Inimesed ilusad ja head

3 kuud Tartus. 3 parimat kuud minu elus. Kuud, mille märksõnadeks on olnud sõprus, vabadus ja rõõm. Kus aeg võiks määramatult venida, sest pole ootust ega igatsust millegi kättesaamatu parema järele. Praegu ongi see parem. Aeg, kus ma võin Goblini või Mialee juukseid sasida ja neil pole selle vastu midagi. Kus ma võin Dani ja teistega Urus ööbida ning tunda ennast mingil kummalisel viisil eriliselt koduselt. Kus ma võin Taliesiniga mööda surnuaedu jalutada ja rääkida - Rääkida. Aeg, kus on Vares.

Ma ei tea, mis sellest kõigest edasi saab. Kas midagi nii head võib püsima jääda. Tahaks loota, et võib. Praegu on tunne, et polegi kunagi midagi muud olnud. Et praegune on ainuke, mis päris. Kuigi mõtlema hakates on just praeguse reaalsus kõige raskemini usutav. See on lihtsalt sedavõrd erinev kõigest senikogetust. Aga kui ma kord juba siia jõudnud olen, siis ei saa see kõik ju enam olematuks muutuda... Isegi kui kõik kaduma peaks, jääks vähemalt mälestus. Kuigi ma ei tea, kui palju kasu on mälestustest. Kas sellest piisaks, kui ma teaksin, et kunagi olen ma õnnelik olnud. Julge ja vaba ja õnnelik.

Miks ma seda niivõrd rõhutan? Sest kui ei rõhutaks, läheks see aeg pooleldi raisku... ja see on selleks liiga vähene ja väärtuslik.

It's snowing outside

Lately I've been more honest with people than normal. Gone beyond the borders of what is definitely acceptable. Not that I usually lie to people. But I've said some things I didn't expect myself to say to anyone. I hope it's not something I'd have to regret in the future.

Listening to a song right now that reminds me of Jari. We've practically not talked at all for ages. I don't have a clue how he's doing these days, what's going on in his life. I hope it's great for him there in Pärnu. Knowing him has been a gift I probably still fail to appreciate fully. It's given me an idea of the ideal I want to strive towards. It's given me an experience of something so very deep and important on a very human level. Taught me so much... about that which is too sacred to be named. I met up with Curunir the day before yesterday and we talked about selfishness, corruptedness and intrigues (among other things). About how easy it is to just start going about manipulating with people, thinking about nothing else besides your own fun and pleasure. I hope the things I've learned this year will stay with me and I will stay true to my ideals. And I really hope I've been able to give Jari something good, too. It would just be so wrong for it to be one-sided this way round.

Oh well. It's just some bittersweet memories. Disturbing and beautiful in a strange way. Maybe it's for the best. The way it was. That it's quite certainly in the past now. I'm happy where I am. I've found the bunch of people that make me feel good. I'm free. Jari... I don't know. I guess I'm the one who's been avoiding going to Pärnu as much as possible. But I doubt it'd make much difference if I went there every weekend. I guess I knew from the beginning we had limited time to learn what there was to learn from each other. That Tartu would be a new life for me. And giving up the chance of that would be too much of a sacrifice, and a useless one at that.


Just curious. Does anyone know anybody who's intelligent and had a happy childhood? Or does that, like, just not happen?

Raamatud

Taas kord Taliesini eeskujul. Masendav 15/106. Njah, to-read list aina pikeneb... vähemalt ei ole Taliesin selle nimekirja järgi minust siiski NII palju ees.




Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi: A Novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: the Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian: A Novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault’s Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible: A Novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes: A Memoir
The God of Small Things
A People’s History of the United States: 1492-Present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake: A Novel
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood: A True Account of a Multiple Murder and its Consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

Elu on kummaline

Kummaliselt keeruline. Ja kummaliselt hea. Mõnikord mõlemat korraga samadel põhjustel.

Ma ei taha inimestele haiget teha. Aga vahel on see vist paratamatu, varem või hiljem. Ja mõnikord on varem see ainuke õige lahendus.

Unine suvepärastlõuna, ma sõidan bussis Tartu suunas ja kuulan ühte lugu, mis mõjub nagu unistus mingisugusest teisest elust. Võimalik, et selline maailm selliste inimestega eksisteerib ainult minu mõistuses. Mingi edasiarendus kunagistest kujutlustest. Kuidas küll oleks elada, Elada, olla üks selle maheda hoovusega, mis päikesest küllastunud maastikus nii tuntav on?
Ma olen sellele maailmale nii lähedal, nii lähedal...
On keegi veel, kes sellele nii lähedal on.
Nii lihtne, nii ilus, nii õige.
Kuidas saab küll miski nii õigena tunduda.

Life is amazing

I'm not really sure what more to say. Just had to say something.



Vares.


Yes, that is enough.

Taliesin

ja tema blogis olev loetud raamatute nimekiri on mulle jätnud sedavõrd kustumatu mulje, et ma otsustasin nüüd ise ka midagi taolist pidama hakata. Esialgne tunne on, et olen ikka masendavalt vähe lugenud viimasel ajal... kuigi kui aus olla, siis asjaolud, mis selle tinginud on, mind just eriti kurvaks ei tee. Ega kõik ei saagi olla nagu Taliesin :-) Et miski saaks eriline olla, peab seda olema vähe. Väärismetalle peetaksegi sellepärast väärtuslikeks, et neid raske leida...

Butterflies and dreams

In my tonight's dream I saw that Heinrich and Mialee were together. Mialee was going to die soon and Heinrich said that he'd die with her. That made me really sad. I met up with Goblin and Dani, and Goblin told me how there's no point in being sad over people's death, because it happens with everyone eventually. Or something like that. I don't remember exactly what he said. I do remember it didn't make me feel any better. Then at some point I looked out of a window and saw big beautiful butterflies mating. Together in pairs, their wings resembled the shape of hearts.

I think the dream has a message. Only I'm not sure what it is.

LARP

Got my first experience with that today. It was awesome! Not the most classical thing, as far as I can understand, so I don't know how well I can make any generalizations based on this experience... but awesome. It was a theatre in some weird-named non-existing country, we had to perform "Don Juan" (the version with time travel :-P)... it turned out the performance was to actual people from the street, which spiced things up a bit. I was an actress - the only actress in the theatre, as it turned out... and I played Don Juan, the guys played the ladies, and a stool played my companion! So that was rather interesting. And fun. I do feel like I want to do something like this again. :-)

Armastada ja õnnelik olla

Mu süda on nagu pisike päike, mis kiirgab ümbrusesse soojust. Hetkel pole see ühelegi konkreetsele inimesele suunatud, pigem sütitatud üldisest rõõmu- ja heaolutundest. Elu ei saa ega peagi olema ideaalne... aga kuniks selles on väikeseid imelisi õnne- ja äratundmise hetki, võib see olla hea. Naljakas on tunda midagi taolist reaalselt oma elu osas. Üldise, pmst igapäevase elu, mitte mingite ebatavaliste suursündmuste osas. Ma ei tea, kui kaua mingi taoline kogemus kesta võib. Aga ma olen tänulik selle eest, et ta on. Tänulik kõigele ja kõigile, tänu millele ja kellele see võimalik on.

Pärnus

Siin on toredam, kui mõtlesin. Kuna mul õnnestus külmetada (milline üllatus tõepoolest), siis olen ma kodus arvuti taga istunud. Tegelikult kavatsesin igasugu asju teha, inimestega kokku saada jne. Aga raisku ei läinud see aeg sugugi. Mul õnnestus terve lehekülje võrra ühte vana juttu edasi kirjutada. Jah, ma suutsin kirjutada. Edasi ühte vana juttu. Terve lehekülje. Selliseid imesid võiks sagedamini juhtuda. Hmm. Ja mingite selliste asjadega, mida ma reaalselt kellelegi teisele lugeda anda võiksin. Vähemalt lootust on edaspidiseks.

Soe tunne tekib sees, kui mõelda sellele, et maailmas on tarku, ilusaid ja häid inimesi. Lihtsalt nii imeliselt hea ja õige. Ja üks linn siin riigis, kuhu nad koonduvad.