Gerda & Gerly

We got together today and talked for 3 hours in a row... I think we only stopped for a couple of moments and for the most inevitable reasons. Our conversations seem to just go on and on without running out of thoughts or energy... not just not running out, but the amount of both keeps constantly increasing. Of course, we don't get a chance to talk like this very often. And I have known them for 13 years now. So that definitely explains some of it. Maybe even a lot of it. It's interesting how I used to want them to be people I could discuss certain things with when I was younger. And now they are such people. Well, not perhaps in the way I imagined back then, but... yes... there's a really special connection that only now seems to really show itself.

But there are also things to ponder in relation to other people and communication as well. Why is it that the fount of interest and energy never seems to dry up with these two, while it can so easily do so with other people? What does it take for there to be such flow, other than either novelty or a decade long friendship? By the way, really, when you first meet someone, there generally tends to be a period of really fascinating communication - not with everyone definitely, but with some -, but then that somehow dissipates somewhere and in the end you're either silent half the time or talking aimlessly about pointless superficial things. Not that the silence option would necessarily be bad... or actually not that either of the options would be bad... but, you know, if there can be such wonderful exhilarating energizing transformational conversations, if there can be such flow and connecting and a sharing of feelings and experiences and ideas and beliefs... why should you want to settle for anything less?

And I think I know part of the reason why it's not as easy with the others. Or rather I should say why it's so easy with Gerda and Gerly. Especially Gerly. It's because at various points in our friendship, I made some (at that time) quite radical attempts to relate to her on a deeper level. And from one moment, the interest in that level was mutual. And the value of what developed from there was high enough for both of us for the relationship between us to retain an awareness of it even during the 2-3 years when we barely ever interacted at all.

Of course there are factors that are unique and could rarely if ever at all be reproduced with any degree of similarity. And that's probably a good thing. I do feel more and more that these are meant to be two very special relationships in my life. But I think I was more willing to actually make an effort to have a relationship (in the wider meaning of the word) with another person live and grow and gain in meaning. I was more willing to give of myself in certain ways, to be open and outspoken... There are times when it's not only good but absolutely necessary to just be quiet and listen to the other person. But I think - with certain exceptions, naturally - in a good conversation listening and talking needs to be balanced. I've been hearing a lot about how it is necessary to listen to the other in a conversation, and that is natural and makes sense. But I've occasionally gone too far with the idea, I've taken this passive position that doesn't really contribute all that much. Aurea mediocritas... well, one must try at least.

So I'll need to look into how I interact with people and if anything could be changed for the better. Though there seem to be enough changes going on and in the air as it is, so who knows how it's all going to be like in Tartu. And every person is different. It's not about every relationship being like that with Gerly or with Gerda. It's about relationships being all they can be with any given person, taking into consideration the peculiarities of character and situation. And what matters isn't really the quantity of communication, but the quality. So even though I'm not likely to spend much time talking about things privately with any one person during the coming semester, the main thing is to make the most of the time I do spend together with someone.

Wow, that was a lot of writing here just now. Well, if anyone actually still visits this blog, I suppose it's a nice change from all that silence that's been resident here recently.

Demian

Now that I have the book in Esperanto, I've started to re-read it. Hesse is the one fiction author whose books are worthy of re-reading. A thousand times. But that's not really what I wanted to say. I suppose what I really want to say can't be expressed with words. Except perhaps through hints... Dark blue. Lacrimas Profundere. Something I felt so powerfully two years ago and tried so hard to overcome through Kierkegaard. No, that's not right, either, what I felt two years ago has nothing to do with what I feel now. The world of Hesse's books, at least the books I love most... the world and the people. A part of me believes something like that can exist. Something so deep. So genuine. With the border between everyday reality and visions of dreamworld so thin indeed. Mystical. Magical. Archetypal. So utterly different. Something like what I imagined when I was younger. These days, the world and the people around me are wonderful... but everything fits into the frames of the mundane. Going beyond that would be nice.

Of course I have SO much work in the mundane world alone for now. I just had to say something here.

Minu isa

Minu isa on vana võlur - jah, koos teravatipulise kübara ja pika halli habemega, nagu neid sageli piltide peal kujutatakse. Ta elab väikeses puidust ehitatud tornis põldude ja laante vahel. Tornis on tal igasugu riistapuid ja ülevalt saab öösiti tähti vaadata. Katusel on luuk, mida saab seestpoolt lahti teha ja sealt taevast näha. Kui valgus põleb, on katuse all väga hubane, justkui istuksid mõnes puutüves või hiireurus. Aga pimeduses võiks peaaegu ära unustada, et sul üldse seinad ümber on. Mu isa armastab tähti ja mina ka.

Minu isa leab kaugel linnadest ja nende saginast, kuid inimesed tulevad ise tema juurde. Mõni tuleb abi paluma, teine katuselt taevast uurima, kolmas lihtsalt võluri eluaset imetlema. Kõik külalised kutsub ta sisse, pakub neile teed ja juhatab nad selleni, mida nad vajavad. Vahel lennutab ta laste meeleheaks toas ringi tulekerasid või tekitab sädemete ja suitsu seest neile ilusaid kingitusi. Ka loomadega räägib ta ning sageli tulevad linnud tema õlgade peale istuma, hundid ja metskitsed aga lasevad tal endale pai teha. Mu isa armastab kõike elavat ja mina ka.

Minu isa õpetab mulle paljusid asju. Vahel käime koos metsast haruldasi ravimtaimi otsimas. Teinekord näitab ta mulle, kuidas vihma ja tuult manada. Tal on tornis päris suur raamatukogu ja sageli veedame seal koos tunde, uurides mõnda vana paksu köidet. Temaga koos pole kunagi igav, sest ta oskab kõigest midagi huvitavat jutustada. Minu isa on hästi tark ja kunagi olen mina ka.

Veab sellel minal.

My trip

I've been putting off writing about it as there is too much to say. But I suppose it's time I did it.

To start off with, the general facts:

16-18 July: Liverpool (arrived by plane from Riga, left by bus to Hull, from there by ship to Rotterdam)
19-26 July: Rotterdam; 93. Universala Kongreso (visited Amsterdam on 23. July by train)
27-30 July: London (arrived by ship to Harwich, from there by bus through Withan to London)
30 July: Oxford (arrived by bus from London, spent a few hours; from there on to Liverpool in the evening)
30 July-3 August: Liverpool (with a tour around the nearby smaller towns; back to Riga by plane)

Now that that's over with, I'll just write about whatever feels important right now...

England. I think for the first time in my life I understood what it means to love a land, not because it is expected of you or because you're at the song festival singing a patriotic song with 10000+ other people and overwhelmed by the experience, but because something inside you really feels it. For the first time I felt I loved the Earth element as well, not because it is something I once again should do, because it's useful etc, but because being there, having roots seemed like a good thing. It was a place I felt I wanted to have my roots in. I felt the strongest resonance with the local nature, which there was unfortunately very little of. But what there was felt just right. England in general felt just right. I'd been afraid that if I went there in reality, I'd be disappointed as it wouldn't match up to my expectations. But I wasn't. There wasn't much in the way of a sudden and powerful illumination, but in some more subtle ways the confidence in the reality of the connection reached me.

For as long as I can remember, my father has talked about me going to Oxford. In recent years it's become a sort of joke matter between me and my mum and some people I've mentioned it to. Suddenly, it's no longer a funny strange impossible thought. By the end of my first day in London, even before actually going to the place, I knew I'd start looking into ways to make that thought a reality. And the actual visit there. Well. I'm not sure if I should even write about it here. But I saw and experienced something that made me certain I would go back there again. The longer the time period and the closer to the place of the experience, the better.

You know, I actually feel like I've now already stated the most important. At least as much of it as I am willing to write down somewhere other people can read it. I still have much to learn here, more perhaps than I thought, more than I would certainly be aware of even now. To understand the connections of my blood and birth. But it seems inevitable that eventually my soul will take me back there. To explore connections of an entirely different kind.