus öösel mööda Emajõe kallast ja näha-kuulda-tunda loodust ja elu enda ümber. Hea on (taas)avastada enda ümber inimesi, kellega ühendab midagi väga sügavat ja erilist. Hea on kuulda, kui keegi, kellest lugu pead, arvab, et sust saab kord üks väga hea psühholoog. Hea on istuda küünlavalgusel kergelt viirukisuitsuses toas post rock'i, kassi, tee ja heade sõpradega. Hea on teada, et elu võibki olla selline. Hea ja ilus. Teada, et see kõik võib olla alles algus.

Sõbrad

Tunnen praegu midagi ääretult sooja ja head teie suhtes. Te olete suurepärased... vahepeal ma unustan natuke, kui suurepärased. Aga õnneks mitte kauaks. :)

Recognition

...you will see
the whole cause of your loneliness
can be measured in dreams
that transcend...

(Dead Can Dance "Enigma Of The Absolute")

I know

I can't believe I'm going on complaining, either. Right now of all times.

Nostalgia

Once upon a time there was a person. Kind of different from and kind of similar to the one I met on Saturday. We talked on the Internet. We talked perhaps for a few months. I'm not even sure how exactly it ended any more. I guess from some point onwards we were just both too busy. And after that I tried and tried but it never happened like that again. Finally I accepted that it was part of the past. Moved on. Life was ahead of me, real life. But sometimes I still remember how it was. To talk to someone who was somewhere between the mundane and the beyond. Who actually showed me that it was possible to live in both worlds, and that I didn't have to choose between the two. At least not on all levels, not all the time. Someone who inspired me. By his very nature.

And I just had to go and look through those old emails again, didn't I. Remind myself of what had once been. Of what might never be again. Not with him, not in this way. Of what might a be faint possibillity for the future in another way with someone else. Of what, no matter how many people there are around me it seems, is not that easy to find. And what am I to do if I do find it? Because the next question is, what is there for me to give to someone like that... and if I don't have an answer to that, is it even right for me to seek communication? Just because there are few things more valuable than such communication for me, doesn't mean it would be the same for them. The very nature of what it is I value makes it seem unlikely.

Though maybe I'm wrong. I'd be glad to be wrong about this. But would I be sitting here, feeling like this, writing these words here then?

:)

An hour with one person can mean more than months of interaction with another. Give more, change more, shake something up within you, revive fantasies and feelings deep in your soul. Revive the awareness of the soul itself.

Yes, there are people out there who know how to dive and fly. To go beyond. And the inner recognition, even if the moment is brief, transforms something deep within. Perhaps a sentence or two can have the power to transform. It is not even about what exactly is said, but how. Perhaps one of the most noticeable qualities of a person further along the path of spiritual alchemy is the weight and power of his words. How they hold your attention, make you process them more deeply than those of a regular conversation.

It is strange to meet someone who is already well on his way towards something I only aspire to attain. To find such unexpected confirmation of that it is really possible.

Wish come true

Now I know why I had to wake up too early for my taste today.

Now I know why I had to fight with myself despite wanting just to stay in bed and rest and do nothing at all.

Now I know why I had to drag myself through the streets, feeling weak and dizzy and wondering when I'll pass out.

Why despite all that, I came. Why I stayed. Why I stayed till the end. And beyond.

Had I known what I had waiting for me, I would've done more than that. Oh, what wouldn't I do for what I found today.

LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE.

In response to Kärt

The beautiful androgyne

Busy time starting. Long days, 3 exams next week, data gathering, and once that's done, the frantic writing of the seminar paper. Some time in the middle of it all, two essays to write. After the seminar paper deadline, up come the remaining exams, quite closely following each other once again. Hopefully, there will also be some time for having a life...

But I'm going to Spain next year. So doing this for now is not so bad. It will be good taking some time to really live. :)

The ebb and the flow

I've had two amazing weeks. I've managed to do so much and at the same time have fun, be with friends, even get a couple positive new experiences of life. Now there will be studying and the like ahead in considerable quantities. I thought maybe this semester I could actually get to go deeper into the subjects I'm studying, learn more than is necessary to pass the courses (well). But apparently, human limitations need to be taken into consideration. Right now, I'm once again just focusing on getting enough done, never mind the extras. Though I know some subjects I'll be pursuing further in my spare time in the future... :)

Right now, I've got a bit of a cold again, which I hope will get better soon. So I need to balance between conserving energy and getting enough done. The thrill of being active again has been replaced by a need to take it easy once again, but hopefully it'll return soon all the stronger. After all, it's spring and sunlight makes us all feel more alive again.

:)

I've had a wonderful weekend. It's been both productive and entertaining, both quiet and intense, and just plain great to sum it up.

And there is someone in my life who nearly fits a character in a storyline I've had in my mind for a long time. Not entirely, perhaps. But for now, I think it's close enough. ...I mean, okay, a 100% fit is like not real in the world as we know it. And actually it's kind of mind-boggling to think that I know someone who... oh my god, shares practically all the relative traits really, when I start to think about it. And the more I learn, the more there is in common.

Well, life is just getting ever more interesting.

LARP

Aitäh Alleriale ja Taliesinile! Te olete geniaalsed. :)

Learning, growing

Made a little shift in thinking today. Probably just a first step in a long long row of them, but it was a step, and a noticeable one at the time. If I manage to keep on going, then... well... if I manage to effect such changes in me, then there's hope for other things as well. :)

And I'm still feeling the flow.

:):):)

I just realised a wish of mine has come true. And while it's amazing to think about it, it actually seems kind of right at this point in time. Maybe I'm finally ready for it.

Still amazing though! I feel like I want to express that emotion so much, without going into the details. Just how excited and happy and thankful I am.

And to think how much has happened in a single week. To think that not so long ago I was feeling as though I didn't have the energy to do anything, and my life had kind of lost its meaning once again, and so on. To think how radically can things change in a short time. And yet, with this one thing, all I really needed was to realise the opportunity had long been there. I just needed the courage to go for it. Hopefully I'll also have the courage to go for what this should be the beginning of.

Well, I'm working on that one. :)

Exhausted

I don't get it. All I've done today is meet up with some people for a couple of hours. And I'm so exhausted I can barely get myself to think. Even writing here right now is an effort. And I have things I need to do yet tonight.

Goals

Let's just face it. I don't even know for sure what I want to be doing in the long term. And at age 20, that's totally normal and acceptable. I mean, I know the basic direction I want to be moving in - and that's probably more than quite a few of my friends can say about themselves. Maybe for now it's good to just accept that long-term perspectives are a bit too far in the future for me. That the only real path I will continuously keep walking is that of learning from life. Kind of comes with the whole deal of living really. :) Other than that, maybe I'm best going for reasonable, short-term goals. And rather than trying to change my personality into something that would conform with some idea of what it "should" be, it'd be less frustrating - and probably more productive - to work with what I've got and see what happens. The fact that people who share my interests sometimes seem to interest me more than said interests themselves used to seem like a problem. Now I think it might be just my way to approach things. Maybe I just need that human element. And maybe I can learn through that. Might be it's actually a kind of strength. For a future psychologist at least. :) Maybe if I accept the fact that I'm not likely to commit myself to anyone or anything for the long term any time soon in my personal life - and look at what I can do in days and weeks instead of years - I might actually move along further.

It's funny how some things my mum's tried to teach me for so long really have stayed with me. Values etc. I may have rebelled against them to some degree when they came directly from her... but apparently I accept them only too easily when they come from other sources. And while they make sense in general, the discrepancy between the "is" and the "ought" just ends up making me feel inadequate. Too inadequate, really. Makes me feel as though I had none of the qualities I "ought to" have at all. But that's not really true. I just need to find my own approach to them. Something more productive than the all-or-nothing one I've had regarding some standards that are likely near impossible to achieve any way.

People are just people

Been browsing through some forums and once again came to the realization that most of the people with lofty goals are just as fallible and limited as I am. That many of them are struggling with the same issues as myself... as perhaps many/most of us. It is something that is both discouraging and encouraging at the same time. On the one hand, it makes me wonder - where are the masters? Is mastery even attainable? But on the other hand, it also reminds me that it's natural that most people aspiring towards mastery have not attained it yet. Just because I seek perfection of a kind, that doesn't mean I have to be perfect here and now. It doesn't mean I have to know everything about the subjects that interest me... or be completely internally balanced... or even be able to get myself out of bed and doing productive stuff every day. Most others don't, either! I guess in the end I just need to find my own way.

Once again

Life is amazing. Somebody upstairs must like me. :)