:)

Ja iga kord, kui tunnen ennast lootusetult üksikuna, astub tegelikkus vahele. Täna siis juba teist korda. Huvitav, mis saab homme. Kas ma julgen usaldada seda kulgemist, mis mind siiani välja toonud on?

_._

Seminaritöö on tehtud, kaitstud, hinne saadud. Eksameid siit-sealt natuke veel on. 2 nädalat veel ja ongi kõik. Edasi on tundmatu maa. Natuke vist liigagi tundmatu. Ma ei karda niivõrd uute muljete üleküllust, kuivõrd tühjust. Seda tühjust, mida viimasel ajal liiga palju tekkinud on. Või kas alles tekkinud... võib-olla lihtsalt teadvustatud. Või ka nii ja naa. Sest viimasel ajal on iseenesest põhitähelepanu läinud seminaritööle. See täitis suure osa mu elust mitme nädala jooksul. Ja nüüd on see läbi. Aga mis iganes sinna asemele tulemas on, pole veel päriselt kohale jõudnud. Just praegu, hetkel kui tunnen niigi mingit tühjust, puudust millestki, pean loobuma sellestki, mis siiani olnud... Njah, mitte et ma konkreetselt seminaritööd just niimoodi leinaks. Pigem seda, et varsti on käes aeg Tartust lahkuda. Pikaks ajaks lahkuda. Tartust ja Tartu inimestest. Ja kuigi see, mis ees ootab, tõotab palju imelist ja rõõmuküllast, on seal vahepeal nii palju tundmatust ja tühjust. Ja just nüüd, just praeguses seisus tundub sellega silmitsi seismine raske.

._.

Yeah. Spring must really be getting to me. But I'm learning something new every day. And trusting the flow. Things have been just right so far, really. If tonight I manage to focus on preparations for tomorrow... who knows what floodgates will open after I've done what needs to be done? I am in the middle of such an amazing time that I don't even know why I'm sounding as though I were complaining. Maybe cause the last couple of days have been not quite as amazing. Not even bad, just... kind of useless. Mind you, I did and learned some very important things today. And yesterday, OK so I spent most of it daydreaming, but if anything I've been doing too little of that lately. Though there's the ever-present feeling that time is slowly slipping away through my fingers, and every moment needs to be lived fully. And it is real-life experiences I want in the end. Though yes, sometimes daydreaming can be good. Because not all things can be had in real life.

I wonder if everybody is so full of contradictions. It's rarely the case that I'm neither one or the other extreme cause I'm simply in the middle ground. Nah, it's middle ground cause I'm pulled in both directions. Or however many directions there happen to be with any given issue. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't been torn into several pieces already. Art and science, fear and power, connectedness and independence, action and reflection.

Connectedness and independence. Yeah. Let's be honest, that's the one that's kind of confusing me right now. On the one hand, I want to have long deep meaningful close relationships with people. On the other hand, I want freedom and variety even more. Novelty is the key word. I don't want to be dependent on anyone.

Right. Anyway, I better go and do some preparation for tomorrow now. We'll see what happens from here.

Loveless

If the name doesn't ring a bell, watch this for an overview (and if it does ring a bell, it's still a pretty cool video):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4qttlESGEg

It's kind of weird to find myself watching and enjoying something like this. The fact that it's a "boy meets man" type of scenario with hints of BDSM actually makes it a bit less weird, but still. A love story. Aahhh...spring must really be getting to me.

FLOW

Yes. Yes!

LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE

Expectations

are the root of all evil. Or something like that.

It is the surprising, the unexpected, that excites us the most in the end. When you go somewhere, meet with someone, do something with the thought that it must be something truly amazing, you're bound to end up disappointed. To amaze, something needs to extend beyond your previous idea of what it might be like.

And really, it's past time that I stopped defining some people as "people who know T.". One would think that three years should be enough to move on already.

.*.

Ma võiks tõesti kord juba leppida sellega, et ühe inimese asemele teine astuda ei saa. Et mõned kogemused jäävad minevikku ja sellisel kujul neid enam lihtsalt ei ole. Kas ma üldse tunnekski seda kõike nüüd samamoodi, kui T. päriselt mu ellu tagasi tuleks? Kolm ja pool aastat tagasi olin ma praegusega võrreldes väga erinev inimene. Ma ei mäletagi enam õieti, mis või kuidas seal tegelikult oli. Mõni asi tunduks praegu võib-olla enesestmõistetav. Mõni teine ei puudutaks mind äkki üldse.

Ja siiski, jälle ma mõtlen tema peale. Jälle ma võrdlen inimesi mingisuguse etaloniga, mida pean temaks. Ta ei pruugi sellele õieti isegi vastata... Ja ometigi, kui ülev näib mõte kohata kedagi, kes tõeliselt tunneb teda.

..

Cold has come again. Yesterday it rained. Today the clouds are still there, blocking the sun and making one wear a coat. I suppose it's not really such a bad thing. It would be far worse if it were warm and inviting outside - having to sit in my room, focus on things I need to get done. Making the final improvements in my thesis. Yes, I suppose it's good this way. It was sad before, when the weather was glorious and I had too much to do to enjoy it for real. Now, the loss is not so big. Anyway, it will be over soon.

No matter what, tomorrow at least I will Live.

All hail the Flow

I've just had the most amazing weekend of... well, a while. I'd like to say "my life" cause that's how I feel right now, but the rational side of my mind doesn't let me. But seriously. Everything is just so amazing and unexpected and beautiful and right.

Long live the month of May. Long live Prima Vista.

:)


Bonito, todo me parece bonito
Bonita mañana
bonito lugar
bonita la cama
qué bien se ve el mar
bonito es el día
y acaba de empezar bonita la vida
respira, respira, respira

El teléfono suena, mi pana se queja
la cosa va mal, la vida le pesa
que vivir así ya no le interesa
que seguir así no vale la pena
se perdió el amor, se acabó la fiesta
ya no anda el motor que empuja la tierra
la vida es un chiste con triste final
el futuro no existe pero yo le digo...

Bonito todo me parece bonito

Bonita la paz, bonita la vida
bonito volver a nacer cada día
bonita la verdad cuando no suena a mentira
bonita la amistad, bonita la risa
bonita la gente cuando hay calidad
bonita la gente que no se arrepiente
que gana y que pierde, que habla y no miente
bonita la gente por eso yo digo...

Bonito, todo me parece bonito

Qué bonito que te va cuando te va bonito,
qué bonito que te va

Bonito, todo me parece bonito
La mar la mañana, la casa, la sombra,
la tierra, la paz y la vida que pasa.
Bonito, todo me parece bonito.
Tu calma, tu salsa, la mancha en la
espalda, tu cara, tus ganas el fin de semana

Bonita la gente que viene y que va
bonita la gente que no se detiene
bonita la gente que no tiene edad
que escucha, que entiende, que tiene y que da

Bonito Portet, bonito Peret
bonita la rumba, bonito José
bonita la brisa que no tiene prisa
bonito este día, respira, respira
Bonita la gente cuando es de verdad
Bonita la gente que es diferente
Que tiembla, que siente
Que vive el presente
bonita la gente que estuvo y no está.

Bonito, todo me parece bonito.

Qué bonito que te va cuando te va bonito,
qué bonito que te va.
Qué bonito que se está cuando se está
bonito qué bonito que se está.

Bonito, todo me parece bonito

(Jarabe De Palo - Bonito)

Flow

It was a beautiful evening. From the moments I stood at the window in my room, listening to Dead Can Dance, thankful for the here and now... to the moment now, when I am sitting at my laptop and once again listening to Dead Can Dance, which seems to have become what I listen to the most these days. The music strikes a chord in me, one that I wish to hear more and more.

When you expect whistles, it's flutes
When you expect flutes, it's whistles

With sadness I saw him leave the room, the man I'd admired for so long for his writings. Admired perhaps even more so for being related to someone more than just admirable for much more personal qualities. I didn't know what I had been expecting really. Instant recognition, instant welcoming? If the one I'd once been friends with had moved on with his life, why did I think a complete stranger would understand how much meeting him really meant for me?

After all, it had just been a few words. About how I admired his writing, how it was a pleasure and honour to finally see him in real life. Things he probably heard quite regularly from people. Things it made sense to say. Some stupid question about inspiration. Then, just awkward silence. And indeed, there was nowhere to go on from that point. Nothing connected us, except perhaps that someone I had known a long time ago. Someone who long ago moved on.

So I stood there as he spoke to his companion, trying to look as though I was doing something. As the two walked out the door I stood there, gazing at his pale grey coat for the last time. Gone. I'd gathered my courage and approached him, spoken to him. I'd done what I could - at the wrong time in the wrong place, but the best there was open for me. I'd sought the person and found the writer. For the writer, I was just another girl who'd read his books.

I sat down, trying to collect the scattered remains of my hopes. In the end I didn't know the person. It was someone else who had inspired me, who I burned for with such passion that everyone who knew him seemed to have become holy. It was someone else whose memory made my eyes water when I saw this man, someone else and the inspiration I hoped they might have in common.

The event I'd come to see was almost over. There was little point in staying. I'd had a day full of magic and the culmination I had so desired. It was a dead end, but at least I'd arrived there, if only to prove to myself once again that some people were way out of range for me. Like father, like son perhaps. I'd been reaching out to people who could never be my equals. To people whose lives were just too distant from my own.

It was dark when I stepped outside. Still I kept hoping for a miracle of some kind, but little enough was likely to happen. I had wanted to meet someone who understood the transcendental... someone who could see beyond the mundane... someone with whom I could go on a journey of (self-)discovery. I'd thought I could find that in the man I'd spoken to. Perhaps I'd got too carried away with old connections, perhaps I should've paid more attention to something else. It was too late to think about it there, though, having reached the end with little more than once again broken illusions. It was not what I had come for, but it was what I would naturally get.

Right?

Someone spoke to me. It was a guy I'd had a brief conversation with at the event. He and a friend of his were thinking of moving on someplace else for conversation. Would I be interested in joining them?

Well... I thought. Might as well at least give it a try. Small chance I'd find anything transcendent there, but it would be a better end than a lonely walk home.

So on we went. With talk that in time went far beyond the mundane.

...


Only back at home did I look up who it was that I'd been talking to. And to think. He was a writer who'd approached me as a person.

How amazing. How ironic. How absolutely beautiful.

No expectations

Perhaps that is what you need for things to flow.

So then

I found it hard to let go. After those few miraculous minutes with Him, I found it hard to just go on with my everyday life as though nothing had happened. And yet I couldn't reach Him, I had to either find the miracle where I was or forget about it altogether. And I found the miracle. Just on Saturday I was so aware of it, I'd transcended the longing and rediscovered the wonder in my life the way it is. Opened my eyes to the world both without and within. And I still feel it is so.

But just seeing the name come to life, words written by Him, not even directed to me... and then just a minute of actual interaction, about things entirely impersonal... The way it made me feel, still is making me feel, leaves no doubt as to whether He is still a person of importance for me. Even though today in my mind I was the furthest I had been from Him in two weeks. Perhaps those moments only happened because I'd thought I was ready to move on.

When you expect whistles, it's flutes
When you expect flutes, it's whistles