Actually everything is just how it needs to be. :-)

Jah, ma olen jälle kerges vingumismeeleolus

Vaatasin jälle järgmise semestri aineid ja võib vist öelda, et nii palju lootusest millegi vähem massidele tuleva osas. Ilmselt ma peaksin tänulik olema selle eest, et kohustuslikele ainetele registreerunuid on siiski keskmiselt sada millegagi, mitte 300-500, nagu see esimesel semestril oli. Aga miskipärast ma kahtlen, et see just piisavalt suur edasiminek oleks. Selle asemel, et istuda suures auditooriumis kogu ülejäänud sotsiaalteaduskonna esmakursuslastega, istun ma nüüd tõenäoliselt lihtsalt natuke väiksemas auditooriumis hulga tibidega, kes arvavad, et psühholoogia on kõige sobivam ala oma vabaainepunktide kättesaamiseks. Iseenesest arvaku ja saagu minugipoolest, aga see hakkab vaikselt aina enam häirima, et kui Margust teavad umbes kõik tema teaduskonna õppejõud, siis meil on see tore masside anonüümsus, millest veel mõnda aega mingisugustki väljapääsu ei paista. Jah, ma tean, Margus on teine inimene teises olukorras, aga... ta tegeleb valdkonnaga, mis teda huvitab ja tema jaoks miskitpidi oluline on, ta on sellega juba pikemat aega ühel või teisel viisil tegelenud, osalenud igasugustel olümpiaadidel ja võistlustel ja midaiganes, ja ka tulemusi saanud, teda on märgatud... märgatud suht algusest peale. Psühholoogia on minu jaoks midagi väga huvitavat ja olulist. Mul oli eelmise semestri "pikendatud suvepuhkust ja elunautimisele pühendatavat aega" väga vaja, aga teoorias saan ma lõpuks ometi rohkem pühenduda sellele, mis mind tõesti ligi tõmbab ja mulle korda läheb... ja olgu kõigega kuidas oli, ülikooli mõttes ma rohkem taolisi semestreid ei taha. Ilmselgelt pean ma selleks ise midagi tegema. Mida ja kuidas, ei kujuta paraku ette. ...või ühte-teist vast võin isegi kujutada... aga see eeldaks vist, et mul juba oleks mingisugune konkreetsem arusaam, mis mu plaanid on ja kuidas ma neid teostama hakkan. Või midagi sellist. Ma ei tea, kuidas ma midagi taolist endale looma peaksin. Või kui nii võtta, siis muidugi ei kujuta ma ette ka seda, kuidas ma üldse seda oma elu suuremat pilti teostama hakkan. See eeldab kahtlaselt rohkem aktivismikogemust ja -kalduvusi kui minul neid siiani olnud.

Ühesõnaga ma kirjutan segaseid ja seosetuid lauseid ja oleks pidanud juba ammu aega tagasi magama minema. Nevermind.

Strangeness

Have you ever thought about what 'being a weird person' really means? Some people believe they're really different from others... and others believe the same about those people. Often it is as if there's an insurmountable obstacle on the way to communication and mutual understanding. But the differences are so small really, compared to how much is similar. We find it so difficult to relate to other people because of tiny details in their behaviour, interests etc compared to those of ours. Tiny details. In the big picture, we're all just... human. Few - if any - of us are really different in any significant way for anyone outside our own culture, community. Species. We take ourselves to be the measure of all things. But we are not. The people who talk about saving the planet... have you ever thought about how it really only means saving ourselves? (Which, being homo sapiens sapiens myself, I still regard as quite an important task...) And the gods of mankind with their human desires and emotions... angels that look like people with wings... humanoid aliens and ascended masters that seem to talk through every medium of the new age community these days. We are not the centre of the Universe. We're just particles of the ever-changing mystery of oneness. And we don't even have a clue about all the possible ways of existence that are out there.

To love and care

Something people should do more. There is too much sadness and suffering in the world.

Yes, I know all the 'but's. But I still feel that. I wish I could heal. For real.

If I remembered this feeling... if I acted upon it... if there was a single person for whom I could make a positive difference...

I want to love and care. I'm not sure if I know how to do it right... but I guess it is something worth learning.

It's really true... one phase in my life is over and another has begun. I'm not sure at all how to feel about that. On the one hand, it's wonderful. On the other hand... while so many new doors seem to be opening, others are closing. Perhaps some of them are doorlike windows, but being able to look through them still holds some significance. Like the world of music, a world I've become so estranged from. In Pärnu, I was always surrounded by people for whom it was important, for some perhaps the most important element in their life. Going to concerts was a usual thing. And doing music myself... singing... I suppose I knew I wouldn't become a professional singer, but I still dreamed about using my voice to share with people a taste of divinity. Close contact with music and the people related to it has probably been one of the biggest privileges of being born into this family. That world has always appeared somehow magical, something better and beyond the everyday life. Even though I know it's far from as rosy as it might seem to some... it is beautiful. And a world that seems to remain farther from me every day. Of course I still listen to music and everything. But there's so little personal real-life contact with it. I miss that.

I think I was going to write about something more general first, but it doesn't matter any more.

Yes, the beginning rather than the end. :-)

Should be studying

No concentration. Something too important in too fragile a state. Regardless of what I have been told, it feels only too likely that if I focus on something else even for a while, I might lose it. It shouldn't happen, it would be so absolutely wrong if it happened... but what if it will even so? I guess I would live on and everything would be ok again somehow, after all I've managed so far. But I don't know how easily. The only thing that doesn't change is change itself... the flow of life makes perfect sense. But this now... it shouldn't go like this. It should be a beginning, not an end.

The Three of Swords. How appropriate.

Chaos all over.

And yet the Ten of Cups. There, isn't it? Something so very good and right. To be shown something so beautiful... and when it seems real, only for it to be so likely to disappear. Maybe it's one of those "painful moments you learn so much from"... yeah, probably. That's what I want after all, isn't it? Personal growth. What better way to have that... But I don't think this is what it's about right now. Not at this time, not in this way. It is at most a challenge to be overcome, to make things more real. The Seven of Wands reversed. If I could only be sure I'm not wrong...

But I don't know if there's anything I can do about this. And the connection I have with the flow of life has taken me where I've needed to go. Perhaps this is a reminder to look within and get in touch with what will always be with me and guide me safe through these troubled waters.

Everything will be how it needs to be. I should know better than to fear for the future.

Yeah... and now if I go back to trying to get some studying done here, I might actually have another thing less to worry about on Monday...

Yes, Merlin indeed. How true... how funnily accurate. ...no worries, you don't need to understand. Any of this.

Bittersweet

To be open means to be vulnerable. I still don't know what outweighs what.

To be one with all means never to be truly alone.

Or maybe not

I wonder if it is possible that when something seems too good to be true... it really is true.

Kevadine lumi

If something is too good to be true, it probably is.

I guess I should accept the obvious.

Elus ja terve

Minuni on jõudnud kuuldused, et inimesed on hakanud muretsema, kuna ma ei vasta nende katsetele ühendust võtta. Ilmselt võlgnen selles osas vabanduse. Ma ei soovinud kelleski ärevust ega muid negatiivseid tundeid tekitada. Hetkel ma tunnen, et mul on vaja... kas just ainult omaette aega veeta, aga suhtlemist kindlasti vähemalt mõneks ajaks kõvasti vähendada. Ennast jälle üles leida millegi enama kui inimsuhete võrgustiku ühe mutrikesena. Tegeleda kõige sellega, mis vahepeal üpriski unarusse jäänud on. Ma ei tea, kuivõrd see mul ka õnnestub. Aga ma tunnen, et viimane aeg on vähemalt proovida.

Mis ei tähenda, et ma kavatsen mingiks pikemaks perioodiks igasuguse suhtluse inimestega katkestada. Aga ma loodan, et te mõistate ja ei tunne ennast eemaletõugatuna, kui ma mõnda aega hüposotsiaalne olen.

Thank the Universe, looks like things aren't working out so bad after all. :-) Now there's just... the rest of my life to figure out.

Well, as a very wise and good old friend would say... trust your feelings and go with the flow.

Uus aasta

Sedapuhku tõesti uus. Teistmoodi. Ma võin vaid loota, et ka hea. Algus tundub sellele viitavat. Kuigi kõik on nii segane, nii segane... Jõuluaeg ei toonud õieti millessegi selgust. Ainult uusi küsimusi. Kindlalt tean ma vast seda, et ülikooliga seotud tegevustel peaks mu elus vast mõnevõrra suurem roll olema. Ja et ma ei peaks kompulsiivselt üritama iga õhtut mingite inimestega koos väljas veeta. Aga mida ma ei tea... on väga palju. Suuresti see ilmselt ise kujuneb ajaga. Mõnes küsimuses peaks samas võimalikult varsti vastuse leidma. Õige vastuse. Või vähemalt nii õige, kui olla saab. Sest vale vastuse hind oleks liiga kõrge.

Vähemalt üks on kindel. See aasta algab hoopis teisiti.