Tuba ja teised

nad on köögis.
nad liiguvad ringi.
keegi peseb nõusid,
ma kuulen vee solinat
ja aeg-ajalt portselani kõlksatusi
vastu kraanikaussi.
keegi läks vist vannituppa,
uks tehti lahti
ja siis pandi jälle kinni.
või tuli ta sealt välja?
keegi on veel seal,
nad räägivad nõudepesijaga omavahel.

ma ei saa toast välja minna,
kuni nad seal on.
ma ei taha, et nad mind näeksid,
et neile meenuks,
et ma olemas olen.
ma tahaksin muutuda nähtamatuks
ja neist mööda lipsata,
teha oma toimetused ära
ilma nende pilgu alla sattumiseta.

keegi pani panni pliidile,
nüüd kostab juba üpris valju särinat.
vannitoa uks käis jälle lahti-kinni,
seejärel mingi teine uks.
kas nad kavatsevadki seal kogu päev
seista ja lobiseda?
keegi kolistab taldrikutega.
hääled liiguvad teise toa ukse poole,
uksest läbi ja ära.
kuulen ainult pliidile jäetud praepanni.

nüüd võib vist välja minna.

Tuba

tuba on soe.
toas on kõik eluks vajalik:
toitu ja jooki ja magamisase
ja seltsiline, kes teisel pool otsas
istub ja telekat vaatab.

telekast tulevad hääled:
mees ja naine vaidlevad,
naisel on teisega laps,
nad ei saa abielluda.
reklaamipaus. helistage nüüd,
saate tasuta teise komplekti veel.

teleka hääled on valjud.
pange palun telekas kinni,
mu kõrvad on valusad.

tuba on hall.
toast ei saa välja vaadata,
sest aknal on kardin ees.
kardin on ka hall ja seinad
ja lauad ja kapid on ka kõik
hallid.

tulge meie poodi,
see nädal on sooduspakkumine.
reklaam aina kestab.
mõttes taon kildudeks
teleka helendavat ekraani.
ekraan ei purune,
ta on tugevam,
ta on ammu harjunud.

tuba on soe.
toas on kõik eluks vajalik.

Writing for myself

I think the reason why I'm having such a hard time actually writing my ideas down is because I think too much about what somebody else might think of the quality of the writing. So I struggle with words to find the perfect ones and in the end the flow is blocked. The issue has actually come up quite a few times, but right now sort of becoming aware of it again. The reason why writing feels so hard is because I make it so hard for myself because I try to get it perfectly right the first time I put things on paper (or the screen or wherever). Of course I really dislike editing afterwards, but maybe it truly would be better if I got into the habit of just writing however it comes when it comes... and thinking about the best phrasing later, if I need to. Because if I have something already, it'll probably be that much easier to improve it later on when I feel like doing so at some point... but I don't get to the point of needing to improve things cause I don't have much to improve upon in the first place. And I'm the one blocking the flow. I want to write, I need to write, I need to express myself and put my ideas into words, but I make it so hard for myself that I end up thinking of it as a chore even at this level. Every now and then someone gives me a small push in the right direction, and I remember that I'm the one who needs this really, and for a short while I might even get myself to putting that into practice and write something, but then it ends again. Not that writing, especially writing well, wouldn't take time and concentration and effort, but, all things considered, I really should probably take it more easy, at least for now. This is one place where perfectionism really gets in the way for me.

***

Ta seisab.
Ta seisab kuristiku serval.
Ta seisab, noor neiu pikas valges kleidis.
Ta seisab ja kardab.
Ta seisab ja mõtleb.
Ta seisab ja ootab.
Ta seisab ja enam ei karda.
Ta seisab, kuni tuul puhub tast üle.
Ta seisab ja tuul puhub temast üle.
Ta seisab ja tuul haarab kaasa ta kleidi.
Ta seisab ja tuul lennutab õhus ta tumedaid juukseid.
Ta seisab ja tuul keerleb ta ümber ringi.
Ta seisab, siis astub.
Ta kukub.
Ta lendab.

Indigovereline

Mul on õnnestunud tutvust teha ühe kõige omapärasema, hämmastavama, segadusttekitavama, kahtlasema, suurepärasema inimesega.

Minu poolt kõik selleks korraks :)

Oh dear

Time to actually practise what I preach. Sheesh, that's never as easy as the preaching part! Especially when you're not sure which part of all that preaching you should be putting into practice. It's hard enough with figuring out what it's good (for me personally) to eat (which is a relatively mundane sphere of things with a lot of more-or-less credible general info easily available). But there are problems infinitely more complex. Even as far as figuring out whether they are problems in the first place is concerned. When something seems both obviously wrong and obviously right, how exactly do you weigh the sides, especially if your own views and feelings and values are somewhat conflicting regarding these very questions? If the problem is not as much the current situation as much as the potential butterfly effect? And you will probably have to make some sort of decision without having all the facts... or almost any facts... and not making one will probably be considered as some sort of a decision, too. And you don't even know how much weight any decision of yours might have at all.

So yeah. On the one hand, my life feels relatively less boring once again. On the other hand... it just has to become less boring right when I've decided to reach some reasonable degree of detachment from it. Though maybe that's exactly the point... or maybe the reverse of it is the point... or maybe I should just stop trying to achieve everything right now and completely and perfectly and for the long term. Long term changes tend to happen gradually.

Food for thought

So much that I'm not sure if I'll be able to digest it all properly.

Silence is golden.