Belonging

I am surrounded by people. People that illuminate my life, that are dear to me, important to me. Close. Yet in a way I am alone, different from them and to consider this difference unimportant or non-existent would be to deny... well... too much of what is important to me. The traditional categories of what connects people, what creates a feeling of belongingness do not feel as important and impressive to me as they as they do to many others. And yet I need it, too. In a different way. A way that I know exists... to people of the kind I know exist... but of whom very few if any are currently part of my life. And that's not something I could probably change very easily. Even if I could find them, get in touch with them, I am far from sure they'd be interested in getting in touch with me.

Or, then again, maybe that's just the very kind of thinking stopping me from finding what I seek.

Right now, of course, I barely have time for anything outside of university things, so that goes for seeking things as well.

But there's only so much that actual active seeking could do in this case. I think for it to be right, it'd have to be natural finding that sort of happens... And I think it should happen naturally when it's the right time if I'm the right type of person. I don't know if I am. But seeing how I want this... it would seem too cruel if I wasn't. Desire can't be that incongruous with one's nature. I would say that when somebody's passionate about music, s/he is usually musically gifted, too... but I once knew a girl who so very much wanted to learn to play the piano but all her hard work and desire to learn did not make up for the fact that she lacked any ability whatsoever needed for it. I can only imagine how painful it must be to be incapable of doing or being something so important and valuable to one. And I can only hope that it is a pain that at least with this one thing I would not have to experience.