Well, in memoriam

May the flow of life go on.

The beautiful current, beautiful green light bridging what could've been a gap. Ever-present. Smiling from the inside out. Where will I go without the mirror to my soul?

I guess I'll keep moving forward as I usually do. Ebb and flow, layers upon layers. Not an end to anything for real, just change. Just a chance to see what there has been.

Loss aversion

I thought I knew it. I thought it was natural. Intellectually natural. But emotionally it's not that easy. Even when I know it's the flow of life. Even when I'm the one who naturally goes along with it, connecting and letting go along with the current. Realising that the wise quiet voice of my life has moved on... it's not a complete loss, but I suppose until recently I didn't realise how much it meant to me. I'd forgotten that mastery, a path to mastery could be just being. Maybe I just didn't expect the moving apart to be so easy. And even though I know it to be not true, I keep thinking maybe it happened like this because I didn't appreciate it enough. Cause I'm not a quiet one. I can be when I need to be, but not in general. But I need to be in touch with the source for inspiration.

Right, time for sleep. Almost 7 am. I'm probably not making any sense anyway.

Inspiration

When you expect whistles, it's flutes
When you expect flutes, it's whistles

That old familiar tune reverberating through the air, waking me up as though it were already spring. Echoes of a previous spring coming alive in a 6-minute piece of music. In my room and its view of Annelinn, Tigutorn, the sky. Comments from people, right things at the right time. That feeling inside myself, as though I'm waking up once again.

And to be told by a friend that she already sees in me that which I dream to become.. there was something truly magical about that.

Ever watched Widget?

I think I just realised how much power for the good media can really have. I've been concerned about environmental issues since about the age of 6 and in fact in recent years I've kind of started to avoid information related to that because it affects me too much and there's generally little that I can do about it. But from that original concern has grown out a more general strong desire to make a positive difference in the world, to contribute in some way to a positive outcome for humanity as a whole, for the planet as a whole. I used to wonder where I got those ideas from originally. Then a few days ago we were talking with some friends about the cartoons we'd watched as children and today I made a list for myself of all the cartoons and movies and books I could recall that had had an impact on me in my early years. Some of the names I no longer remember, but there were several cartoons about environmental issues that I'd watched a lot. I wonder how many other children saw them. I wonder how many other children grew up wanting to make a difference.

Happy New Year!

This one is starting off well. The previous one ended well, too. Haven't written here much for a while, but life is good.

Also a time to say welcome to the Euro - may it bring us not poverty but prosperity.

:)

I still don't know where I'm going - but at least where I am now is starting to make sense to me. I can finally see it fitting into the general picture. In the right place at the right time. Maybe that's all I need to know for now.

Head mälestused

Umbes aasta tagasi istusin ma öisele bussile Madridist Malagasse, et sealt edasi minna Nerjasse külla ühele mu senise elu tähtsaimatest ja kallimatest inimestest. Varahommikul jõudis buss kohale, väljas oli esialgu veel pime ja sadas. Mõtlesin esimese poole päevast omaette linnas ringi jalutada ja siis edasi sõita. Bussijaamas kaarti ei olnud, nii et hakkasin lihtsalt liikuma. Lõpuks küsisin siis kelleltki, kus suunas kesklinn jääda võiks - tuli välja muidugi, et täpselt vastassuunas. Päike hakkas vaikselt tõusma juba, vahepeal käisid lühikesed vihmahood üle. Jalutasin mere vaateulatuses kesklinna suunas. Pildistasin vett ja vana purjelaeva, mis kai juures eksponaadina seisis. Sealt edasi katedraali ja muude ehitiste juurde. Põhiliselt aga niisama mööda tänavaid liikumine, kõige ümbritseva endasse haaramine.

Sellest pärastlõunast on eredalt meeles see absoluutse vabaduse tunne, mis mind valdas. Ma olen seal üksinda täiesti tundmatus kohas, kaartigi pole kaasas, ja ma lihtsalt lähen ja kõnnin kuhu iganes tahan, vaatan mida iganes tahan. Olen täiesti vaba kogema seda uut kohta minu enda viisil. Mäletan, et istusin mingi hetk ühte kohvikusse maha hommikust sööma. Taustaks mängis telekas mingi hispaaniakeelse muusika kanal. Sealt jäi mulle pähe kõlama Nelly Furtado "Manos Al Aire", mis sisult mitte kuidagi sellise iseseisvuse ja vabaduse emotsiooniga seotud pole... aga minu jaoks tuletab see meelde toda hommikupoolikut ja noid tundeid-mõtteid: maailm on mulle valla, ma olen vaba, ma saan kõigega hakkama.

Ilmselt mu Hispaanias-oleku ilusamaid hetki. :)

Muidugi nädalavahetus, mis sealt edasi läks, oli veel edasi üha tõusvas joones vägev. Aga sellest võib-olla mõni teine kord. Hetkel tahtsin just seda ühte emotsiooni edasi anda.