Room

They say it takes a person of infinite patience and persistence to get a single room in the dorms around here. Apparently I am such a person.

It will be mine in 30 days. Yay!

Spring!

...and a week after the breaking point of passivity and low energy, I am ALIVE! Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually alive... moving, doing, enjoying, and so happy I can live this :)

Dopamine, my faithful friend

Whee, rush of hormones! I am so high, so exhilarated and overflowing, I feel like jumping around and smiling at the world, I am happy, happy I tell you!

And yes, I know, it's just a moment's feeling. But life is just a lot of moments put together. And it is wonderful to have moments like this. Even if they are me being up at 3:30 am, sitting in my dorm room writing in my blog. I know that tomorrow I will do the things I need to do with joy, because a world where I can know him is a world deserving that.

And yes, I know you will all get the wrong impression from that last sentence. Even though the symptoms are the same, it's not about romance, at least not by the normal definition.

Hopefully it's about something so much more. :)

But right now, I don't know. And it doesn't really matter. What matters is the moment. And moments like this make life worth living. :)

Hmm

Mialeel oli omamoodi õigus :D

To think

For so long I've wanted to get back in touch with that Danish guy again. But even though I might not be able to find him again... there are other people who live that something that's attracted me so much. At least one other person that I know.

:)

OK, so I'm just going over and over the same things. In the end what I seek is the same, regardless of what name I give it.

"Master of Life", huh. Why am I even surprised to understand what that really meant for me. It might've come from a different point of focus, but the essence is the same. I just come back and back to it, regardless of what I think "it" is at any given point in time.

I don't know. I'm so scattered, so confused a lot of the time. And yet there's this instinctive drive towards something that just keeps surfacing again and again. As though I was born for it. In spite of everything.

Relationships

I talked recently with a friend about how I have less and less interest in any kind of romantic relationships and things like that. Not to mention anything that goes on from there. Couples, families etc are not all that attractive for me.

But god how I long for a family in a different meaning of the word. Closeness and connectedness on a whole other dimension. I'm still not even sure what exactly that dimension is, how to put it into words, but I know it exists for me.

I wonder if there is anywhere at all in the world where it could happen with the people that surround me in real life.

.......no, that was kind of wrong really, wasn't it. There ARE people I feel connected with, deeply connected with. I'm just feeling unsettled right now somehow.

Lost and confused. Again? What is this, some habit I'm falling into?

I wish I knew if He exists. Yes, that's it. I wish I could find someone who could tell me. Tell me how to find Him maybe.

Myrddin Emrys.

Really

From now on I'll just make it a principle to not drink things containing caffeine within 8 hours of going to sleep.

Or, wait, I already had that principle. And now I remember why.

Caffeine high

OK, so I had 2 cups of black tea in the evening with a friend. What could possibly be the harm?

Well, it's past 2:30 am, and I quite literally want to jump around. Now I obviously haven't been going around developing tolerance to caffeine... but this is kind of weird already?

I guess going to bed (relatively) early tonight isn't going to work out...

Night thoughts

Wow, I've managed to barely write anything at all here this month. I don't even know why. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about. It's not even about not having the time. I was feeling terribly overwhelmed by university things I had to do for a while, yes, but it was probably more of a subjective perception than an objective fact. I'm not really sure what exactly I've been doing for the past month, other than panicking about not having the time and energy to do everything I should be doing, and getting sick again and again and again. At least it's now officially spring, and hopefully the longer days and warmer weather will begin to revive me a little.

Right now is one of those "wonderful" moments when I don't really have a clue where I'm going or what I'm doing or what I should be doing. I've been spending a lot of my time on rather pointless things recently. I think it's kind of ironic that this would be the case at a time when I've been so worried about accomplishing everything I need to do and find time to actually enjoy life as well. I think I'm starting to see the value of having some kind of a time plan with things...

It's funny how I've always seen myself as a night person - and yet I see more and more just how much I really need the Sun, the daytime, summer. As much as I love the mystery of a November night or seeing eternity reflected from the icy cover of the winter sea... the cold and dark makes me weak and weary.

Maybe I should just accept being both a Sun and a Moon person. Actually even my names reflect that, my birth one being that of the Moon Goddess, and the one I've come to use everywhere on the net a self-created one that for me sounds/feels like golden sunrays. It's actually quite funny how I've been using what I myself consciously chose to be a Sun name for years without considering myself to have anything to do with it for real. And it's also funny how I only recently found out for myself the connection between healing and the Sun. Even though that name I chose had it all together in it years ago.

In the end we all have everything within us anyway. I've been the misfit and the social butterfly, confused and determined, euphoric and miserable. I can identify with the qualities of the Sun and the Moon... and all the rest of the planets, too, now that we come to it. I've even discovered some of my Martian side, though that one's still kind of a challenge. The one thing I don't see myself discovering is my "morning person" side. :-P

...which reminds me that once again I've managed to stay up till 4 am, looking at the time... and as for once I'm actually feeling sleepy, I might as well at least try to get myself to shift to somewhat more reasonable sleeping times. Not really sure how to feel about 4 am being "relatively reasonable" already...

*

The art of the flame is the art of alchemy, yet does the alchemist hear the screams of the dross metals he burns? - The Zelator

...

Üldiselt ma seksistlikke vaateid ei poolda... aga mõnede asjade peale tekib tahtmine mingi kõrgema instantsi käest ahastuses küsida, miks mehed on kas tõprad või värdjad. Ei, mitte kõik mehed muidugi. Minu tutvusringkonnas kindlasti mitte. Aga paraku on minu tutvusringkond ilmselt pigem erand kui reegel. Ja - vabandust, kui nüüd keegi ennast sealt ära tundma peaks - aga tõpraid ja värdjaid jätkub seal ka.

Ja miks põrgu pärast satuvad mõned inimesed regulaarselt just selliste kätte?

So true...

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