Lately I've been more honest with people than normal. Gone beyond the borders of what is definitely acceptable. Not that I usually lie to people. But I've said some things I didn't expect myself to say to anyone. I hope it's not something I'd have to regret in the future.
Listening to a song right now that reminds me of Jari. We've practically not talked at all for ages. I don't have a clue how he's doing these days, what's going on in his life. I hope it's great for him there in Pärnu. Knowing him has been a gift I probably still fail to appreciate fully. It's given me an idea of the ideal I want to strive towards. It's given me an experience of something so very deep and important on a very human level. Taught me so much... about that which is too sacred to be named. I met up with Curunir the day before yesterday and we talked about selfishness, corruptedness and intrigues (among other things). About how easy it is to just start going about manipulating with people, thinking about nothing else besides your own fun and pleasure. I hope the things I've learned this year will stay with me and I will stay true to my ideals. And I really hope I've been able to give Jari something good, too. It would just be so wrong for it to be one-sided this way round.
Oh well. It's just some bittersweet memories. Disturbing and beautiful in a strange way. Maybe it's for the best. The way it was. That it's quite certainly in the past now. I'm happy where I am. I've found the bunch of people that make me feel good. I'm free. Jari... I don't know. I guess I'm the one who's been avoiding going to Pärnu as much as possible. But I doubt it'd make much difference if I went there every weekend. I guess I knew from the beginning we had limited time to learn what there was to learn from each other. That Tartu would be a new life for me. And giving up the chance of that would be too much of a sacrifice, and a useless one at that.
Just curious. Does anyone know anybody who's intelligent and had a happy childhood? Or does that, like, just not happen?
kanaljee
4 years ago
3 comments:
You've moved on, i'm glad...
I'm just waving goodbye from behind... :P
...ironic, as it seems to me
I think I've had a happy childhood. It was only, say, two years ago that I started realizing I always wanted to be the centre of everything. I am still far too possessive.
And far too shame-prone as well. If only we could be so pure that we never had to be ashamed!
I have had some pretty deep talks as well in Middelburg, but I don't think I said anything I could regret saying.
P.S. I'm very glad that you feel so much accepted that you can talk freely. 'Speech is unfettered and gentle...'
The fact that this is my postscriptum is a nice illustration of self-centeredness, I guess. Please forgive me...
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