Why, oh why

I think I've had an overdose of information...

Now tell me, why would anyone have a studying frenzy during their holidays??? After all the time I spent worrying about my lack of motivation around the end of last year, I can barely get myself away from all the material I loved to hate just a while ago... and anything to do with psychology... and some other topics.

It started innocently enough - just going over some old materials a bit to see if I might find some hidden gems. With the idea being connecting theory to practice. Right now I'm so overwhelmed by the amount of theory out there that I've started to simply try to absorb it like I normally do... and even this is not going nearly fast enough. I think I've once again completely lost sense of what is reasonable. It's like I want to learn everything, now.

I'm not sure if I want or don't want to see what's going to happen two weeks from now when the new semester begins...

When the student is ready... (read: keep waiting?)

You know, it's kind of funny how it seems that the older I become, the younger my friends become. 6 years ago the difference could be measured in decades. 3 years ago it was years. Now there is no difference. I remember my mum always used to worry about me not interacting with my peers enough. Well, no worries there any more. I'm actually beginning to worry about the fact that I know too few people that aren't my age. (Or, then again, as I've been worrying about it for the past year, maybe "beginning" isn't quite the correct word here.)

"Worry" is a bit of a wrong word here. I'm not really sure what the right word would be. Feel kind of sad about it, maybe. It'd be great to know someone who'd have seen life and mastered its challenges. Who'd have learned to handle situations and themselves, rather than have it all simply come easy for them. Maybe I'm asking too much from people... maybe my standards are too high. As always. I used to idealize the intellectuals, the cultural elite: authors, professors, the like. Now it's kind of hit me how they're all just people like everyone else. They can be just as petty and prejudiced... just as sad and lost. My own parents seem to have failed miserably at making something out of their lives. How can I really see them as authorities as far as making it goes?

It's like... on the one hand I'm feeling like I want to open my eyes and ears to every person around me because there is something I can learn from everyone. And I really do feel that right now, I feel it so strongly and know it to be true. I so hope I'll make good use of my opportunities with it.

But on the other hand, there are the ubiquitous high standards. I might think I just need someone who's older and more experienced... but that's not really true, is it. A friend of mine uses the name "Master Of Life" on MSN. I guess that's a pretty good way to sum up what I mean.

Ok, I'm getting the feeling I've been over this time and time again in this blog. I'm not really sure why at the beginning of writing this I thought it was going to be something new. Like, I was thinking the exact same thing a year ago! And the situation hasn't changed much, has it... Oh, it has changed so very much in so very many other ways. But this particular one - not even a sign of any improvement here. Standards and everything aside, it really is a problem just meeting older people.

Of course there are so much more productive things I could be doing right now instead of going on about this on my blog. Like focusing on solutions instead of problems. Or simply going to bed, now that I noticed what time it is. I think I'm going to do that last one now.

Muutused

Ma just avastasin, et ma naudin jazz'i kuulamist. See ei tekita minus jätkuvalt praktiliselt üldse emotsioone, kuid mingisugusel meelelis-intellektuaalsel tasandil reageerin ma sellele kahtlaselt positiivselt. Mis iseenesest on tore, sest minu muusikalisel silmaringil on selle võrra võimalik jälle avarduda.

Silmaringi avardamine on muidugi üldse väga aktuaalne teema praegu. Kuidas, kui sügavalt, mis suunas jne. Loomu poolest lähen pigem laiuti kui sügavuti, pillun end vahest liigagi laiali. Samas avastan endas üha enam eelarvamusi ja vastumeelsust uue proovimise suhtes. Pidevalt tõuseb üles küsimus, kas keskenduda pigem enda tugevate või nõrkade külgede arendamisele. Kas vajalikum on jõuda meisterlikkuse või terviklikkuseni? Mu ümber on nii palju inimesi, kes juba sellises vanuses mingis oma valdkonnas silma paistavad, mõni praktiliselt eksperdi tasemel. Päris taoliseks ei saa ma vist kunagi. Tahaks nii laiuti kui sügavuti minna, kuid paraku tuleb laiuti minek vist mõnevõrra loomulikumalt.

Seega minna enda seatud piiride ületamise teed? Aga kes/mis olen siis mina, kui mul enam piire ei ole?

Kas keskenduda elu sümfoonia või enda sees peituva viisi avastamisele? Tegelikult tahaks ju mõlemat, aga kardan, et valides ühe, kaotan teise.

Tegelikult oma küsimuste üle mõeldes tekib mul praegu küsimus, et - JÄLLE? Nagu, ma JUST sain üle mingist suuremast eksistentsiaalsest segadusest, mis tulenes "uute maailma ja enda omaduste" avastamisest ning ajutiselt oma harjumuspärasest mina- ja maailmapildist eemaldumisest. Ma tahan JUBA JÄLLE uuele ringile minna?

Nojah, mis siis ikka. Kui ma kogu sellest segapudrust elusalt ja terve mõistusega välja tulen, siis see ilmselt tegelikult rikastab, mitte ei kaota mu isiksust. KUI ma sellest välja tulen muidugi...

Vähemalt ma vist tean nüüd, mida ma tahan põhimõtteliselt. Meisterlikkust ja terviklikkust. Ehk siis... meisterlikkust elus... või midagi sellist. Jah, ma tean, näis, kuidas ma selle ära teen. Aga hei, ma ei pea ju selleni kohe jõudma. Muidugi on suht frustreeriv mõelda, kuidas nii paljud inimesed minu ümber on minust nii paljus ees. Vähe sellest, et nad ees on, nad liiguvad pidevalt eest ära ka. Kui on nii, et neil on oma valdkond ja minul oma, kus särada, siis on veel enam-vähem. Aga kui ma olengi selline... natuke midagi igal pool... siis mida minul üldse pakkuda on?

Nojah, edu kultus. Miks üldse tegeleda millegagi, milles tõenäoliselt lootustki pole keskmisest üle hüpata - milles keskmiseni jõudminegi hea tulemus oleks...

Ah, midaiganes. Niikuinii tegelen ma ilmselt veel mõnda aega enda laialiaotamise, piiride ületamise ja uutmoodi jaotunud tükkide kokkukorjamisega. Ja mulle vähemalt meeldib uskuda, et sellel kõigel on mingi üldisem mõte ka.

Sõbrad. :) Mul on hea meel, et te mu maailmas olemas olete.

Lihtsalt natuke midagi

Uus aasta on kahtlemata alanud väga mitmekesiselt. Viimase mõne päeva jooksul on loodud hulgaliselt uusi tutvusi ja värskendatud vanu. Mõeldud enda elu üle järele. Otsitud lahendusi. Hakatud ise selleks, kes lahendusteni jõuda aitab - lahendus.net'i kaudu siis täpsemalt. Magatud. Üleval oldud. Tehtud nii palju. Tehtud nii vähe.

:)

Vanale tagasi vaadates

Pean tõdema, et möödunud aasta tõepoolest kulges enam-vähem täpselt kahekuuliste perioodidena. Alguses pühendumine ja saavutamine. Siis otsimine ja igatsus. Siis põnevus ja pilves olemine. Siis veel otsimist koos pühendumise ja selgema sihiga. Siis teostamine ja aktiivsus koos vaikselt kasvava pettumuse ja segadusega. Siis pettumuse ja segaduse võimutsemine koos stressi, kurnatuse ja kõige muu "toredaga". Nüüd jälle puhkus ja lootusrikas pilk tuleviku suunas... näis, kui kauaks. :-) Enam-vähem kõiges, mis mulle praegu pähe tuleb, tundub mulle, et olen poole aastast olnud rohkem ühte- ja teise poole rohkem teistpidi. Põhiliselt siis kahekuuliste faasidena (selles osas mõne erandiga küll). What can I say, kardetavasti need kahekuulised faasid on midagi, millega te lihtsalt elama peate. :-P

Tahaks loota, et selle kõige kaudu on ka piisavalt arenetud... igal juhul kogemusi on esinenud värvikaid, mitmekesiseid, seinast seina. Nii välis- kui siseelu osas.

Tegelt ma arvan, et mul on hetkel algava faasi jaoks üks põhiteemasid juba olemas ka. Aga seda ma jagan teiega... millalgi hiljem võib-olla. 0:-)

2009

So here it starts again.

Or rather goes on, as the flow of time is continuous and it is only us that see beginnings and endings in it. (Perhaps it is only us that see it flow as well?)

In any case, it's been a wonderful end of the old and beginning of the new year. Looking back on the past 12 months, I've experienced many extremes of emotion and thinking. I've done great in some ways, not so great in others... but always trying to learn what I can from everything. To keep trying my best is my new year's resolution, too. I don't know what the future brings. I'd like to think it brings opportunities for growth and experiencing life to the fullest. Challenges that I can overcome and develop into a better person through. I don't know if I will always do the right thing or if what's ahead is a lot of nice things or difficulties or whatever. I do know I'll keep going and doing what I can to continue growing and evolving. Perfection is far away... I guess that just means there's plenty for me to do around here still. :)

And the people around me... friends... it's wonderful to know they exist. That they will continue existing in this new year. And even just people I know... I hope my social circle continues to expand. It's fascinating to meet someone new. Overall, I've been learning so much from my interactions with those around me. Yet I could be learning so much more. I've not been always open to the possibilities, through some prejudices and old habits in communication. And there's the eternal dilemma of whether to focus on what's going on around or within me... I've been suggested some ideas on how to work with it though. To have both and more, perhaps. I do have so very much to learn in the field of human interaction. But I think - I hope - I'll learn quickly once I've figured out my priorities. In any case, I'm planning to do my best.

Those of you who have followed me this far, thank you for accompanying me on my journey of life. It's been an amazing experience with much to be thankful for... and hopefully even more amazing things ahead. I am happy to know you are around me to share in this. Thank you, and I hope you have a fantastic year ahead of you. :)