Head mälestused

Umbes aasta tagasi istusin ma öisele bussile Madridist Malagasse, et sealt edasi minna Nerjasse külla ühele mu senise elu tähtsaimatest ja kallimatest inimestest. Varahommikul jõudis buss kohale, väljas oli esialgu veel pime ja sadas. Mõtlesin esimese poole päevast omaette linnas ringi jalutada ja siis edasi sõita. Bussijaamas kaarti ei olnud, nii et hakkasin lihtsalt liikuma. Lõpuks küsisin siis kelleltki, kus suunas kesklinn jääda võiks - tuli välja muidugi, et täpselt vastassuunas. Päike hakkas vaikselt tõusma juba, vahepeal käisid lühikesed vihmahood üle. Jalutasin mere vaateulatuses kesklinna suunas. Pildistasin vett ja vana purjelaeva, mis kai juures eksponaadina seisis. Sealt edasi katedraali ja muude ehitiste juurde. Põhiliselt aga niisama mööda tänavaid liikumine, kõige ümbritseva endasse haaramine.

Sellest pärastlõunast on eredalt meeles see absoluutse vabaduse tunne, mis mind valdas. Ma olen seal üksinda täiesti tundmatus kohas, kaartigi pole kaasas, ja ma lihtsalt lähen ja kõnnin kuhu iganes tahan, vaatan mida iganes tahan. Olen täiesti vaba kogema seda uut kohta minu enda viisil. Mäletan, et istusin mingi hetk ühte kohvikusse maha hommikust sööma. Taustaks mängis telekas mingi hispaaniakeelse muusika kanal. Sealt jäi mulle pähe kõlama Nelly Furtado "Manos Al Aire", mis sisult mitte kuidagi sellise iseseisvuse ja vabaduse emotsiooniga seotud pole... aga minu jaoks tuletab see meelde toda hommikupoolikut ja noid tundeid-mõtteid: maailm on mulle valla, ma olen vaba, ma saan kõigega hakkama.

Ilmselt mu Hispaanias-oleku ilusamaid hetki. :)

Muidugi nädalavahetus, mis sealt edasi läks, oli veel edasi üha tõusvas joones vägev. Aga sellest võib-olla mõni teine kord. Hetkel tahtsin just seda ühte emotsiooni edasi anda.

But coming to my own personal life...

maybe I wasn't that wrong after all. Maybe somewhere underneath all those layers of illusions and idealisation there is something genuine that's meant to stay after all. :)

Scorpio

I think the musical equivalent of it would be Diary of Dreams. The very darkest, very deepest part of who we are. Touching upon the central matters of existence, power(lessness), our very basic needs and fears... the essence of human nature, the nature of the connections we make with each other. Going beyond the superficial, the little distinctions and bits of information and everyday tasks. Going archetypal, it can never really be anything less than that. All our masks get stripped away in absolute darkness. Everything we consider to be ourselves, and yet at the same time we're more fully ourselves than ever, completely present. Not in a happy way. Just authentic. The way we're fully present and ourselves when we are facing something we fear. I think Whitley Strieber's "Communion" gives a pretty good feel of it. Tarot: Eight, Nine, and Ten of Swords.

Speaking of Diary of Dreams: here's an example of what I had in mind.

Bittersweet

Life in transition. Change is the only constant. I have good memories with people I once saw reflecting my ideals. Moments of inspiration. It's worth being thankful for. It's okay to move on. So what if my path isn't one that involves lifelong connections with childhood friends. I'm not about roots that way, the traditional way it works. Whatever my roots may be, I need to find them myself, make the connection as a discerning adult. I'm growing up and the things I used to consider absolute are not necessarily so any more. In the end, they may just be habits. Maybe my "bests" weren't that in any absolute way, they just happened to be the most oustanding ones in the context of my environment. Maybe the fact that I can see that context better now doesn't mean whatever comes new is worth less. Zen - seeing the world through the eyes of a child. The awe, the appreciation of what is so easy to take for granted. And being willing to put the necessary effort into it. Relationships of all kind are about time and attention and growing together. Forming a "we" beyond people's individual identities. Minds and hearts and story lines intertwined.

Five of Cups. Something lost, something remains. In the face of all my illusions going poof there is one old connection that's just growing stronger by the day. A beautiful friendship that I hope will last for long to come.

I am who I am and I do what I do as well as I can. I don't know if I'm right or wrong or rational or not. I just do my best, given the circumstances. I can only hope that's good enough.

Smile and the world smiles at you. Maybe it's time to learn that smiling is okay regardless of whether the world replies in kind or not.

So a smile to all you beautiful people. :)

melaniin

sinu silmade värv on nagu
tee mis on nii kaua
seisnud et seda juues jõuab
magama siis kui väljas juba
valgeks läheb

mu enda omad päris sellesse
kanguseklassi ei kuulu pigem
midagi värskelt vaaritatut
äkki paar minutit tõmmanud
ilmselt teist liiki puru ka

aga ikkagi sarnasemad kui
nendel suvetaeva ja merelaine
inimestel kes 58-ndal
laiuskraadil teevad meile
numbrites igati ära

nad vohavad nagu viburloomad
sogases lahesopis ja see on
tegelikult isegi hea sest nii
saame ka meie oma
dominantsete geenidega
vahelduseks erilised olla

science fiction

you chose yourself a name that
with its very essence brought the
thought of a brilliant star

traveling through space in your free
time watching worlds others have
created before you

electronics both uplifts and
imprisons you playing logic games for
work instead of sleeping

i still go to bed at night
dream up some cosmic
story lines myself

inception of a different kind
reality intermingled with wishful
thinking fantasies on a grandiose
scale including waterfalls and galaxies
and you

i wonder if you watch this too