Öeldes ühe lausega

oli eilne õhtu ilmselt üks mu elu kummalisimaid.

Muidu veel seda, et ma avastasin enda jaoks keldi folkmuusika. Homme on kursuse teine tutvumispidu. Friedrich Nietzsche ees- ja perekonnanimes on kummaski 9 tähte. Tartus on harjumatult palju ilusaid inimesi. Ja mul on tunne, et tegelikult ma tahtsin siia midagi mõttekat kirjutada, aga ma ei mäleta enam, mis see oli...

...

Yes, it's despicable how I'm making something so trivial be so overly significant. But, dammit, why can't I just for once fall in love and be happy about it? Maybe I shouldn't even think about it, maybe, all things considered, it just isn't for me. I mean, it isn't, I don't want any of the things it's supposed to lead to. The reproductive stuff. It wouldn't be fair for anyone else to develop feelings for me only to confront all the obvious issues coming from there. And I'd be a true emotional masochist if I wanted to develop feelings for someone and not have them be mutual. I've... really had enough of that. I crave the feeling though. It might sound crazy, but it's such a high. The obsession, the awareness of every tiny detail about the other person, the emotions - the positive ones. Something so beautiful and overwhelming. Only it leaves you so very vulnerable till you know how the other person feels... and if there's nothing there on the other side, it's far from a pleasant experience. (So yeah, what else is new.) *sighs* So confusing. But... uh... I had a crush on an anime character in May. There must be something wrong somewhere.

Nagu ma aru saan...

...on Kuninga Tänava Põhikoolil krooniliselt "hea" sisekliima. Jah, kallid lapsevanemad, pange oma lapsed just sinna kooli, uskuge propagandat... selle osalus mitmesugustes huvitavates projektides mõjutab lihtsalt nii palju seal tegelikult valitsevat olukorda. (Või no, jumal teab, vahest mõjutabki. Ma vist ei taha teada, mida kujutavad endast sel juhul teised põhikoolid.) Ma loodan, et kõik said sarkasmist aru.

Unique like the stars

Recently I've had reason to think about people... how many of them there are, how much an individual matters in such a mass... how to feel about things like that. If you're just one of many, how can you really matter? But how could it be possible to live with the awareness of one's utter insignificance?

It's something I could write a lot more about, but as I've only got a few minutes to write this before I'm meeting up with a friend, I'll just say the feeling I got a short while ago, from personal experience. Namely, that even though I've got acquainted to a lot of people recently, been socially active to an unprecedented degree, and all, the fact that there are more people around me these days doesn't really make these people any less significant to me. Or, to be honest, I suppose to a degree it's inevitable that the significance wouldn't be quite exactly as big as in the case of a very few rare people being part of my social circle... but even so, the people I've met, the people I know, they're important to me. Even some I've known only for a short period of time. If any one of them were to die, I'd feel loss and sorrow... if any one of them needed help I could provide, I'd do my best to be of assistance... and even though I do not speak about individuals here, they are individual. My feelings for each of them are unique. Like good music, no two can ever be quite the same. And that just makes each of them the more valuable.

Even though this wasn't exactly an answer to the questions I posited in the beginning, it's something that at the moment I feel is relevant... to myself, and perhaps also to somebody else who happens to read this text.

On an even brighter note...

This weekend has been wonderful. I was (to my great surprise) invited to Taliesin's birthday party, and while I knew practically noone there, the people were so nice and the general atmosphere so cosy that I really enjoyed it. It took place in the countryside, and I went there together with Goblin (who, as it turned out, knew as little about where we were going as I did). We arrived a couple of hours earlier than the others, and somehow came to the idea of playing a trick on the other guests. Which basically involved me playing a Romanian witch girl in search of the Necronomicon (oh yes, I got the Necronomicon as a gift for Taliesin... as I heard they'd tried to summon Cthulhu on his last birthday, so I guess that will be one book put to good use :-P). I and Goblin had been hitchhiking when the driver started acting suspicious, and I hit him with my umbrella and ran away, in the end reaching Taliesin's place. While there, I exhibited a somewhat unhealthy interest towards the Necronomicon book, although as I had with me a piece of paper with a fragment of one of the book's texts in Runic writing (which I'd been able to copy from some old manuscript in a Romanian library, thanks to some friend working there, although the Necronomicon is a forbidden book in Romania), maybe the interest wasn't that strange. Well, it didn't really go much beyond that, we hadn't had much time to come up with it all. I hope the other guests weren't too upset at us after we revealed the truth! Any way, let's say it was a pretty good way of getting into the mood for a fun evening :-P Although we spent most of it talking about morbid topics, but that didn't mean a morbid mood.

So the birthday was great. Hopefully I'll be seeing the people again. I should probably go and try to rest/sleep/something now, as I'm pretty tired... yeah, I'll go and do that.

On a brighter note

I noticed that all my English blog posts lately have been pointless sob stories which in no way adequately depict the way life in Tartu is generally like. So I thought I'd write something more cheerful here for a change. I'm not sure what, because nothing stands out really (maybe Schopenhauer was right in that we only pay attention to the negative experiences in life, while feeling good usually means the lack of noticeable suffering and unpleasant feelings or sensations). Or well... hmm...

Being ill is not really such a good thing in itself, and I've been ill for the last half a week or so, but because I haven't been able to go out or do much anything at all, I've had the time to read, rest and reflect upon various things. Today I found myself looking out of the window in my room... just observing, perceiving, really taking in the various details of the view. Kind of a meditative state of being. I did that a lot in the summer, but these days I've always been so active and overwhelmed by all the novelty here that it's been a while since I felt anything like this. I'm glad I did today :)

Mental tranquillity is nice, but so is mental activity, and the debate club seems excellent for that. I didn't realise just how much my brain was craving for some action till last Monday when we the newbies got to do some intro exercises... even that brief and mild effort needed for them felt like something long-needed for the brain. Which in itself is probably not a good thing (showing that I've not been giving the old grey matter much work), but the debate club is definitely promising. I went to their meeting again yesterday despite still feeling relatively under the weather, and for a while, when I got to actively do stuff, I didn't even feel drowsy any more, it was just so good. They're having another meeting tomorrow, which will hopefully be even better. What's funny is that every time I've gone there so far, I've been afraid that the enjoyment and relative success I've experienced with debating so far has been illusory/a thing of the past/something else like that, that reality will be discouraging, and that I would see the reality at the meeting I was going to. And every time I've just enjoyed it more and more. Of course, it's still only the very beginning and all. But I hope it will continue being like this, being exciting and enjoyable and something that feels quite right for me. Sheesh, why did I never go to the debate club we had in our school? Well, I suppose better late than never... or, then again, maybe now is not late at all, but just right in timing :)

Anyway, this was something more positive.

Oh yes, did you know that a single dose of PCP can have weeks-long negative effects on the mind, including (but not limited to) increased aggressiveness, paranoid delusions and catatonic states? Just something I read from a biopsychology textbook :-P So, have a nice sunny day everyone! Midnight and pouring rain over here :-)

Well, all it took was one party...

...to prove once again that I'm socially illiterate. Or... I don't know what it is. One moment everything is great, and then it just... isn't. Everything is wrong. Everything is distant. People around are having fun, but for me they and that experience are like in a different world. I tried to get back into it... maybe I didn't try hard enough. States like that are hard to come out of, because one part of you doesn't really want to. It's easier to just stay like that, just find some way to drown the feeling in something. I did try though, at least I tried to make it look like nothing had changed. I guess I've learned a few things about showing a good face this summer. I at least hope I made use of the lessons. It's weird how even in Tartu you can feel cut off from everyone around you. Though I know it's not because of the place or because of the people... it's just me. It's like the very opposite of everything I've been feeling ever since I moved here. I know I better get back to it being the usual way by the time I wake up tomorrow. I can't afford being down at a time like this. A time when it is only up to me to make things as close to perfect as they can come in this place, at this time... in this world maybe. All the novelty, all the possibilities, all the people... yeah. It's kind of funny (or not so funny) to realise that while my social life is flourishing like never before, there really isn't anyone I feel all that close to any more. I'm not sure what I'm writing about any more. I might feel like I'm an idiot for doing this tomorrow, tonight I don't care. Maybe I just don't care about anything for a change.