Hope and despair. With so many ways open to me, how do I know which one to take? Up until this point there wasn't really much of a question about what to do next. Now for the first time it's really up to me. How do I know what to choose? How do I make the choice I regret the least in the years to come? Which is an interesting way to phrase it really when I think about it... worrying about what I might regret the most in the years to come? My mum would probably say it's the right way of thinking about it. I'm not sure what I'd say myself. I don't want to fail in life like my parents. But I also don't want to live "successfully" only to discover in my older years that I've never really Lived at all.
The question is also what Living means to me. In the end, it all depends on the perception of the person... you can have the most exciting life and feel it's not really fulfilling, or you can do nothing special at all and still experience each moment as something new and beautiful. Right now I'm SO disappointed in the whole academic sphere of things. The question is, am I disappointed in it because it's not really for me after all... or am I only disappointed in this particular university, these particular conditions? Or maybe it's both: it's not quite "it" for me - though could be tolerably suitable - but it is the way things are in Tartu that makes the prospect seem entirely unacceptable.
Maybe I should take a chance for once in my life and do something other than the obviously "right and safe" thing.