Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Beginnings and endings

Sometimes you know some things are temporary... but you still want them to last. You think, maybe there's some way after all. Who knows what will happen in life? You're not really sure what outcome you should be hoping for, but in the end, the various options are still open to you. You don't really expect to know for sure. And when you finally do, it's... strange. Even if it is something still in quite a distant future.

Even when you want to believe a beautiful lie, you need to face up to the truth at some point. To the truth that what you seek for is not to be found where you are. At least not until you've been to elsewhere, searching for it. Not that I even know what I'm searching for these days. Is there even anything to search? Or is it all meaningless chaos? Am I only fooling myself with my thoughts of a quest for the Holy Grail? Is there any purpose to my life other than life itself? And yet - if I knew my place in the world, knew which cog in the wheel I was, would that really make me happy?

I'm not who I was two years ago, one year ago... even half a year ago. The goals and ideals I had then are obsolete now. I thought I had my path laid out in front of me... well, to some point I did. But from that point onwards it's totally obscure. It was then and it still is now. But that point is much closer now, and approaching with every moment.

I'm not even sure I want to continue with my studies much longer. I'll probably get a Master's degree in something, but I'm not so sure I want to go for the Ph.D... I mean, what's the point? To do science? I thought so, but I'm not at all sure that's my thing any more. I'm very disappointed in university and the academic life in general. Life in itself seems more interesting - but do I have what it takes to succeed there, outside of the safe world of papers and grades? Do I have what it takes to succeed anywhere, when it's so hard to just get myself out of bed in the mornings? When I've lost faith in some things I valued so very much? Though become more open to some other things... My mum believes the path to greatness is straight and narrow. I'm not sure where my path is going... it's not straight and it's definitely not narrow. Right now I can't see its edges at all. Am I on the right track at all? Maybe all this wandering around, trying out new things is only getting me more lost? Maybe I should just stay with what I know? But then again, that doesn't seem right, either...

I thought there was a brother/sisterhood waiting for me out there somewhere. Thought there was a quest. A special self I needed to discover. A "right" place for me to be, the "right" things for me to do, the "right" people to be there and do them with. What if there's none of them? Maybe I will regret the choices I've made and will make more of... to surrender the familiar to go forth into the unknown. But maybe I will regret it much more if I don't even try.

So maybe it is OK that there are endings to beginnings. Maybe it's OK that I don't know where to go on from here. I just have to wonder... will it always be either loss or disappointment? Will I outgrow every dream I have? What is the point of living in a world where dreams are only a temporary escape from reality?

Maybe it is up to me to make my dreams be something more. "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Perhaps if I live my dream from the inside out, I will light the way of both myself and others around me. If there are no ideals in the world, no Holy Grail, it doesn't mean I can't aspire towards them on a quest. I don't know how many others need it, how many others care. But I can learn about the world... and give my gift to those for whom it matters. In whatever form that may come to be. Can I give a sense hope to a world with no hope? Meaning and purpose to one without any? Bring a light of spirit to the darkness? Give them a taste of the divine? The Sun and the Moon and the stars, the sky and the sea... blue-green and silver... Realms of gods and angels. If I can only remember to remember that.


Melarish said...

Familiar feelings. I get like that every now and then, feeling that even if there's a chance I might do something great for science, it'd require a lot of dedication but I also want a life...and I'm not so sure how to "live". It's easier when you have a person to give you a purpose..someone who you want to be with and with whom it's always great no matter how pointless life in general may seem ^^

I should visit Tartu more often. Now that there's no more olympiads to bring me there, I'm not sure if I'll do so before 1st May when the student corporations of Tallinn all go partying there :)

Andeora said...

I think one of my problems is that I realised another human can't really give me that. At least not at this stage of my life. There are quite a few great people around me, and one special one... but while it is a necessity for me that they exist, they in themselves do not give my life a meaning or purpose, no matter how important they may be for me. I guess I seek the transcendental no matter what else I may do.

anu said...

Naeratan ja mõtlen,et sõnad on siinkohal ülearused. Empaatia.

German said...

@Andeora - I believe that what you said in the last paragraph summarises the ideal and the True nature of existence of every individual. This is what should aspire - and anything that we do, we believe in, we learn, we continue to believe and change and if anyone likes it - they will learn from you, from what you believe. The rest will not matter. "Be the change you wish to see in the world", and if the world sees it, then it will propagate. If there are people who are good "viruses", it will spread. Enjoy the game ;)