LARP

Aitäh Alleriale ja Taliesinile! Te olete geniaalsed. :)

Learning, growing

Made a little shift in thinking today. Probably just a first step in a long long row of them, but it was a step, and a noticeable one at the time. If I manage to keep on going, then... well... if I manage to effect such changes in me, then there's hope for other things as well. :)

And I'm still feeling the flow.

:):):)

I just realised a wish of mine has come true. And while it's amazing to think about it, it actually seems kind of right at this point in time. Maybe I'm finally ready for it.

Still amazing though! I feel like I want to express that emotion so much, without going into the details. Just how excited and happy and thankful I am.

And to think how much has happened in a single week. To think that not so long ago I was feeling as though I didn't have the energy to do anything, and my life had kind of lost its meaning once again, and so on. To think how radically can things change in a short time. And yet, with this one thing, all I really needed was to realise the opportunity had long been there. I just needed the courage to go for it. Hopefully I'll also have the courage to go for what this should be the beginning of.

Well, I'm working on that one. :)

Exhausted

I don't get it. All I've done today is meet up with some people for a couple of hours. And I'm so exhausted I can barely get myself to think. Even writing here right now is an effort. And I have things I need to do yet tonight.

Goals

Let's just face it. I don't even know for sure what I want to be doing in the long term. And at age 20, that's totally normal and acceptable. I mean, I know the basic direction I want to be moving in - and that's probably more than quite a few of my friends can say about themselves. Maybe for now it's good to just accept that long-term perspectives are a bit too far in the future for me. That the only real path I will continuously keep walking is that of learning from life. Kind of comes with the whole deal of living really. :) Other than that, maybe I'm best going for reasonable, short-term goals. And rather than trying to change my personality into something that would conform with some idea of what it "should" be, it'd be less frustrating - and probably more productive - to work with what I've got and see what happens. The fact that people who share my interests sometimes seem to interest me more than said interests themselves used to seem like a problem. Now I think it might be just my way to approach things. Maybe I just need that human element. And maybe I can learn through that. Might be it's actually a kind of strength. For a future psychologist at least. :) Maybe if I accept the fact that I'm not likely to commit myself to anyone or anything for the long term any time soon in my personal life - and look at what I can do in days and weeks instead of years - I might actually move along further.

It's funny how some things my mum's tried to teach me for so long really have stayed with me. Values etc. I may have rebelled against them to some degree when they came directly from her... but apparently I accept them only too easily when they come from other sources. And while they make sense in general, the discrepancy between the "is" and the "ought" just ends up making me feel inadequate. Too inadequate, really. Makes me feel as though I had none of the qualities I "ought to" have at all. But that's not really true. I just need to find my own approach to them. Something more productive than the all-or-nothing one I've had regarding some standards that are likely near impossible to achieve any way.

People are just people

Been browsing through some forums and once again came to the realization that most of the people with lofty goals are just as fallible and limited as I am. That many of them are struggling with the same issues as myself... as perhaps many/most of us. It is something that is both discouraging and encouraging at the same time. On the one hand, it makes me wonder - where are the masters? Is mastery even attainable? But on the other hand, it also reminds me that it's natural that most people aspiring towards mastery have not attained it yet. Just because I seek perfection of a kind, that doesn't mean I have to be perfect here and now. It doesn't mean I have to know everything about the subjects that interest me... or be completely internally balanced... or even be able to get myself out of bed and doing productive stuff every day. Most others don't, either! I guess in the end I just need to find my own way.

Once again

Life is amazing. Somebody upstairs must like me. :)