Phoenix

A being associated with death and rebirth, transformation and healing. (Assuming you've read my recent blog posts)...kind of Plutonian, isn't it? I wonder if the person I know who goes by the name is aware of this connection.

More... not-so-random info

Pluto is associated with healing. It is something I read today for the first time, and somehow it makes sense. Connects with all the things I've been writing about here recently.

Just random info

The name of the Sumerian god Enki translates literally as "Lord of the Earth". In Sumerian astrology he was associated with the planet Mercury. His symbols were the fish and the goat and eventually the zodiac sign of the Capricorn. He was the god of wisdom and magic and the keeper of the gifts of civilized life.

...I'm kind of starting to like the planet Mercury. As in, noticed the gods it's associated with? Hermes, (obviously) Mercury, Odin... Enki... Yep, I'm definitely starting to develop a liking for the planet.

Something new old new

I know, I should be long asleep...

And no. You don't have to understand.


***

I was almost seven and my mother had left the window open for the summer night air to come in. Lying in bed I wondered if He'd know I was waiting for Him. If He hadn't shown himself before, maybe He didn't even care. Or maybe He hadn't visited just because He couldn't enter through the glass.

A gentle breeze blew through the room and with it came the sound of footsteps on the floor. I opened my eyes. There He was, standing at my bedside.

"Hello."

"Hello. I have waited for you every night."

"I am here now. What would you like to do?"

"Did you really fly all the way here?"

"Yes, I did."

"Can you teach me to fly? Could I fly with you?"

"Sure. Just take my hand and come along."

He smiled. I reached out my hand towards His and got up. My body suddenly felt so light. Moving around didn't require any effort. We easily jumped on the windowsill and rose up through the air till we flew above the roofs and chimneys. Stars above and streetlights below illuminated our way. Then we left the town behind us.

We landed on a hill in the plains somewhere.

"This was wonderful! Thank you so much for the flight."

"I am glad you enjoyed it. Is there anything else you'd want?"

"Anything at all?"

"Say what's on your mind."

"It's kind of a biggie."

"Don't worry about it. Just speak."

"I want to come with you. Stay with you. Learn from you."

"I only have one question. Can you tell me why?"

"So I could become like you."

"Is that what you really want, to become like me?"

"It is. I do. I really really do."

"Then I bless you in this."

With these words He placed His right hand on mine and His left over my eyes. Nothing seemed to happen. Then He stepped away. As I opened my eyes, I saw we were back in my room.

"All it takes to move around is thought really."

"Why are we back here?"

"To say good bye. So you could go to sleep and on your way to get what you asked for."

"Do you really mean I have to stay here?"

"You need to live this life."

"Will you at least come visit me again?"

"Perhaps, but you won't see me there."

"Why not?"

"So you can learn. And become more like what you wished for. It's not going to be easy. Not meant to be easy. You will suffer, and you will be alone. As did I, and others like me. Only later will you understand."

He lifted me up and lay me in bed again. The familiar feeling of tiredness and weight returned. With sorrow I watched Him go. A gentle breeze blew through the room and delivered me the last traces of His voice.

"Come to me when you've learned to fly by yourself. I will be waiting for you."

School

One reason why I'm paranoid about ending up in prison some day.

I feel for the outsider school shooters. The ones that lived must've brought their own worst nightmares to existence.

It's a similar system. Only there's less to keep people from killing each other. And nowhere to run or hide.

And oh how adept they must be there at tormenting those who do not fit in.

Something old new

For the best effect, read this while listening to "Last Statement" by Insomnium.

Written a while ago. Enjoy. Comments would be appreciated.




***

I remember in September and October of that year I often lay awake at night, feeling too overwhelmed by the small events of my life that I could not sleep. I tossed and turned and finally just lay still with my eyes open, looking around, trying to overcome that fear of monsters in the dark that should've left me along with my childhood. Sometimes I ended up pulling the blanket over my head and trying to will myself to sleep. Other times I felt at one with the night and prayed for those illusory fears to turn out to be my real allies. Prayed the morning never came, or that someone flew through the window and took me away to a world where mornings didn't matter.

Then there were those times. The times I looked at the curtains and saw something behind them. A figure, a human figure, that could not be explained away by anything my frantic night-mind tried to come up with. If I closed my eyes, it would be gone by the time I opened them again. In the daytime, I reprimanded myself for the terror that small mystery of the unknown evoked in me at first. On the nights I prayed for salvation, I yearned to see that shadow again. On the fearing-the-monsters nights, though, dread overcame me even at the thought.

Once, when it was there again on a praying night, I got out of bed and went to look behind the curtains. There was nobody there, and the streets were entirely empty and quiet. But some white rose petals were floating in the air, carried by the wind, just outside of my window. I stayed up long, thinking and wishing, after the last one had disappeared from sight. I wondered if, perhaps if I had reached out my hands and got hold of just one, it would've somehow brought my dreams to me. Being the good daughter that I was, though, I didn't dare to try opening my window in the middle of the night. That would've woken up my parents sleeping in the next room.

* * *

It was the last week of October. I was walking home from a birthday party which, as I had realised, I shouldn't have gone to in the first place. I wasn't really supposed to be returning by myself, but that felt like the last thing I cared about at that moment. I couldn't have stayed. I didn't really want to go home, either, though. There'd just be my parents waiting for me, welcoming me in a way that, I was sure, would make me wish I'd died before my arrival. Just thinking about that already made me feel it. Combined with the emotions from the party I had left, the idea of something happening seemed quite appealing. Until I saw the body, that was.

There was a man lying on the street ahead of me, obviously dead, judging by the huge pool of blood that had formed around him. Light from the streetlamps didn't reach him so I couldn't tell how he had been killed, but it had obviously been violent. I definitely did not want to take a closer look. Suddenly the dangers of walking alone at night in suspicious neighbourhoods dawned on me very clearly. Someone had attacked that man, and probably not too long ago. What if the person or group was still around? The area seemed deserted, ominously so. I couldn't hear anything except the low hum of electricity. Anxiety grew in me until it turned into something primal, an almost animal fear of being chased by predators – and there were predators, they had left their mark on that street that night.

I turned around and walked, almost ran the opposite way, wanting nothing more than to get away from there. My home, that party I'd left, anywhere seemed fine compared to being open prey to those lurking in the shadows. The streets were too silent. There were no cars, no people moving around. I turned a few times, trying to remember the best way to get home. Only when I walked into a blind alley did I realise that I was lost. A moment later, the predators caught me.

There were four of them, huge and ugly. They approached me from the open end of the street, leaving nowhere to escape to. As I backed away into the darkness, they followed until finally surrounding me. I noticed one was wearing a thick golden chain. At some signal from him, two of the other men grabbed my arms and the third one held a knife against my throat. I was frozen on the spot as the last bit of my rational mind dissolved in the ocean of pure animal terror.

„Oh my, look at what we've got here! What you doing out here all alone like that, cute little thing? Looking for some excitement, huh? Well, so are we! And we're going to have some, too.“ He smirked menacingly. „Now, if you're just a nice little girl and cooperate, you'll enjoy this along with all of us here.“ He grabbed my legs in an attempt to lift me up. That was the last thing he did.

It was like a whirlwind had gone through the place. Moments later, I was free and the thugs had disappeared somewhere, leaving behind the knife and long trails of blood. Everything was silent again. I remained standing, still frozen, unable to comprehend what was going on.

Then I saw him. He was standing further away, looking at me. In the dim light of distant streetlamps, I could barely discern his features. There was only the feeling. Something emanated from him, a sense of the night and a mysterious power that attracted me, even though I didn't quite know what it was just yet. He took a few steps towards me, then stopped again and bowed. „My name is Raphael. I am...“ An angel, a dark angel? I thought. „...not an angel, though.“ He was silent for a minute, and I felt it was my turn to say something, but uttering so much as a simple greeting seemed beyond my mental capacity. As I was trying to get my mind to work, he just watched me quietly, with his head slightly tilted to the right, as if wondering about something.

„Hello.“ Barely louder than a whisper. It felt like it had taken me ages to say it. „I'm...“ What was my name? I couldn't remember it despite the most frantic attempts. „Vivian,“ he finished softly and continued approaching me. A foot or two away he remained standing. „I have something for you.“ I noticed only then that he was holding a white rose in his right hand. With his left, he touched my shoulder lightly. „May I?“ Slowly and tentatively he ran his fingers along my arm, down over the elbow to the wrist, then again from the shoulder down the other side till reaching the palm. I could barely feel it through the clothes.

Gently he took my hand into his and with a slight bow gave me the rose. He then placed both his hands on my shoulders and continued running his fingers over my arms, neck, back, almost as if trying to understand the feel of me. It was strangely soothing, powerfully so in its subtlety. Slowly it brought back the awareness that I did, in fact, have a living, moving body beyond my overworking brain. Finally he touched my head, and with a few strokes my mind, too, was unfrozen. Mostly though, my tears, which didn't seem to care about my futile attempts to keep them from flowing. I turned my head away to at least try not to show him I was crying. It didn't matter, he could see me anyway, and as he wiped the tears away with his fingers I only thought about how noone had ever touched me that way before.

I looked at Raphael again. There was something different about him, a dreamy longing look had appeared in his eyes that were glowing faintly in the twilight. His eyes were glowing? A shiver ran through me. So he wasn't human after all. Facing him like that suddenly felt too close for comfort. The yearning in his gaze... I didn't know if it was part of some deep spiritual connection, or just the hunger of a predator, the true predator of the night I'd never been taught about. Who was he? What did he want from me?

He closed his eyes, and as he leaned on me slightly in an attempt to keep his balance I suddenly realised he was close to falling. „Are you all right? What's wrong?“ The words came out smoothly in a whisper. Somehow I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to my question.

Raphael returned his gaze on me. „I need blood.“ After a pause, „Much blood.“ Another pause. Looking down, with strange emotion, „Your blood.“ Silence.

A vampire. I was alone on a blind alley with a vampire. Although I doubted being in the middle of a crowd would've made any difference if he really wanted me. For a moment I felt like running, getting away as fast as possible, but exhaustion from the night's events was taking its toll even on those basic instincts of survival. Raphael had regained his balance and was in his turn keeping me from losing mine. I tried to get a better look at his face, but could see little more than the light in his eyes. He didn't seem like a brutal murderer. The thought of death felt terrifying, but not in the way it had just minutes before when I'd been cornered by the bandits. I could sense the warmth from his hands; even then it was still soothing. Somehow I knew he didn't want to hurt me. Kill, yes, but... „Will it be very painful?“ „Not at all, if I don't let it be.“ For a moment he was silent. „I won't let it be.“

Neither of us spoke again for a minute. I thought about my family, my school, things I'd go back to if I lived. Remembered all the times I'd wished for death before, imagined all the times I'd wish for it again if I survived. There wouldn't be a better day, a better chance. To him, at least, my blood would be of use. With him, at least, I wouldn't face the end entirely alone. I wondered what it would feel like, that lethal moment of closeness. Would he hold me, give me one last taste of warmth before it was all over? One taste more than I could hope to have.

„I guess it is a good way to die. The chance of a lifetime, even.“ I tried to smile, but without success. „What happens now?“ He didn't answer. For another moment, he gazed at me, his eyes so intense, full of emotion. Then, quietly, in a murmur, „You won't die.“ Barely having said that, he lowered his head to my neck. I tried to let go, and as he sucked my blood, I felt a coldness grow within until it took over everything else. Before the darkness came, I could only sense his tears burn, falling on my skin.

I had a dream tonight

I was maybe 11 or 12 and I wanted something so very much. Something that would take years of persistent effort and dedication to achieve. My family didn't understand. Had anyone else known, they might not have, either. Somehow it didn't matter. Well, it did, but not so much as to stop me from going for it. Knowing I'd have to go against the current of my immediate surroundings and rely almost solely on myself. In the dream I had the strength and courage and conviction to make the most of what mattered to me even though it meant a difficult path.

If I could only remember the feeling and follow it in my everyday waking life.

Sometimes dreams speak clearly.

Explorer spirit

The wish to go beyond still lives on. Maybe that's the best way to phrase it. To go and shed light onto the unknown. Discover what's on the other side of the limits of the familiar. To have a genuine encounter with life, myself, the Universe... through that.

Pluto

Darkness isn't evil. It is the unknown. We fear the unknown because we don't know what will happen if we come into contact with it.

Maybe we really need to experience the extreme to come to understand ourselves.

Successful encounters with the unknown make us stronger. Maybe that is what we need to Live. To become masters of ourselves. It would mean being both less and more human than normal people can understand. Our humanity is so fragile... even more fragile than what is needed for our survival.

I think I am finally starting to understand why so many people fear/ed the witches. And others like them. People who sought the unknown. Found it. Were transformed by it. Yes... transformation. Pluto. For Scorpio... for Judgment. Power isn't good or evil. It just is. Like fire just is.

For this one moment at least, I feel like I'm beginning to Understand. I guess it is beyond words.

Life

Margus wasn't entirely right. To surrender might mean to show your weakness. But at the same time it's also to liberate your strength because if you've accepted whatever comes, you don't have anything to fear.

I'd like to say something, but I've already said everything in my previous entry.



***

We were standing on the bridge, gazing at the river. Further away the setting sun was painting the sky orange and yellow.

"It is so peaceful here."

"Yes. No people around. Only the elements."

"That's all one really needs, you know. Some peace and quiet, and the sun shining down on you. Why is it so hard to find such simple things?"

"It isn't. Only if you make it."

"But it is. There isn't even anywhere to go when you want to be alone."

"Have you already gone to every place in this town?"

"Well, no. There aren't very many I could try, anyway. At least not many I can think of."

"There is no need to limit yourself to what you can think of."

"What should I do then?"

"Free yourself from your fear of other people."

"What do you mean? How would that change anything?"

"When you are not afraid you can be yourself even in a crowded room."

"You make it sound so easy, but it's not."

"It's a challenge. It's not supposed to be easy. If life was all easy, you'd be bored long by now."

"You're right."

"And you do have the power to change it. Have you forgotten?"

"I wish I had the power to make you really exist."

He didn't say anything.

I turned and slowly walked away.

Belonging

I am surrounded by people. People that illuminate my life, that are dear to me, important to me. Close. Yet in a way I am alone, different from them and to consider this difference unimportant or non-existent would be to deny... well... too much of what is important to me. The traditional categories of what connects people, what creates a feeling of belongingness do not feel as important and impressive to me as they as they do to many others. And yet I need it, too. In a different way. A way that I know exists... to people of the kind I know exist... but of whom very few if any are currently part of my life. And that's not something I could probably change very easily. Even if I could find them, get in touch with them, I am far from sure they'd be interested in getting in touch with me.

Or, then again, maybe that's just the very kind of thinking stopping me from finding what I seek.

Right now, of course, I barely have time for anything outside of university things, so that goes for seeking things as well.

But there's only so much that actual active seeking could do in this case. I think for it to be right, it'd have to be natural finding that sort of happens... And I think it should happen naturally when it's the right time if I'm the right type of person. I don't know if I am. But seeing how I want this... it would seem too cruel if I wasn't. Desire can't be that incongruous with one's nature. I would say that when somebody's passionate about music, s/he is usually musically gifted, too... but I once knew a girl who so very much wanted to learn to play the piano but all her hard work and desire to learn did not make up for the fact that she lacked any ability whatsoever needed for it. I can only imagine how painful it must be to be incapable of doing or being something so important and valuable to one. And I can only hope that it is a pain that at least with this one thing I would not have to experience.

Mitmepidised elumuutused

Mõned neist üpris konkreetsed ja teada, teised esialgu jätkuvalt tundmatuses...

Ei, muutused tõesti ei tule kergelt. Ka siis, kui sa tead, et neid on vaja ja nad on paremuse suunas. Harjumuste murdmine jne. Aga võib-olla on teatav ebakindlus ja -mugavus just see, mida mul praegu vaja on. Võib-olla ei saa selleta, kui tahta elada vabalt ja ehedalt. Teatav ettemääramatus on vajalik.

Njah, praegu on topelt kahtlane olla, nii kehas kui hinges. Aga esimeses on juba märgata positiivseid muutusi. Näis, mis teisega saab.